This is my last night in hotels.  I’ll be home tomorrow.  I’ve really had to fight being sad and depressed today.  As I drove through the mountains and looked at all the beauty around me I tried to touch why I felt so down and low.  I know there are some things really bothering me at such a deep level that I try NOT to look at.  Some things can’t be changed, so you have to try to deal with those things as best you can.  Still, some days I feel a bit lower than others. I am most sure that this is all because I have left the ocean where no matter what it is I am dealing with, I somehow find solace with it all.  Now, I am headed back for the life of living.  I wonder if others feel as dissatisfied as I do?  Or am I just ungrateful?  Sometimes I fear that is my problem.

It doesn’t help sometimes realizing this life I live.  Today is my anniversary.  Just another day really. But in year’s past I have worn black in honor of my day of mourning.  Not a nice thing when I remember feeling as I have.  Not a laughing matter when I think how long I have dreaded this day each year.  If not for any other reason than it is a reminder of the day I made the biggest mistake of my life.  This is no reflection on hubby. This is a reflection on me. At 18 do we realize the stupidity of the decisions we make?  These days I no longer joke about wearing black.  Somewhere along the way I learned to accept that which is.  I have 3 beautiful kids because of this day, and now 2 almost 3 beautiful grandkids.  I could have had it so much worst.  Hubby has been very good to me through the years, well, most of the time anyway.  But I look at us today.  We remain what I would call great friends.  Is that enough to sustain me forever?  This is why I am so sad.  I am 40 something, and long so very much to be in love.  That sounds so horrible!  But it is my truth. I long to be held and caressed and to feel as if I am home when I am in that place. Is that a real experience in real life?  Or is it just for the movies?  Does it exist after you are together for so long?  Or is it just something written by the poets and the song writers, and painted by the artists?  Surely, it must exist and is more than just a dream.

Joel called today to wish us a happy one.  I had to laugh, it was Emma behind this.  I can hear her now,  “Joel!  You need to call your mom and dad and wish them a happy anniversary!”  I so appreciate her.  I’ve always said if I could have hand-picked a wife for Joel, I wouldn’t have done as good a job as he did!  It is Emma at this time in my life that makes me feel not so bad.  The gal Jason is marrying has already convinced Jason that I am bi-polar or something.  Her goal from the beginning was to pull him from his family. First his sister, then his mom.  It’s worked for the most part, yet another thing that made me so very sad this morning.  Emma assures me tho that I am not that bad of a mom-in-law.  I trust her judgment more than the girlfriends!  Emma has a heart to of gold.  I keep telling her jokingly,  “I’m honestly not a horrible monster-in-law.”  She tells me she knows and will laugh.  As I said, I so appreciate her caring and touch in this family.

Last night, no writing.  The hotel was on line, but it was SO slow!  I was tired after spending a couple hours on the beach then driving about 6 hours, including the 5:00 traffic on a Friday around the Hampton Roads area which includes Virginia Beach, Norfolk, and Newport News.  Having spent a few hours on the beach I was still calm and did most of the driving.

Today was spent driving mountainous towns running parallel with I-64, west bound.  Hubby’s favorite thing these days is to hit antique stores.  Because he has been so kind to allow me endless beach hours this past week I felt it only fair to return some time back to him.  Thus, hours and hours of antique stores from Virginia to West Virginia.  I smiled, and in my depression of the day in general, tried the best I could to learn how to be unselfish, something of which I think sometimes I suffer.  When it would become unbearable, I would grab the dogs and walk them outside. 

It amazed me how certain towns would be warm and welcoming, and then the next little town would be cold and so very unwelcoming.  Almost as if entering the Twilight Zone at times.  Speaking of which…...

We stopped in a town in West Virginia that was in a valley of huge mountains.  A very small nowhere town I think I would describe it.  In the middle of what would be downtown there were 3 antique stores.  We went in the first.  I actually went next door to a clothing store.  The two older white-haired women greeted me with this, “What can we do for you?” as I entered the store.  Excuse me?!  Am I not here to shop? I thought to myself, but smiled anyway and replied  “Oh, I was just going to look around.”  I had on jean shorts, and a halter-type shirt.  As they looked up and down at me, obviously not approving of my attire, probably thinking I was not good enough to be in their store, I tried to smile and be pleasant.  They sat and watched me like a hawk.  The clothes in their shop were about as out-dated as the town itself!  I skimmed a few racks and couldn’t WAIT to get out of there.  “Thank you.”  I smiled as I walked out.  “Come back.”  One of them coldly said.  “Yeah, okay, thank you!”  I replied as I hoped they couldn’t read my mind, as I was thinking how bad this place was!  I went into the antique store.  The lady there said nothing.  Hubby was looking at whatever.  I was trying to just find something special about what it was I was doing.  Touching a bit of yesterday, right?  Entering another world than the one of which I live in.

Then we went to the next antique store.  Again, no one welcomed us, which was fine. Less pressure to purchase anything.  I looked at some furniture in there and wondered where my next dwelling place would be.

Then it was to the 3^rd store.  The one we had parked the Lincoln in front of, of which we were greeted by a group of older men.  As we went to enter the store, I checked on the dogs. I was sort of concerned as it was hot.  They didn’t seem overly hot yet. We carry a fan that I plug in to an adaptor that blows on them.  It’s not pleasant for them, but it does keep the danger of heat exhaustion for them lowered.  We go in this antique store which is combined with a wine store of some sort.  Remember, these are old, old buildings.  This particular store was very outlandish!  VERY expensive antiques were to be found.  Hubby went his way, as is normal, and I slowly began to look, again, trying to just find special in the different items. I headed for the back of the store, which seemed to go on forever.  I got to the very back room and it hit me!  Like something punching me in the stomach, this room immediately caused me a panicked feeling. I gasped!  It was haunted!! I felt a presence and it wasn’t good!  Okay, I sound crazy…..but little did I know what I was about to find!  I stopped. I felt it.  I KNEW something evil existed in this room and I was not welcomed.  Only, I wasn’t afraid. I wanted to face it head on and found myself praying the prayers I know to do when faced with something as this.  I walked in, feeling as if something was telling me to “GET OUT!”  As I walked further in I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  Torture chambers!  Antique medical equipment that probably was used in Frankenstein’s castle!  The further I went in, the darker it got.  It now almost became a museum of some sort of electric chair exhibits with mannequins wearing horrible looks on their face!  I closed my eyes for a moment trying not to let fear come on me.  There was one particular mannequin that was dressed as a mad doctor standing right above my head on a platform of some sort. He made me feel very uncomfortable.  What was he holding?  What was that instrument?  Hubby by now had caught up with me.  I gave him a look, “What vibes do you get?”  He didn’t say much.  He wasn’t feeling it as strongly as I was.  I went around a piece of medical equipment, was it a torture table?  To see a life sized mannequin of Michal Myers of “Halloween” fame!  That did me in!!  I was ready to leave this area!  As I did, I rebuked the spirit trying to attach itself, yes, I felt it strongly!

 I go to the next room, located next to the one I just left. At the beginning it appeared to be more chandeliers and perhaps furniture, only to find what?!  A GUILITIOUNE!  Yes! The grim reaper pulling the cord and a woman mannequin with black eyes, unkempt hair, and horror in her face, her head through the cutting board, waiting to drop into a basket!  I looked at hubby and said, ‘That is it!  I am OUT of here!! Whoever own this place has a very dark side and I want out!  Let’s get out of here and make sure our dogs are okay!” Remembering I had left them in the car just outside this place! For a moment I wanted to find the owner and pray with him!!  Someone needed some serious deliverance here! I actually wondered if I looked around if I wouldn’t see Vincent Price standing near by or something! I just wanted to get out!!  I made my way to the front.  Again, no one speaking to me, just watching us.  Like a feeling you’d get in a Stephen King movie or something!  As we were walking out I said to hubby,  “I need to write! ”  I did! This was almost too eerie to NOT write about what I had just experienced!  He laughed.  I was sick to my stomach. But not as sick as I felt when I got outside!

The Lincoln was parked right in front of this store, two of the older men now sitting on a bench in front, one having his neck wrapped up, obviously just having had some sort of throat surgery, watching us.  I looked at my side of the car.  Pete was sitting in the passenger seat now.  He seldom jumps into the front when left in the car. The windows were way down because it was so hot.  I noticed the side of the car was wet, as was Pete.  Someone had thrown water on my dog!  Pete is SO friendly, I don’t know if someone came to that side of the window or what and he went to greet them, which is why he was in the front, only to have some liquid thrown on him!  I turned and looked at the men on the bench.  They just seemed to glare at me!  Were they warning me to get out of their town?  Were they upset because we had left our dogs in the car, not seeing the fan that blows on them?  Did someone throw water on them to cool them off, or were they being vicious and mean? Hubby and I got in and drove off as fast as we could. “What a horrible little place!” I said to him as we drove off, still half praying.  “Typical mountain town.”  He replied.  Whatever!!  I had just left the Twilight Zone and was glad I had survived!  Guess whatever voice told me to “Get out” when I first entered the torture chamber, which BTW had dimmed lights and chandeliers with flaming bulbs as the only means of light, I guess I should have listened!!

.

It only added to my growing need to return once again to the ocean. Where life is light and good.  Did I really know there was a side like this out there?

That was enough antique shopping for me, and to be honest, I think hubby too. We got back on 1-64 and drove until we got to Charleston, WV.  Where life felt normal again.

We struggled to find a hotel fearing that it would be next to impossible.  “IF” you could find a room anywhere, then we had to find one that was pet friendly. Once again a prayer would lead us to where I write tonight.  5 hours from home now, my trip to the ocean is almost officially over. 

In the depression this morning and the down, sad feeling, I kept telling myself I really want to fulfill some dreams in this life of mine.  I began to think about what it would take to fulfill those dreams I see when I look inside of my heart.  The dream to live on the ocean somewhere being one of those dreams.  The next to complete my book and begin the journey I think God always showed me of writing and reaching out to hurting women.  And then of course, to find me.  Really find me.  To be set free of all these years of dreading this day, the day of my anniversary and the sad feeling I’ve always had of giving away everything I had when I was just a baby. It’s time to really begin living I decided! I need the tenacity to do what it takes!  It’s never too late to begin!  It’s if I never believe I can begin that I will fail! 

As I drove away from the Twilight Zone, I began to realize that the first thing I still have to do is forgive me.  I honestly have lost any bitterness against his sister and mom, and hubby.  It is me that I still need to forgive. I’m working on it. I’m not there yet, but I am slowly beginning to understand this is where it has to begin. 

Tonight I have come to realize this, tomorrow is a new day.  I am going to go home and begin to live again.  Working through forgiving myself first and foremost, continue working on the book, waiting for my property to sell. Believing that when the time comes to move, it will be more than clear to me where it is I am to move. The blues and the doldrums departing from me as I think about the possibilities of what lies up ahead if I just don’t give up and stop believing.  No matter what it looks like today,  I just have to keep looking in my heart and believing that there is so much up ahead I just can’t see yet.  God is leading the way.  Could I really doubt such a beautiful journey it will be in the end? 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Yesterday I was in a store coming out of the Outer Banks.  It had a section of inspirational books.  One of the books was,  “To My Soul Mate.”  No kidding! I picked it up and began to read some of it.  It was someone that everyday wrote a note to their soul mate.  Words of beauty and peace.  I never could tell whether or not they were together, but there were enough notes in there to make the most incredible book of love!  I thought of you.  I should buy this book and send it to him! I thought to myself.  But I decided that I don’t know for sure it is you here!  If I knew it for sure, then I could buy the book and ship it to you, because you already know what I believe!  But if it isn’t you, then I’d better not risk sending you this book, “To My Soul Mate” because what would you think?!! Ha ha!!!  Besides, have I not written you enough notes the past three plus years to make my own beautiful book?  So think of it as if you have already read the book!  You’ve been reading it one day at time, as I live it. This journey we walk, you and I.  So incredibly filled with mysterious wonder, and yet, filled with so much peace too.  As you reach out for me, you always find me here, and as I reach out for you, I always find you here.  And one day I have decided that we will walk a beach somewhere and we will say to one another,  “Remember the day when?”  And we will smile and we will both agree,  “It was so worth the wait!  Yes, my friend, it was so worth the wait.”  And life will be beautiful in our own growing way.  A new horizon to be reached after we reach that horizon. So much up ahead, with all my heart I still so see you there too.  But then, I am just me……sometimes crazy, sometimes seeing things that some can’t see.  I still see you.  I believe I always will.  It was in your eyes.  I send you love and light.  Thinking of you as you are out there, and I am out here, and somewhere along the way we have been on the same roads this past week…….I think? Life is incredibly strange, isn’t it?  Have a beautiful tomorrow.  Get some rest!  And dream.  Of me???? *smiles*  Goodnight, from my hotel to yours……..Love, Sunshine

Take me back, oh please, take me back............