My mood tonight must be one of romance.  For no real reason, other than feeling a bit sensitive on the inside and a feeling that I have finally made the decision to live.  Did I just wake this morning and know it was time, or has it been a slow journey to this point? Yeah, I think that is more it.  I have my meditative music playing, candles lit everywhere in the living room I sit in, my indoor fountain on the table next to me gently flowing, and of course, Pete and Lilly at my feet. I feel so incredibly meditative and sentimental.

It was 20 years ago today that life began a path of change for me.  My brother, Mark, died at the age of 31 of a heart attack.  Sometimes I forget this day and it comes and goes without a lot of thought, but today would not be such.  I had lunch with a good friend, Jane.  I think that this was more than a coincidence as Jane and I haven’t had lunch together in years and years.  A friend to me for going on 25 years now, it seemed fitting we’d have lunch on this date.  See, it was Jane that called me that fateful day on the radios we used at the radio station where we both worked. (This was before the day of cell phones.)

I remember it clearly, July 16, 1987.  I was at a store called, “Country Girl.”  It was when the country phase of decorting had begun. This store was a pioneer of sorts in our area, and a client to me.  They had quilts, bears, rocking horses, candles and all those things country was back then made up of in shades of blue and mauve.  It was owned by a mom, who to this moment I cannot think of her name, and her daughter Anne.  Anne was my age. I dearly loved these two and enjoyed working with them!  In my marketing strategies of their new and upcoming business we’d spend hours talking of the latest trends, and my ideas of how we could market this to increase business!   We’d laugh and such.  I had been in their store for close to an hour that day with some new ideas.  When I got back in my car, Jane, who was business manager for the radio station was paging me on our radios.  “Sunshine, do YOU have a copy!?”  I could tell there was a problem in the tone.  “Yeah Jane, I’m here.”  “You need to come back to the radio station NOW!”  I could tell a sense of urgency in her voice, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to go back.  “But Jane, I have 3 more appointments, can it wait till 3:30?”  (It was about 1:30.)  “NO!  You need to come back now!” “Jane, what’s wrong?”  “Just come back.”  She said, obviously not going to give me any more detail.  My heart sunk.  This wasn’t normal. I had to drive way across town in a state of panic.  “I’m on my way. I’m clear on the west side of town, it’ll take me at least 15 minutes.” I said.  “Just get here as soon as you can.”

The drive was endless.  First thing I thought about were my kids.  Amy was 10 at the time, the twins 8.  Days had been rather shaky anyway. I’d finally followed what I thought was my heart and told hubby I wanted out.  A separation.  When I did it I felt horrible, simply because I knew how much I was hurting him, but more importantly I had earlier had a boss who knew how miserable I was in my marriage tell me if I divorced, I’d be under a curse.  I ignored him, thinking that was crazy talk! Still, the seed of doubt and fear had been planted.  My drive on the way back to the station was this,  “I am being punished.  Please Lord, let my kids be okay.” Isn’t it funny how thoughts are like a forest fire?  They sweep through you growing with flames of fire the more you think.  By the time I pulled into the radio station I was a mess. A ball of fear!

I ran in.  “What’s up?”  I asked Jane. I could tell by the look on her face she was upset. “Your brother collapsed at work.  They have taken him to the hospital, you need to get there right away!”  She said as she put her arm around me.  I was so relieved!  I mean, it wasn’t my kids right?!  My brother had some medical problems, having had open heart surgery exactly one year earlier on this day.  “Oh Jane! I was so afraid it was my kids!  I need a cigarette!” I said as I took a deep breath. I stopped to have one in the smoking lounge.  Looking back how crazy was that?!  But, I think it was God slowing me down to be honest.  Like part of some divine plan.

When I was done smoking, and talking to Jane trying to calm down, I headed out the front door and got in my car to head to the hospital.  As I was driving out of the parking lot I see my dad, mom, and my sister-in-law driving by. “What are they doing?!  Don’t they know Mark collapsed?”  I pulled out of our parking lot into the business next door.  I hoped out of my car.  My dad pulled over, my mom hoped out too,  “Honey, Mark didn’t make it.”  She said crying.  It took a minute to dawn on me what she was saying.  “What?!”  “Honey, he’s gone.”  All of life stopped in that moment. I’m not sure I’d ever gone quite as hysterical as I did then my whole entire life! I began to SCREAM!  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”  My mom tried to calm me down, the business owner next to the radio station ran out thinking there had been a horrible accident!  Jane, in the radio station heard me and ran out as did a couple others I worked with.  I was screaming, crying, not sure what I was doing.  It was such a shock. I only had one brother!  31!  I was a mere 29!  Funny how life hits you in the face sometimes.

Jane got me calmed down. My mom tried.  Jane put me in the back seat of my mom and dad’s car, next to my sister-in-law. At the age of 23, she had just lost her husband and become a widow.  I suddenly remembered too, it was her birthday.  He died on her birthday.  “I’m so sorry S!”  I told her.  Tears streaming as I tried so hard to re-gather my senses. The drive to my parent’s house seemed long and quiet with the exception of sobs from all of us every now and then.  As I tried so hard to make this a reality, my brother was gone, I’d never see him again, I remembered my place in life at the moment……The curse that had been presented to me if I tried to divorce hubby suddenly came back to mind full force! I killed my brother! I really am under a curse! I sobbed in the back seat to myself.  Yes, this was what I thought in that moment. I had left hubby and I was now going to pay a price for it.

Jane struggled and struggled to get my car moved back to the radio station.  She was so upset herself!  She couldn’t get the stupid stick shift into gear and was so rattled…….later that night I would go back and get my car.  Hubby would come around to go with me to get my brother’s truck from where he worked.  Life was changing in that moment in ways I just didn’t understand.  Life didn’t seem fair.

As I lunched with Jane today, I hadn’t yet realized what the date was.  We had a great time, reliving old memories.  Not this one, but other memories.   It was after I got home that I realized the date.  I called her later this evening and left a message,  “It seems fitting we had lunch today.  I know where we were both 20 years ago.  It’s the anniversary of my brother’s death.  Thought you might like to know where you were 20 years ago today.”  I hung up feeling so sentimental.  She did call me back a bit later,  “This is SO weird!  Coming home late this afternoon after doing errands I suddenly remembered trying to find you the day your brother died! I hadn’t thought about it in a long time!  I even told Dan (hubby) about it, and how I couldn’t get you that day!  I had no way to know it was today!  That is TOO weird!”  Funny.  Our lunch date today was because Jane has some real disappointments in life about some things and she knows if she comes to me she can get spiritual insights on life,  “That’s why I come to you!”  She told me.  I talked to her about signs, that God puts them all around us if she will pay attention.  She had never had a sign she said.  Tonight, I said, “Guess what!  You just had a sign!”  God got your attention by bringing back to memory what today was and confirmed it when I left you that message!”  All of a sudden she saw life in a new light!

It was a great lunch.  I shared with her this journey theory I have and how everything is so divinely planned! How the bad isn’t really bad, but teaches us what we are here to learn.  Well, all those things I so believe from within my heart.  She soaked it all in like a sponge.  And I listened to that of which she needed to express.  For a time we talked of me and my place in life.  I told her again of some of my dreams and aspirations.  And I talked of him, soul mate.  Tonight I wonder how he came into the conversation, but I think it was when I was explaining to her how certain things come to us and we haven’t a clue?  “Like me! I’m so in love with a man that is so far away and I never see him or talk to him!”  She knows some of the story.  Little, but some, I mean we’ve been friends for a very long time.  “I know you are.”  She says.  I realize what I have said!  “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean…….”  She cut me off, “Yes, you did mean!  I have known you a very long time!  I have NEVER seen you glow like you do when you mention his name.  You light up!  There is an essence about you when you speak of him.  Sunshine! I have NEVER seen you like this! You are so very in love with him!”  “No I’m not!”  I quickly try to deny!  This is just so wrong I try to convince myself! How can I explain this to her?  I can’t!  It’s written on my face, and to deny it isn’t doing any good.  “No, I can’t be!” I say again! “He’s so far away and who knows if I will ever even get to see him again.”  “You will.”  She says.  “You and he will cross paths again.  I think he feels the same way you do.”  “Then why doesn’t he call?  After all this time, he reads my stuff everyday, why doesn’t he call?”  She ran through her separated thoughts of why he doesn’t, but she finishes by saying, “Since I have known you, I can’ believe how much you have grown!  You are SO way above where most think or feel!  I can’t believe the person you’ve grown into!”  I thank her.  “Hey Sunshine,”  she finishes,  “I’ve never seen you glow like this.  It’s really beautiful.”  I blush. I wonder to myself how this could have happened?  But it did.  It has to be real on some level.  As I go to drive away from my friend, I whisper his name,  “…. Will I ever know?”

I wasn’t sad, honest. I was just sentimental.  I had just spent 2 hours with my friend talking of the journey and encouraging her to believe in the unbelievable.  It was time I followed my own advice.

I came home light-hearted. I could spend hours and hours talking about love and light and faith!  Helping others to find their way!  I weighed all the options of what I needed to do in that moment.  Bills/finances, unload the dishwasher, laundry, but one option weighed in greater than another,  FLOAT IN MY POOL!  I changed into my swim suit and opted to do just that!

I dozed on and off.  Dreaming, thinking, wondering, and remembering my brother.  How different life is. Oh, along the way I finally came to the conclusion I didn’t kill my brother, but it took me years and years to believe it.  I did go back with hubby at the time, promising to be good out of fear.  It would take years and years of prayer and faith, and the promise of a soul mate to one day come along that I would finally be set free.  When I thought about it floating in the pool, I am a miracle!

I came in and wanted to get a quick call into Leo.  *laughs, as if there is such a thing as quick*  We talked and poured out our hearts. I told her of my latest “coincidence.”  She tells me it’s not a bad thing by ANY means!  As a matter of fact, she thinks it is a positive sign!  Okay! I was thinking so myself!  We laugh. We share.  Some days I need this so much.

I called Elizabeth tonight again.  She’s still waiting to hear about the offer she put in on the new house.  I once again told her how I wasn’t going to be home this week from Thursday on…………..I won’t even be back until next Wednesday, and then it is only for a day as I will head out Thursday to Alabama for Jason’s wedding.  Why not come house sit for me?!”   It’s true!  The next two weeks I will only be in my house one day.  (Woe is me)  She is going to find out what happens with the offer on her house and let me know.  Hey, it beats spending days in a hot park with her dogs!

At dinner I can’t believe I did it, but I did.  I broke the news to hubby.  “Okay, here is what I am now thinking.”  I begin.  “I want to buy a cheaper house in the city when the property sells. I will get it all set up, then I think I am going to go to Kitty Hawk for 3 or 4 months and finish my book. I am going to rent a place on the beach. I want to be on the water to complete this.”  I begin.  I wait for the roar of NO WAY!  But it didn’t come.  “What?!”  He says.  “You want to go where for how long?”  “Kitty Hawk, for 3 or 4 months.”  He doesn’t bulk!  He doesn’t even get angry.  I try to explain the magic of this place to me.  Is he starting to understand that this call to another place is getting stronger?  Does he think I will never do it?  It doesn’t start a fight or anything! “Okay, if you think you must.” He says.  I don’t push my luck.  Besides, I am only testing the waters.  This came up in my conversation with Jane earlier.  “I really need to do this.” She understood.  It grows stronger within me each and everyday.

Tonight when I got home from errands we were running, I took the dogs out walking.  Even tho I did my meditation hike this morning, walking 2.5 miles, I was able to do another 1.5 miles tonight. That’s like 4 miles today!  Oh, so full of energy at the moment as I walk this journey of faith!  One where I SO believe it is heading to the most incredible place.

As I was checking emails tonight I got one that I normally ignore. A spiritual site I use to read all the time.  Speaking of signs, it got my attention.  “Does God play matchmaker to bring soul mates together?” An article written on how God prepared people before they met their soul mates.  Such an incredible article reminding me once again that all I experienced before he came into my life does in fact happen to others.  In almost all cases, they are together and married now, but in one case, the man waited 53 years, BUT, one day, he did end up with the one he always believed was his true one.  I cried when I read his story! How one day he called her up when her husband passed.  They still didn’t get together for another 3 years!  Finally, she called him.  He told her that day he never stopped loving her.  Okay, so they are ancient, BUT they are together!  I’m not sure I will ever feel old?  Even when I am 83! LOL! I remember being shown soul mate before we met.  I wasn’t told we’d be together, but I was shown that he was the one I had shared an incredible love with always, meaning throughout eternity.  Perhaps this was the glow Jane saw?

Oh, but I ramble! Like a silly, teenager, I ramble with things that I just can’t explain.  I only know that I have grown beyond measure since the day he was brought into my life.  Yes, it is GOD that gives me the true keys to growth, but in a small way, I have to say it was as if God gave soul mate the keys, and when the time was right, soul mate came and opened the door for me.  He held the keys!  But guess WHO sent him this way?  Guess who opened my eyes to remember all that I was supposed to remember?  Guess who never leaves my side and walks with me all the days of my life?  Guess who gives me rain and sunshine?  Guess who fills my days with the most incredible signs and wonders?  Guess who it is that lights the way on my journey?  And all glory is given to Him…….My Father in heaven. 

Yes, I’m feeling a bit romantic and sentimental tonight.  Life is such a journey.  Thanks for sharing some of it with me. The good and the bad!

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Is your head spinning ever so slightly at all of my confessions in my journal tonight?  Oh, how sometimes I wish I could see your face when I confess my deepest thoughts and they are of you.  Do you smile?  Do you fight back tears?  Do you feel warm?  Do you laugh?  Do you shake your head in disbelief?  Or do you wonder about it all?  Do you feel a lot of what I feel too?  Do you ever sit there and become afraid that it just can’t be real, “She doesn’t know me, and if she did she wouldn’t feel this way?”  I offer you this incredible truth of my heart everyday for just one reason………because I want to share it with you.  If in life you find this special connection I have with you, then I think it is important that you treasure it and never be afraid to share it.  Of course more than anything I would love it if one day you’d just call to whisper to me that my words have warmed you so many times, but if you can’t ever do it for what ever reason, you have still let me know in your own safe way that this place means a lot to you.  And I will be here.  Where else would I go?  There is no where.  Whether here or on the other side, one day we will find one another again…………it’s just always been this way, or so I was once shown in a vision.  I just love trying to explain to you all these things that can’t be explained………I feel you near you know?  Touching what is real……..and a smile. Yeah, I think you are smiling.  I smile with you. J  I send you love and light.  In love? Me???????  No way!  I always glow like this!  Just because my friend of 20 some years has never seen it before doesn’t mean anything, does it?  Oh my!  What if???????????????  *winks*  Smile!  The journey is still before us and all is well because there is love.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine