Don’t go through life, grow through life.

As is my life I have ups and downs which can change as quickly as the blowing wind.  Today tho was an up day. One where I thought that everything just would be okay.

My meditation hike, which the past couple days has now stretched to an hour was very awesome.  I wore that little thing that measures how far you walk, a pedometer, it clocked me at 2.5 miles.  I use to do 3-5 a day.  Guess I’m getting back. But it’s not the distance I am all that focused on, it’s the time with God. In nature, in quietness, in listening and in talking too.  Lots of stuff shown me this morning. I couldn’t help but notice the dove was back and so very close to me all morning.  Where was she yesterday and the day before when it was down, and discipline days?  Hmmm?  In my heart I do believe God was showing me some things this morning.  One, I need to write an “email” to “V.”  The gal I met and did the radio show with last night. I saw the letter that needs to be written while I walked, but procrastinated and didn’t get to it today.   Then once again, no matter how much I try not to think about this, I believe God showed me again the log house.  There is a purpose in this, tho I don’t know what it is?  I think that I will watch how this plays out.  If God really has me destined to be there next, then I will.  It was a powerful time. I like these days.  They’re a WHOLE lot better than what it’s been the last couple days where I am forced to look really deep in me to see things I sometimes don’t want to see, nor admit!

Sweaty, and so ready to head to my pool, I came home.  Poor dogs, they were pooped!  Fresh ice water, and they settled in under the steps on the deck.  It was extremely hot in my neighborhood today.

Even tho I was aching to get in the pool, I felt very led to call Leo.  No particular reason, just knowing the next week-and-a-half I won’t be available to talk.  We had our old-fashioned talk of which we convince one another we’re really not crazy, and these stories of ours must mean something. She is stuck in a sort of relationship I am in too. A wonderful man, could you ask for better, she admits, but she remains empty on the inside.  Her heart so far away to a man that seldom talks back to her.  We wonder what our problem is sometimes, but when we got down to it, I think we know what our problem is.  L O V E.  Okay! I said it!  So today she tells me about her Aunt Molly who passed on 2 years ago. Aunt Molly in the 50’s wanted a divorce.  She had two small children, but she didn’t care.  She was full of life and her husband was a man that was quiet and anti-social in a lot of ways. She wanted to go to parties, and experience the outgoing parts of life. He was so wonderful to her, and provided modestly all that she needed and he adored her! But Aunt Molly felt as if she was suffocating!  She went to her attorney, who happened to be a close relative. He talked her out of it.  “In the 50’s,” Leo explains, “With two children, you had made your bed and that was the way it was.”  Fast forward to when Aunt Molly is 80.  She had begun to lose a bit of her facilities I think is the way Leo explained it.  And at 80, all she could still talk about is getting a divorce.  She never got over it, and never really felt as if she got the chance to live.  *silence*  For a moment I couldn’t bring myself to speak.  Leo broke the silence by saying,  “So much for settling.”  “Yeah.”  I said visualizing things I didn’t even want to ever visualize.  Why did I feel as if I knew Aunt Molly?  Odd feelings, that perhaps scare me.  Am I an Aunt Molly?

We finished our conversation realizing that for today, we still don’t have enough information to understand it all.  Neither one of us, so we have to continue following our hearts and living life as we do.  Leo got interrupted by another phone call she had to take.  It was okay, I wanted to float in the pool by now.  She did call me back, but I missed the call because I was already in the water.  A glorious time as always, only today it was SO hot I found myself swimming laps under water!  Ahhhhh…….so refreshing. I could spend hours out there and I did, like 2.5.

I came in then to get a PBJ (peanut butter/jelly) sandwich.  Yeah, simple, and I think Weight Watchers friendly!  Elizabeth called me from the ocean.  Normally I’d be green with envy, but I will be there myself in about 4 days.  And we talked.  I miss her.  Still in the denial thing that she isn’t coming back here.  “G” got on the phone and wanted me to do an errand for him.  “You can do this!  You’re gypsy enough to do it!”  He said.  I laugh at him, he thinks I’m a gypsy.  Why?  Because he says I wear so much jewelry.  I don’t take it personal! It’s just who I am.  Elizabeth grabbed the phone from him, I could hear her yell at him. *laughs* She wanted to know how the open house went, and if I was on the radio last night?!  She also told me they are having some problems with their new house passing inspection.  Ut oh!  And here they are on a beach somewhere, trying to handle everything by fax!  What did people do in the olden days I wonder?  Before technology?  A nice conversation…..still, how soon can I do a trip to Toledo?

I sat down, not looking too pretty I might add. No makeup, hair unkempt, because I had been swimming and it was just drying however it may, when someone knocked on the door in the garage.  I barely got up to answer it when I heard the door open, the alarm announcing door # 3 was opened!  “Hello!”  I hear.  It was my friend Dave.  He was coming to get all the information I needed to give for him to house sit.  I gave him all that I needed him to do in case the Realtors want to show the place, how he’d have to notify our renters, etc….Then it was time to talk.  Dave was down.

His heart breaks over a bad divorce from 1.5 years ago.  I want to encourage him, but sometimes, words just can’t do that.  So you listen and try to remind him that sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees…..and that tomorrow is so unknown that just about ANYTHING could happen!  You just never know what is up around the bend!  He listens, and tries hard to follow what I say, but sometimes when you are so low in a valley, the light blinds you too much to try to look up.  But he will. I know Dave. He is a survivor.  Staying here for a week will be therapeutic to him.  He loves the serene environment here.  I pray for Dave with all my heart.  It hurts so much to see someone you care a lot about hurting like that.  All I can do is be a friend and try to listen.

Tonight I began the packing process. I’m packing light this time I swear!  I’m going to the beach.  An island off the coast of NC.  I don’t need fancy clothes.  A couple pair of jean shorts, some shirts, bathing suits, and flip flops.  Now, if I can convince myself to limit it to just those things and not throw a million things in on top of that!  My technology things that need packed, like laptop, speakers, earphones, ipod, ipod deck, DVDS, etc., well those things need their own bag!  I just discovered that the hotel is WIFI friendly, even tho it is a small, quaint place, so I will still be on line and journaling while I’m gone.

I made an incredible discovery today! Coincidence or something to make my heart break?  Coming home from my get away, I had planned on stopping in Raleigh to look around.  I was going to go the Virginia way going down (this has all been planned for a month or longer), and then come back through North Carolina, stopping in Raleigh to look around having felt drawn to this city now for a couple months.  Today, I look at soul mate’s schedule.  The day I was planning on being in Raleigh?  So is he!  *heart sinks*  Could I be in the same town knowing he is, and not be able to go see him?  Could I do this????  No, I couldn’t.  But the timing isn’t right. I know it isn’t. So am I not supposed to go through Raleigh?  Or am I?  Or is this what I have been feeling all along about something so special in Raleigh?  How would I go?  Could I go?  This story I am living sometimes even freaks me out!  Okay, so I go anyway to Raleigh, knowing I can’t see him, which would break my heart, especially considering I am just leaving the ocean and these are the times I am at my best! WHAT IF: I’m in Raleigh and I pull up to a stop light and look to my left or right and see a van.  Guess who is sitting there looking back at me?!  Or I stop in a gas station, and guess who is in the gas station?  So very against odds to happen, but what if?  How hard that would be for me.  I don’t know that I could simply say hi and walk away. No, no!  I couldn’t!!! SO maybe I will just not go through Raleigh on the way home.  Or maybe, I will.  Or maybe………………

Okay!  Back to real life stuff now.  All I know is life is happening all around me and I am on some huge journey now.  Things I was given and shown so long ago seem to be beginning to happen  Once again tonight I tried to explain it to hubby who I think can see it unfolding as well.  We talked of life-changing experiences and any he has had.  All he has that he can’t explain is a memory of being in the civil war.  He tries to deny it is a past life whatever, and being Christian I shouldn’t encourage him to talk about it, but I let him. Because of my own unexplainable happenings in life, I feel he needs to talk about what he remembers.  Then he will stop himself because it is too far out there. And I am Aunt Molly.  Living life to the fullest and being fascinated in things that can’t be explained because I just tend to see life a bit differently than most.  So I go back to my own story, trying to explain the whole “awakening” experience of a person I believe I have known throughout eternity.  He listens, and tries so hard to understand, of which I give him credit.  So we go back to his memories, or familiarities he can’t explain.  I like these times I can be so honest with him where my heart is.

I am very excited to get to the beach and sit and meditate and dream.  Of a day.  Somewhere, somehow, I just refuse to believe when I am 80 something I will still be waiting!  LOL, that would make “him” 90 something!  *does meet you in the nursing home have meaning?? LOL!*  *kidding*  Life is too short to spend it on regrets.  One day at a time a story being written will continue to be written.  No regrets,  no 80s and 90s finalities!!!!  Just what my heart knows.  Crazy as it all sounds or seems.  It’s just a journey and somewhere up ahead I know that…………………

Now, I will close.  With a special note as I believe I need to:

Dear God,  As I close, I close with a heart of gratitude for all you are leading me to and showing me.  Thank you for the spirit of wisdom that surrounded me today but mostly, thank you for all that you are teaching me in this moment of lack of clarity.  I thank you tho that I will have clairty because you give me eyes to see that which can’t be seen.  Thank you Father for the love that surrounds me.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Isn’t it ironic?  These feelings of Raleigh, and knowing you were going to be there, but just not knowing the date?  Then today I was finally allowed to see that it is when I am going to be there?!  Well, maybe?  This is how it goes for you and I.  Always SO close and yet, not allowed to cross some sort of line drawn between us.  Not that I don’t want to cross it because I do!  With all my heart I do, but it just seems to be so many things that keep us from it?!  So, I will be still and see what all this means.  Maybe I am supposed to find a way to see you?  I promise you this…….if it suddenly became something that was meant to be, you’d find me the most relaxed, peaceful person in the world!  I mean I will have just come in off the beach, and that is where I am me.  Or maybe we could by accident *wink wink* just happen to run into one another?  Can you imagine?  A rendezvous in some truck stop somewhere in North Carolina?  Okay, that is way too out there to think!  But a nice dream all the same!! How I so wish it could happen, but life isn’t always that neat and clean is it?  So, when you get up on that stage that night in Raleigh, just know, if there is anyway for me to be there I will.  My heart “will be” there so look out and see me, because somehow, I am there.  If only in spirit.  So close, and yet so far.  The story we share so far.  So sad, and yet, so very beautiful too.  It all means something, I promise!  It has a purpose and a plan to it.  I hold on to the coincidences as some sort of guidepost leading us along.  Crazy?  Probably! But I have decided the most beautiful stories are the ones that are written outside the box!  Isn’t that where our story has been since the beginning?!  I send you love and light and a wish that one day, we do get to meet in a truck stop somewhere and talk.  What was it, 7 hours or something like that?!  Can you imagine if we had that much uninterrupted time?  Oh, the heck with the truck stop, let’s make it the beach!  Yeah!  That’s the plan, the beach.  Somewhere, someday, to talk. To share. To be.  Dream with me?   Outside the box.  Goodnight -  Inspired and filled with hope of all to come…..  Love, Sunshine