It was the day after or something like that.  Where all of life falls down around you and you wake the next morning to find you survived and now you have to face yourself for the anger you held, and stupid things you did. Yeah, it was the day after.

I wasn’t mad when I went to bed. Just really tired and discouraged. I don’t like that feeling because at my deepest level I tend to be a very positive person. Sometimes tho, I think you have to experience the other side.

My meditation hike this morning was wearing.  I felt so guilty about some things I myself said last night, that I just wanted to pull back from God. I think that’s because the closer you get to the light, the more darkness within you is exposed.  Not that I did anything that dark, but it was probably all that resentment in my heart God sees.  I know it.  God knows it.  That’s the area He looks.  So lots of confession this morning and ask for helping me to overcome all those things I’ve held onto for so long.  I was humble.  All day humble, yet, realizing that every time I go through such trauma, or anger whatever, I find out a bit more about me.  I think it’s because I so desperately want there to be no more anger in me!  I am so ready to go to the next level of which I thought I was on my way to just a couple days ago. And wah lah!  Nope!  There was more still remaining that needed to be exposed.

After the meditation hike I had planned to float in my pool. Exhausted from the emotions, I thought that be a great thing to do. I had an appointment with Lynn to get my haircut at 12:30 and I had about 1.5 hours to float and be still.  But I got side-tracked reading the internet and never made the pool.

My time with Lynn was nice.  She believes in me.  When I don’t even believe in myself she has always encouraged me with my story.  She still calls me Hocus Pocus woman because of all the bizarre coincidences that have happened.  But she believes in the story and believes there is SO much to it that I just haven’t been able to see yet.  “One day!”  She tells me.  “You two are going to find one another again!”  And we talk about those things that can’t be explained.  Sometimes I think those few special souls I have let in to share my story with are intrigued as to what this all means as I am.  Or as my other friend Linn would say, “Your life is SO exciting!”  Exciting?  Guess living it I don’t see it that way.

Speaking of exciting, I do the radio guest spot tomorrow night.  I will call the lady that found me on the internet to do the show.  It is my hope eventually I will have a link to the show posted here, so that others can listen to it.  I’d say it was my radio debut, but it isn’t.  I use to work for a radio station and did a lot of commercial work, and even recorded some songs with a friend of mine who did those comical songs as a spoof sort of thing.  Come to think about it, he reminded me of Weird Al Yankovic.  In looks and personality!  So this is not my debut. It is however, the first time someone has wanted me to speak on a personal level of dreams.  As I was telling Lynn about it today, she was so amazed at how this story keeps growing.  She asked if I was nervous.  The truth is I’m not. I just need to think of this as talking about one of my favorite subjects, dreams, with someone that lives in Virginia!  I can’t think about it being radio.  Just a phone conversation with someone who shares a belief and love of something I do.  Next time I journal, I will be speaking of how it went. I will confess now tho, it is going to be a positive experience.

Speaking of positive!  My Realtor, Cathy called today with some questions.  And while she didn’t give me any more information other than the questions, I would guess someone is gathering more information on my property. Or at the very least, interested.  Apparently the couple from yesterday, yes, the lone couple. Cathy said today she was SO excited!  “Remember Sunshine, it only takes one couple!”  Hmmm?  Thoughts since she called of, I am leaving for the Outer Banks Friday!  What would I do if an offer came in while I was gone?  But that is real positive thinking!  My friend Dave will be here house sitting for me on and off.  Someone to make sure everything is ready should there be a time to do a 2^nd showing to the lone couple.  Again, positive thinking!  In the meantime I continue to look at houses in the city.  The log home still being number one on my list.  Another house I found when I was in the city on Saturday keeps coming to mind, and I can’t tell you why, and of course the lake house.  I found myself once again tonight going back to it.  And then there is Raleigh, NC.  Thoughts of a city I know nothing about always laying dormant in the back of my mind.  And then Florida.  A nice condo on a beach somewhere in Florida.  But is that a dream? Or is that what Sunshine would do?  Yeah, maybe.  And then I wonder if perhaps God has something totally different from anything I’ve even seen yet? It will be shown as it all falls into place?

That for me was exciting today.  I am going forward.  How different will I feel when I get in the car for the last time and drive away from here? How different?  How different will I feel when I walk into school and tell Mr. Boss this is my notice?  I am giving up my benefits, and salary, and 19 years of security to follow where a road of unknowns leads. *deep breaths*  It sure takes a lot faith!

I did go to the mall today to try to find some clothes for the Outer Banks.  But it was, “the day after.”  I felt icky about myself and everything I tried on only enhanced how imperfect my body is.  I came out of the dressing room in Old Navy to the girl who checks you in, “Did anything work for you?”  She asked.  “NO!”  I said in a roll my eyes way.  “I’m having I hate my body day!”  I told her.  A lady laughed at me as she walked by me.  I didn’t mean it to be funny tho.  It was true!  As I said, it was the day after.

Lynn asked me so many questions on where this is going.  “Will you see soul mate this summer?  Is he going out on the road.”  I answer her questions best as I can, “No.  It doesn’t seem timing is right once again.” I explained.  “Yes, but you have said this before, and something happens to change it.”  So I had to explain that I have to take EVERYTHING one day at a time.  “God is never early in my life, but He’s never late either!  One day at a time, it’s the only thing I can do.”  I never did explain to her how this was the day after tho.  It seems easier to explain the one day at a time thing, which somehow fits with my life in general.

Now, even tho it is only 8:30 at night, I am exhausted and struggling to even make it to 9:00.  I didn’t get to sleep last night until almost 2:00.  Then I woke up at 7:30.  I can’t wait to fall into bed tonight.  So glad the radio show isn’t tonight!  A good night’s sleep and I’ll awaken tomorrow feeling so much better!  I may even see my body a bit different tomorrow?  Because in my life, that is how it is.  Up, down, constant!  Just when I think I have it all together, BAM!  A shake up! Or silver in the fire to be refined or something like that!  *she is humbled*

I’d say I have it all together today, but I’d be lying.  I don’t.  I question so many things.  Funny, sometimes I think I have answers, but in the end, those answers continue to only lead to more questions.  Guess that’s what God meant when He once told me,  “You are on a journey, and you must have more faith than you ever have.”  I get it now!  I fail some days, like last night, but somehow God takes that mourning and He turns it into a new day and a new dance.  So I will continue now.  One day at a time………..even on “the day after.”

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  What a battle!  Is it, isn’t it?  And all those answers only lead to more questions. I guess I want to just believe it is.  Because when I believe it is, then I follow my heart.  When I believe it isn’t, it’s because my head can’t quite believe the unbelievable.  You’re my unbelievable!  You’re my can’t be explained, but something so very known to me in a place and time I only wish I could reach and grasp.  But I can’t.  And you continue to be there, and me here, and some days I want to jump in the car and be there!  But I can’t.  That would make me a stalker or something like that?!  *laughs* No, no, it is better to allow fate and destiny to take over and watch how it works!  Do you remember that night I met you I said to you, “You know, fate is a strange thing.  I was living my life, and BAM!  You showed up!”  I think I tried to make it about the FF thing, cause at the time it was the only connection I could make?  I had all these familiar feelings and I just couldn’t make sense of them!  I still do! And I really don’t know you?!!!  I just remember so clearly your response to me that night when I said that, “You shook your head yes and said,  “It is, isn’t it?”  As if you knew.  And the video of you and me that night!  OMG!  If I ever think I imagined this whole story all I need to do is pop that video in and I know it was so very real for both of us!  Your face glows as much as mine.  We had found home.  We both knew it, but we both suffer one problem!  We don’t know how to let it in.  How many years later and you are there and I am here, and yet, in the end I have a feeling it will never be denied.  So, how do either one of us let it in?  Let me know if you find that answer!!!!  You lead, I’ll follow?  Or is it I lead you follow?  Or is it 276?  Wake up!  You and me!  So very 276.  I send you love and light.  From a place I know we meet…..to the place you are at this very moment.  Goodnight my man of mystery……..glorious, frustrating, and yet so very beautiful as we walk a journey of faith…………..Love always,  Sunshine

A Dance in That Place..........