Believing is seeing……..

I’d say it feels great to be home, but it doesn’t.  I am grateful for this house and property of which I live, but it is almost as if this isn’t the place I have always known.  Perhaps this is a natural separation that needs to occur. I only know that as I lay in my pool today, there was a constant stream of visitors next door.  It made me sad.  This place has always been so desolate in a lot of ways.  Now, it has become a hang out place for some young bachelors who live next door.  It is so time to sell!!  Sometimes I want to scream, “WHAT IS THE HOLD UP?”  Ahhh…….but all things happen in perfect timing, right?

I slept in this morning. I’ve got to stop these 2:00 a.m. bedtimes!  So much coming up, this is not a good schedule for me to be on.

When I woke up I did a meditation hike.  An awesome time as I am still touched by the “Conversations With God” DVD of which I have still only watched half.  I walked the 2.5 miles, in heat that made the dogs lag behind, as they panted so incredibly hard.  I was lost in the love and light Jesus sends to me when I get to that place, it was the endurance I needed to complete my time this morning.

I spent the rest of the day for the most part floating in my pool.  A lot of quiet and still time. I floated for close to three hours. I think God has a way of working it out that I have these down times, so that when the next rift of life comes my way, I have been still and filled with peace.  I guess it’s a gift from God to fill me before the next challenge.  That coupled with the fact I was so tired from all the travels and getting home so late last night, I found myself dozing.  So restful and peaceful.  It was good.  The Jason saga was about to heat up again.  I was glad for an afternoon of peace before hand.

After all that floating time,  I came in to make reservations for Jason’s wedding in Alabama.  The hotels in Orange Beach, where he is to be married are running upwards of $350 per night.  I made reservations in Pensacola, FL. It was only 30 miles away and rates were so much cheaper.  I emailed Emma with the details.  She had been emailing girlfriend, or should I now say, fiancée to try to get as much detail as she could, which was very limited!  Let’s see, Joel is traveling how many miles to be best man and no one can tell them what is happening, and this wedding event is 3 weeks away?  Emma passes along what info she has gotten, tho it is very sketchy.  She thanks me that I found a reasonable room, with a fridge in it.  I feel as if I will have one friend at this event, Emma, of which I am SO not looking forward to going to!

I hang up and begin to cry.  I try to understand why I am crying. I have accepted Jason is going to marry her.  I know this is part of his journey apparently. I have written a letter of apology to her, and told her she’d be welcomed into our family.  I had let go.  So why am I crying I asked myself? And I realized it was because here I am, his mom, and no one has even mentioned ANYTHING about plans to me.  We simply received an invitation by mail.  Parents of the groom and all we are involved in is receiving an invitation.  I cry because I sense that girlfriend’s family is buying and paying for Jason.  My son that I adore, who will not listen to me!  I am being shunned in this whole wedding thing!  I don’t want to go! I am a person of peace, yes, but if push comes to shove, I can and usually will come out fighting.  That means “going off on people.”  How can I go to this wedding, after these people have so blatantly ignored the fact Jason does have a family and act all nice?  Anger was taking over.  I was crying, and so hurt!  So what do I do? I pick up the phone and call Jason.  He’ll never answer! I think to myself, after all, he hasn’t answered ANY of my calls in how many months?

Guess what? Today, he answers! Quick! Hide the tears and the sobs!!  “Hey what are you doing?”  He asks as he answers the phone.  “Not much.  Just wanted to let you know we made it home from the Outer Banks okay.”  We make small talk about the trip.  Was it fun, etc.  “What’s the matter mom? You sound like you’re getting ready to cry.”  “No, I’m not! Honest!!” I say in way that I just can’t hide tears.  “I made reservations at the Best Western in Pensacola.” I begin to tell him.  “It’s about 31 miles away.”  “But I WANT you to stay at the place we are getting married!”  He tells me in an argumentive tone.  “Jason!  I tried! It was going to be $732 for 2 nights! I’m not going to spend that for 2 nights!”  “But I’m afraid if you don’t stay there, you won’t feel a part of the wedding at all! I know it’s expensive, but it is what we want.”   Excuse me?  Be a part of it?!  Doesn’t he understand I haven’t felt a part of ANY of this since they told us in March they were getting married?!  I began to explain to him that we hadn’t been a part of ANY of this at all.  He told me he had made some mistakes.  We banter back and forth as I remind him I don’t want to fight, but I feel that staying for 2 nights at $229, vs. $700 makes a whole lot more sense!  He gives me his reasons for wanting me to stay where he is, “What if I want to come talk to you?  You’d be 30 miles away! And what if I want to talk to Joel?”  I think to myself, “You haven’t talked to me since March, why would you need to talk now?”  I don’t say what I am thinking because if there is one thing I don’t want to do, it is fight.  We leave it that I will think about it.  “It would mean so much to me mom if you would stay where I am.”  What to do?

I hang up and I cry.  More. Where is the beach when I need it?  And I think of where I was just a week ago at that moment. God got me away for awhile, but there comes a time you have to return. I go out on my porch swing and I cry for a few more minutes.  Hubby comes around, “What’s wrong?”  I tell him.  “Oh well! Sorry!  Ain’t gonna happen!”  He says as he sweeps the deck.  He goes about doing whatever it is he is doing. He doesn’t know what to do about all this, so he retreats and just doesn’t deal with it.  But someone has to!

So I call Joel.  Poor Joel, he has taken the blunt of most of this!  Guess that’s what happens when you are a twin and your twin is on a wayward path.  No answer. I leave a message.  It is obvious I’ve been crying.  He calls shortly after, and we talk.  He makes it clear that this is the most screwed up wedding plans he himself has ever seen, but he is going to support his brother.  He had told Jason last week that he couldn’t afford the rooms at the hotel of which Jason is staying.  But Jason knows I have the money, if I will spend it.  He figures I will pay for Joel too. Thus the guilt sent my way.  Joel and I talk for a long time. I decide I will try to call the hotel tomorrow to check on a one bedroom suite, vs. a 2 bedroom. Perhaps that will save me a couple hundred dollars.

If Jason would have told me this a month ago I would have not gone to the Outer Banks and spent that money!  I tried to tell him this, but when I look in my heart tonight, that is not true. I needed the Outer Banks, and I would have gone anyway!  I sit on my deck and I cry to myself, gentle tears. I SO want to get away!  I want to sell the place and just move.  Truly, the Outer Banks call me now. I know it’s reckless and SO not practical, but what if I can write books?  Wouldn’t this be the divine place to do that?  I know I can’t run, but a part of me is SO wanting to go someplace.

The rest of the night was spent IM’ing with Spirit Bear and Dovey.

I’m through the crying now. Having convinced myself that God will pull me through the next few weeks.  And for the wedding, I will begin tomorrow to do affirmations that I will NOT be angry! I will NOT be angry! I will NOT be angry!  *deep breaths, hold palms out, face up*  Love,  I will baste in the love God pours out and when I am faced to do those things I so greatly DON’T want to do, I will trust Him that even tho I am weak, He is strong.  All is in His hands, over and over, I must remind myself of this.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:   If you only knew how much in this moment I want to reach out to you!  How could words express it?  I’m not sure they can, so I hope that wherever you are, in this very moment, which it is 1:17 a.m.,  that you feel a warmth surround you.  In case you ever wonder if this is real, please, do me a favor?  Look in your heart.  Look past any fear that this just can’t be real, to look in your heart and find what is there, because without a doubt, I believe with all my heart, you will find a love written there.  I so wish I understood why we are where we are?  2 people that feel so much for another, and yet, for what ever reason can’t talk?  But we do find one another anyway.  Through space and time, we find one another.  Everyday!  We get to touch everyday.  I want so much more, but allow the faith within me to trust that which is meant to be one day will.  No expectations! I keep telling myself this, but why is it as the years go on, I feel more and more close to you?  So much time has passed, and yet, not a day goes by that you don’t feel so close.  It’s so unexplainable, and at the same time seems to be the most real thing I have ever known.  I reach for you…..I so hope wherever you are, you feel the warmth.  The magic of what this is.  I am sending you love and light.  Believe.  Never stop believing!  I am here, and you are here, and it is the light that will continue to lead us on.  Goodnight, With a lot of love……….. Sunshine

Through Space and Time, You are Ever Near.........Believing is seeing!