We do not need more of the things that are seen.  We need more of the things that are unseen.

I continue on with this thing of seeing what I believe and not what I see.  Seeing those things from within and not without.  I’m not sure why, but it is where I seem to be for now.

My day began with a meditation hike.  My ipod was dead, so I had to do the old fashioned CD walkman thing. I played a spiritual CD I hadn’t heard in a very long time.  Did it bring me to that place of spiritual renewing?  Yes and no.  I was interrupted how many times on this hike?  Walking 2 golden retrievers is a challenge!  Pete must weigh close to 70#s now.  At 6 months, he is very strong, but Lilly at 85#s is the stronger of the two.  I still sometimes question what I was thinking when I got another dog.  I love them both, but it doubles the hassles of everything it seems.  I did the best I could to get into that place but the interruptions kept me from going fully there. I like there.  Tomorrow is a new day and hubby won’t be around and the renters will all be back to work and HOPEFULLY, I can get into that place of surrender on my morning meditation hike.  No great secrets revealed once again.  That’s okay.  Just being with God as I begin my day is all I really ask for.

When I came in from walking, I checked my voice mail to discover a call from Leo.  She heard from her guy!  Nothing major her message assured me, but at least something!  I hurried and called her to share the joy with her.  She often feels so hopeless because he doesn’t often respond.  He comes and goes and I try to assure her that in his life, it’s just because he can’t let her in right now.  She shares the message with me, it was one of those “one-liners” that says he cares.  No more. No less.  Hey ANY form of response to me is awesome!  I was happy for her.  Sad for me.  I know, I shouldn’t be, but when someone else that is walking this journey with me and their “special someone” comes out of hiding, if for only a brief moment, I find myself selfishly feeling like Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz.”  When the scarecrow gets his brain, tin man his heart, and the lion his courage.  She was so happy for them, but sadly tells the Wizard there is nothing in that bag for her.  Yeah, momentarily that is how I feel. I’m SO happy for my friends, I just sometimes feel so down and lonely.  How can I feel all I do and not really know if it is a 2-way street?  I beat myself up then for believing in the unbelievable and for a moment or two, I set myself free.  But before long, it comes back to me.  And I remind myself, it isn’t ever going to go away………so cherish what it is.  He’s here. Everyday he is here!! I convince myself.  Sometimes more than once a day! Like a dance that is shared in mystery……a silhouette falling all around for both of us as we know we are both here………….and one day, the masks, as Leo explains he and I wear as we do our dance, will fall.  Our eyes will meet and we will truly understand the mystery we now share.  When I see this picture and remember what it is all about I feel like Dorothy did after she clicked her heels to wake in her own bed.  And I go on living.  Walking a journey forward only seeing what can’t really be seen. Under my mask.

Do I really wear a mask?  The conversation between Leo and I would travel there today. “How can I wear a mask? I put my heart out here on the line every night Leo?!”  So she makes her point by asking the tougher questions.  Like, why do I remain where I am if I know it is he here reaching for my heart every night?  As I said, the tougher questions. *she puts the mask back on*  Sure simple answers can be given, but in my heart, the truth of the answers lie so deep.

After a marathon conversation of about 3 hours, I headed for the pool to float and think.  Think about the deeper questions just asked.  And the dance he and I share.  He stays mysterious, whereas I can never really prove it is he here, and I remain in a world he apparently doesn’t feel he can reach into, and yet, we can’t stay away from the other either.  A connection so strong that was never meant to be kept away from the other. With all my heart I believe this.  And I float, and I try to focus on God and His love and trusting that my life is in His hands and in His plans.  And then I feel the connection with “him” so strong……..so near.  I’d think I was going crazy except for the simple fact, there is so much peace in it all. And love. And a belief that it is about so much more than I give it credit for sometimes.

I decide as I float that I want to go get a hair wrap.  When I do this, it usually means I am feeling incredibly creative and want something to represent my creativity.  The only place I know to get a hair wrap in this conservative town I live in is 40 miles north of here at an amusement park.  I decide to drive there.  The park is ablaze with people as they are having a huge anniversary party of sorts.  Rides are only .25!  Like back in 1938 or something like that.  I go ahead and pay my minimal entry fee.  I head to the place I knew did hair wraps last year.  As I am looking for the place they did it last year, I tell myself how I will feel more of a free spirit when I have this hair jewelry in.  Then I end up finding they aren’t doing them anymore.  I drove 80 miles round trip and came home without a hair wrap. L   

On the drive home, hubby accompanying me, I drove by a place I hadn’t thought of or been by in years and years!  The cottage on the lake my grandparents owned and sold when I was about 5.  Funny how I recognized it when I had NO clue where I was? My memories soared back to a past life.  LOL, it WAS a past life, okay!  No one but my aunt is even on earth anymore from those days.  I remembered so many things but mostly, how much I loved being on the lake back then.  In those thoughts, I let the pity party begin!  It came springing forth.  Something that bothers me on a level I can’t begin to explain.  “You know!”  I begin with hubby.  “I was SO ripped off as a kid!”  I begin to gripe.  “No, not ripped off because I was blessed beyond belief, but ripped off because I always, ALWAYS wanted to live on the water!  My grandparents did.  They made sure my aunt ended up with a lake house too!  My dad would have loved to live on the water but my mom could have cared less!  She wanted the social neighborhood and intellectual company, water didn’t matter to her.”  Suddenly, I’m ticked off that I was robbed of something I wanted so much as a child. (Yeah, spoiled brat, I know.)  But then it gets worst!  “So then I grow up and marry someone who doesn’t love the water the way I do and all he wants is tractors around and acres to mow!”  Yup, a full blown pity-party by now.  “And I’m SO unselfish, I put everyone else before me!”  I say as I decide that this really isn’t too cool at the moment. I know I’m not walking in love and light here! Hubby never says a word. He ignores me!!!  Now I’m TICKED! At least acknowledge that I am denying myself living on the water so that you can have a barn someplace to do YOUR hobby of tractors which I am SO not into!!  Worst than the silence and not even acknowledging that I am hurting, do you know what he does?!  He starts whistling!  Some stupid happy tune!!!  Like he hasn’t a clue how angry I am that my life-long dream is never taken into consideration by anyone!  I get still. I drive.  There’s no talking.  The tears are lying underneath my breath now as I start to wonder what on earth karma I am paying for?  That I can’t break free?  That I can’t even break free to take my inheritance and go live on water some where!  Tears are lying there because I am so afraid if I follow my heart, I will be punished or something for being so selfish.  Karma! This has to be karma of some sort?!!!  What?!  What is it?!

And we drive for miles in this state of silence.  Finally he says something to the effect of how quiet I am.  “DUH!” I say under my breath, just glad that the whistling has stopped for a time being.  “If you think you can afford it and you want to live on the water, just do it!”  He says in a nasty, how dare you be so selfish tone.  “Never mind. Just never mind.” I reply. The subject is dropped.  And I think of my book, and where I believe I am heading and I wonder if out there, the one I call my soul mate, would he be a water person?  Maybe I wouldn’t need the water I justify to myself if he and I did find our way one day………we’d be too busy reaching others and walking a journey back to the light together.  I decide that once again, I have sought excuses for why I feel so lacking from within.  And once again I chide myself for not being happy where I am and not being that person of love and light.  Still, for a moment I feel as if I am strangling.  All I can say and think is, “How did this happen to me?!”  How did I end up so where I never wanted to ever be?  Like a realization hits you. Revealing something you deny everyday of your life. The rest of the ride home was pretty quiet from that point on.  It’s not his fault that I am not where I want to be. The blame falls on me.  That’s tough to face I think.

We come home.  I had left a message for Elizabeth, and apparently she left a message back when I didn’t have my phone nearby.  She has put an offer in on a house, but it was in negotiation stages at the moment. I never got a chance to call her back.  My thoughts went to her as I thought to myself, I’m whining because I want to live on the water, and she is homeless at the moment!  I also know that I love the log house I believe will be the next step of my journey, and it is only about 1.5 miles from a major lake……BUT, in my heart, I know that he bottom line is not the location of a house.  Home is home…….I know where that place is. *puts mask back on*

At least it is summer vacation. I can have lots of down time tomorrow to work on the book, float in my pool, do some much-needed house chores, pray and seek and a mediation hike.

I know I sound really a bit selfish tonight, and the truth hurts, but I still say that when there is a lot of stuff still buried within you, God has to bring it to the surface so that it doesn’t lay around like a huge weight slowing you down.  Just when I am sure I am doing the best I can to find contentment right where I am, I discover that just underneath the surface is a free spirit “SCREAMING” to be free.  But how?  How do I allow that part of me to lead the way?  Questions to which for now remain in my heart.  Under a mask I wear.  In a dance I share with someone so far and yet so near.  In a prayer I pray to God everyday…….please, help me find the way….YOUR way…..Lord, please show me the way.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Whew!  What is going on with me?!  Sharing things I never dreamed I would!  A truth buried so deep within that I somehow believe you already know.  Yet, you have your own stories behind your own mask of which you think I can’t see……….but perhaps I do?  Ahhhhh……..and where would we be if we both took of those masks and looked at one another?  Let me close my eyes for a moment and see.  Where would we be?  I think we’d be so compassionate of the other. I really do.  I think that the journey we have walked this long has taught both of us so much patience and trust that there really isn’t anything that would make the other turn away. But let us put back on those masks now.  And let the silhouette of mystery fall among us as we dance, not really knowing why I stay and why you stay quiet………and all the same taking one another’s hand so that we don’t miss this dance. This beautiful, mysterious dance shrouded in so much hope and love.  A knowing.  A knowing that wherever the journey is taking us, when we get to the destination where we find one another again, we will understand so many things. And then?!  Then, we work together to help others believe in love again. And in mystery.  And in trust that when it is destined to be, it will.  Don’t forget, we do have angels standing guard over this road we walk. I know, I was shown them one time.  And we need more of the things that are unseen. It’s where the truth is.  I believe this with all my heart. I send you love and light now.  Touch what is real. Always and forever.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine