Today is a smooth white seashell, hold it close and listen to the beauty of the hours.

It’s the last night I will write from my little pool haven.  This place has become so very near to me this week.  This place where I have escaped at night to come and do what it is I love to do.  Write and let out all that it is I keep bottled up.  In sadness I say, I will miss this place.  The pool.  The soft lights.  The ocean breeze.  The caring nature of the owners of this lovely courtyard hotel.  Here are photos I took to share the memory of my pool haven:

 The emblem on the bottom of the pool that filled me with so much spirit as I would write.

Today was my big beach day. I was there for over 3 hours.  The winds were full force today, thus creating incredible sized waves.  I wasn’t brave enough to body surf in them, tho I did stand at the side and let them crash all around me.  Such a powerful feeling to me as I was in the midst of them crashing on the shore.

Waves crashing, I snapped this shot as I stood in the surf

 Everytime I would look up on shore, I'd see these faces. Lilly had been romping with me in the surf.  Pete tried, but at 7 months, he's still really afraid.  They're both exhausted here tho, we'd been chasing a ball in the surf.  If you look, the ball is right at Lilly's paw.  Poor Pete! Just couldn't keep up with Lilly when it came to ball chasing!  Even tho he is bigger than Lilly, he's still a baby!

As always, I find an odd strength here.  An article I read earlier today that caught my eye REALLY got my attention! I am sure that this article was saved for just today to teach me something I needed to discover.  This article was written by some psychologist.  It was a report done on 5 women who had become obsessed with men that weren’t obsessed back.  Broken love affairs, and how these 5, well educated women were unable to let go.  I saw a lot of myself in some of the stories, but then I didn’t see a lot of myself either!  The point I am making to myself tonight, after so much deep meditation on this today is this, after really looking deep within, for the first time in 6 plus years I realize, I’m really not obsessed with this soul mate thing!! But boy oh boy!! After reading this article this morning it really sent me into an incredible search within myself!  What if?!!! I became almost obsessed about being obsessed!!!!  Good thing I was on my way to the beach, huh?!  I prayed about it on the ride there.  I wanted to see truth.  I wanted to find out why it is I continue to hold on to something that for all practical purposes isn’t holding on to me.  I mean, if there was something to this soul mate thing, he’d surely of contacted me by now, right?!  So I stood on the ocean shore, waves crashing, checking my heart and my truth.  I needed answers on this, so desperately, I needed answers! 

I began to think about the symptoms these women had according to this Dr.  One of the things that the psychologist notes was they all made the same  comment,  “I can’t live without him!”  Okay, that is not me!! I most certainly can and will live without him. I don’t want ANYTHING that isn’t meant to be!  Life does go on. They also called or wrote the object of their  affection without ceasing, one even driving so many miles to his house, camping herself on his doorstep until he finally summoned the police.  No way would I EVER do that!  I won’t even go to one of his shows these days unless he officially invites me!  Sure, I’ve considered it, but I wouldn’t do it unless I contacted him first and gave him the opportunity to tell me not to come, of which I wouldn’t in a heartbeat!  In these cases I was reading about, all these men had told the women that THEY WERE NOT INTERSTED!  It was over, move on, there is NOTHING about you I care about!  That didn’t happen to me.  At no time did soul mate ever say those words.  In fact, it was usually the opposite.  In his own distant way, he always let me know he cared.  So I didn’t have that in common.  But, there was one area I do in fact have in common with these women who had thankfully seeked psychological help, that is I do believe I share some mystical bond with this man.  They felt that too.  So I had to look deep within as to why I believe this?  I could only come up with this answer.  Before I met this man, I never even believed in half the stuff I have experienced since I met him. Yes, I am talking telepathy, a feeling he is near, dreams, visions of which always proved true.  I tried to figure out why all this stuff was happening to me, because YES, I feared I was going crazy!  That was when I began to read about soul mates. The more I read on the true meaning (not the, “meet your soul mate when you join e-harmony” thing) of meeting your soul mate, every thing that was on the checklist to confirm you had met your soul mate had happened to me!  I felt better, or at least felt as if I wasn’t crazy! That part of the journey led me to meeting women from all over the world who had been experiencing similar things as I had!  I also came to learn a new understanding of letting go, and yet holding on and how to apply it to this incredible and unexplainable story that was falling all over me.  That is why I believe I share some mystical connection with this man.

As I stood there on the ocean, waves crashing around me, I began to look closer at who I am.  Could I let go?  I could.  Should I let go?  A part of me says yes, then there is that gentle part of me that says, “You’ve already let go, but you let go in a way that is meant to be let go.”  I continue to write him at night at the end of my journals.  It’s true.  I do it to reach out to him.  To let him know that somewhere out here someone cares so much about him.  There is no expectation on this. I simply keep writing because my heart leads me to express what it is I feel.  And “IF” it is he reading here, which there are SO many over whelming coincidences to believe it is, then he comes to read that of which I give from my heart, so freely, without any expectation in return.  He and I never had a relationship of any kind.  We simply met.  We looked into one another’s eyes, and I know for me, I felt all of heaven and earth move.  We fell into one another’s arms.  Never any type pressure on either of us to be anything more than the moment of what it was.  If I’m obsessed, then I’m simply obsessed with a belief that I met the one I was always meant to be with, but life didn’t work out to have that happen.  At least yet.  Being the person of faith I am, then I will always believe one day the hands of fate will move, and everything will work itself out right for he and I to be.  I don’t know how it could all come about, and I don’t know if it is even possible as we are in such different worlds, but my faith says if all I saw in his eyes from the moment we met is real, then it will come one day.  That is the simple obsession.  Finding someone so special to you in life, not really knowing why, other than it was seen in the eyes.  The eyes which are the window to the soul.

I do go on living life.  I think of him often.  No, I think of him much throughout the day, but I still go on living.  I laugh. I cry.  I watch the moon and the stars, and I continue to know that God is the number one love of my life.  I can go places and enjoy where I am, with whom ever I am with.  I live.  I love.  I am.  And if every night I come to this place, this on-line journal to touch him, wherever he may be, and every morning, or evening, or whenever he can, he comes to touch me, then I don’t call that obsession. I call it something so beautiful and special.  How many people ever find something so incredible in their lifetime?   

It was as if the ocean surrounded me with answers. I was so grateful as I worked this all out in my mind, but more importantly, my heart.  God is still the center of everything I am.  And the waves crashed and I felt all of life happening around me.  I have to continue to pour so much love in me, which can only be done with God’s help and teachings.  I have a long way to go I thought to myself, but I do believe I get a bit stronger and wiser each and every passing day.

All of this solved as I stood there for hours, on the ocean shore, waves crashing, answers found to some deep questions I have had.

The time today was quiet and serene.  Hubby was with me, but sat in the back of the Navigator most of the time.  He’s really sunburned.  Poor guy!  He did much better today and was much more pleasant to be around.  But then I realized, he didn’t drink.  That was nice.  It made for a much more pleasant atmosphere.  I think I even thanked him.  I’m not sure he realized himself how much he had been drinking, until he realized that he felt better today when he didn’t drink.

As always when I am on this island of mystique, I feel as if I will leave with at least this one important question and prayer answered…….. Am I obsessed with this whole soul mate thing?  No, I’m not. If one day I no longer feel I can continue, or I feel the door has closed to what it is and isn’t, I will no longer reach out.  For now, I will continue because I know it to be so very special, and that love is the aim in it all.  That to me is beautiful.

I will head for home tomorrow.  Our plan is to make it to the middle of Virginia.  I will go to the beach for a few hours in late morning, then take off.  Originally, I had hoped to go to Raleigh, North Carolina and go home that way, but it doesn’t feel right.  Nor did it work that way.  I think soul mate is to be there this weekend, but as is the case of he and I, our paths came close to crossing, but didn’t.  That is all too familiar of a feeling for me these days.  But it’s okay, because I so trust the what’s meant to be thing.  And I will head north, as I think he heads south, but in my heart I know that whichever way each one of us goes, we will think of the other sometime during the day and send some sort of beam of love to the other.  The trip home will be sad for me.  Anytime I leave the ocean, I am sad.  Which brings to me another deep question!

WHY OH WHY do I NOT live near the water?  SOMEWHERE?!  Why does life continue to leave me in the Midwest?  In a place I no longer have family members from childhood?  Sure, I have my kids living there, well, two of three anyway.  But don’t they have their own lives now?  As mom and mah maw, am I to stay and do the maternal thing and have all those maternal feelings?  More thoughts on this to come.  Hubby tells me I’d tire of the ocean if I lived near it.  It’d ruin it for me because I’d never have a place to escape to if I lived on it and it became an everyday in life thing for me.  Perhaps he is right?  Perhaps I need to live on a lake somewhere instead?  But no, it is the ocean I feel and the power of.  But this is another story, or at least another chapter in the book of love that I am living each and everyday still yet to be discovered.  Where is it I shall call home?  Guess there wasn’t enough time on the beach to find the answer to this question!  Tomorrow.  I still have a few hours tomorrow to stand there and seek.  Where is home?  Where is it I belong?  Where is my destiny.  Is it a place, or with a person or persons?  Perhaps a bit of both? 

And the ocean breeze so slightly blows, as the pool’s soft aqua light brings me peace, and a security light reflecting into the water and back to me reminds me of how the light always leads me on.  I truly shall miss this place.  I wish I didn’t have to leave, but life calls me and I must go forward on the journey.  So much up ahead. I will never lose the faith to believe in so many beautiful things waiting up ahead.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Once again, the Outer Banks would answer a question I have held deep within me for so long.  Obsession.  No, it’s not obsession. If you tell me to let it go, I will and I will go on my way.  Never letting go totally of this feeling that one time, I came across the one I always knew and looked for, but if you told me to go away, I would.  No anger.  No sadness.  I came, I gave.  Freely, without expectation.  With that being said, I don’t believe you want to tell me to go away. I think you have felt the love and the warmth of this place as much as I have.  Still, I want to always check my heart and my soul to make sure it is only about love.  Nothing else.  Tonight, I feel ascertain of such.  As I once told you, I am here. On those days you need to feel someone cares, I am here.  Reaching out.  Letting you know I do know and I do remember what it is I was always suppose to remember, and sending you love and light.  And of course lots of prayers.  I will always pray for you, because you are my special someone. Through age, time and distance……….you will remain so special.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine 

My last sunset in this place filled of wonder, and tranquility.  I smile on the outside, but on the inside I find the faith to follow where life seems to lead......