As I begin to write, it’s a about 10:30.  I’m back at Amy’s house after a complete day at the hospital.  Skylar is attempting to fall to sleep next to me. I so hope it happens so very quickly.  Tonight exhaustion has a new meaning to me. I’ve been on the go chasing a 2-year old since 5:30 this morning. I think being 25 years of age *wink* qualifies me to just be too old for this. But, duty calls at the moment and I purpose in my heart to do the best I can.

And no, Skylar is NOT even trying to fall to sleep at the moment. UGH!

Gabrielle Cora (Bree) arrived in this world this morning at 9:36 a.m.  She weighed in at 6’11”, and was 19’5” long.  Everything was good and all went very well.  Of course, here are some photos.  Chad was able to bring Bree out right after she was born to meet her big sister.  These photos are of Skylar meeting her sister for the first time.  The other photos are of Bree, and a few of Drew, my 2^nd grandchild now almost 3 months old!

I LOVE THIS PHOTO! Chad and the nurse have just left the delivery room and they pause to let "big sister" meet her new sister..............then next one we tell her to kiss her little sister. Chad is in the background and very emotional about everything. I joked with him, "You're just getting in touch with your femine side!"

Drew..........in his robe.

It was full day of chasing Skylar.  Trying to entertain a 2-year old in a hospital waiting room, and probably a bit anxious about Amy after Skylar’s birth, which was one of trauma, wore on me.  Chad’s mom and sister were there as well, which provided for quite a bit of relief this morning, however, by this afternoon they had gone home.  Emma who is ALWAYS such a help now has Drew, so she was limited on how much she could do tho she did do what she could.  Everything went well till late afternoon when Amy began to run a fever.  While no one is making a big deal of this, even tonight, I have a bit of uneasiness about it. With all my heart I KNOW she is okay, and is just coming down with a summer cold, but all the same, I think the mom thing kicks in or something.  I made Chad promise me he would call if she got bad over night or something.  I won’t borrow trouble tho! I see health surround her and healing fall upon her. Faith in action, right!?!!

Jason and Susan *fiancée* were there this morning.  The first time I have seen Susan since March, my birthday, when they broke the news.  I have prayed on this moment for a very long time that when it came, my heart would be ready and pure.  The truth is, I DON’T like conflict. I’m not good at it, and honestly in my heart, I do love and care about everyone.  Not that I approve of a lot that has happened the past how ever long it’s been happening, but I want it to be a new day and a new beginning.  When she walked in, I welcomed her as if nothing had ever happened.  Interestingly enough, she came over and sat right next to me on the sofa in the waiting room.  We talked about next week, the wedding plans, and if everything was going okay.  She didn’t really acknowledge too much excitement about it all, which surprised me somehow? She has a big test I guess that has to be taken first, and acts as tho this is what her main focus is.  I continued to treat her as if she is one of the family, and she treated me as if there has never been conflict between us.  It was nice for Jason I am sure.  Here we are, sitting on the sofa with her holding Drew.

I’m not sure how to explain this, but I have always felt as if Susan is drawn to my energy.  I don’t mean that in a negative way at all.  But I so feel as if she tries so hard “WHEN” she is trying to really be a friend. Almost as if sometimes she looks up to me or something?  I’m probably really wrong, or perhaps she is just amazed at what forgiveness looks like, as in her family there was no such thing.  As a matter of fact what I hear is that her mom and dad can’t even be in the same room without a huge battle ensuing.  Perhaps forgiveness is something she is just learning?  It doesn’t matter to me. I really do care about her at a very deep heart level, because I am drawn to hurting people. I’ve lost my way when it comes to her because of some personal hurt, BUT, God has corrected me and when push came to shove, His mercy and grace won out.  Both she and Jason had to get back to work, so left by 11:00 a.m. When I went out for lunch and to Amy’s to check on the dogs she called me.  Like old friends she was wanting to know the plans about getting to the hospital tomorrow and wanting to know if we can go together to let our dogs out later in the day in one car.  In other words, I got the feeling she wants to hang out for a bit.  It was nice, believe it or not, that is how I felt about it.  I suddenly have a new set of eyes to see I must really try to be friends with her. SO, miracle #2 today!  Bree arriving healthy and whole and Amy being okay being the first miracle!

My friend Jane called me!  A miracle had occurred for her today as well.  Right now, I’m not at liberty to say exactly what that miracle is, but what was really seeming to be a hindrance in her life suddenly took a MIRACOULOUS turn today!  When we had lunch and she was telling me of her frustrations I told her that she had to stop thinking about it negatively or in defeat, but begin to visualize it flowing to her with love and light surrounding this particular need in her life.  When she came to clean my house yesterday she reported that she was doing just that!  Seeing the situation change!  Today, it DID!  She was SO excited when she called me!  Like a kid that just discovered the greatest secret on earth!  I laughed with her, and even I am amazed at how quickly this happened for her!  But then when I think of it, this is how I think it happened…..God just sent her my way to pass along this incredible message of His love and light and how we can expect miracles!  He moved quickly in her life!  Sometimes I wish I could have things I need happen so quickly too, but I think it’s because God is just now teaching Jane spiritual principals.  Someone like me, that has walked this walk for years and years gets to learn about faith then.  I still expect the miracles, but I think part of the lessons of faith is patience and waiting…..and waiting…..and waiting! *winks soul mate*

Speaking of miracles!  FINALLY!  Skylar is asleep next to me. I will move her to her toddler bed as soon as I know she is SOUND asleep!  *whew*  Lots of prayers answered as she was so wound up when I laid down with her.

It’s good to spend time with Joel and Emma. I like how close I feel to Emma these days.  I wish I was more of a baby person as I am so afraid I hurt their feelings by not holding Drew more, but the truth is, I’m just not.  Even with Bree. I held her a few times, but I don’t get this endless joy by holding newborns as say Chad’s mom does.  Sometimes it makes me feel selfish or something, but I found it ironic that we had this discussion this morning as we were all waiting for Bree to arrive. There were 3 of us in the room agreeing, Kevin, Chad’s brother-in-law, Susan *fiancée*, and me.  We all agreed that we weren’t little baby people, but we LOVED them when they were 2 and above!  I laughed as I looked at the 3 of us, we are all Pisces!  And if I’m not mistaking, we as Pisces tend to be free spirits and so it is hard to probably hold something too long without it responding, right?  Drew is adorable and I love him with all my heart, it’s just that it’s so hard for me right now to just sit, especially when Skylar is in my charge while Chad and Amy are tied up the next few days with Bree.

I still feel very removed from everyone and everything. Oh, I don’t think anyone notices it by looking at me or with my actions or anything, it’s just a heart issue I have.  I LOVE my family!  How could words explain how much I love them?  BUT, I still have this calling to someplace else. Like this is not what I am meant to do the rest of my life.  Yes, I will ALWAYS be here for them in whatever they may need, but I also feel as if I have a very strong purpose someplace else.  It’s the battle that rages from within most days these days.  A belief I’m called elsewhere, and yet, still trying so hard to live in this life I am in.  Such a delicate balance that I struggle with almost everyday of my life.

For now, I continue to see miracles!  Bree, my 3^rd grandchild now here. It’s been such a whirlwind of a day that I don’t think I’ve fully been able to cherish the miracle it truly is!  Nor have I had a chance to bond. I don’t know if this is because being #3 the specialness has worn off or something, or if it is because I am torn 3 different ways now, but I have a feeling when all slows down and I begin to spend time with her I will realize the beauty of it all. Or maybe, just maybe, at this time in my life, my heart is so far away? Perhaps after years and years of being the control freak I was, thinking I had to hold on to everything for dear life, I have finally let go?  And now I am free to be what it is I was meant to be before life taught me to try to hold on so tightly?

Just thoughts from an exhausted mind………and body!  Yet, God is so in the center of it all!  And everything I do, and everything I am called to minute by minute is done in quiet seeking as I ask what it is I should do to make it through these parts.  All is beautiful tho, and if you don’t believe it, then I hope you see it in the photos I have posted here.  God is love, and if we will all be still to look around, love can be found in everything.  Or so I believe tonight……..

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

*TO ALL:  Many of you have been here today to check in on everything, (gotta love that STAT button) and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. This journey I walk is so incredible, and to realize the prayers out there mean more to me than I could ever try to express. Thank you for being here, sharing the journey, and for the prayers.  Most of all, thank you for the love.

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Where do I begin?  We went through this 2 years ago, when Skylar was born. You were there that day too.  I don’t know if it is you, but here is what I do know:  Today, when all was well and everyone was standing around celebrating, it was your face I saw. Like you were with me? In spirit?  I even thought to myself,  what is this? It is so clear!  I whispered to you…….just a fleeting thought of what the moment was in my mind and my heart.  And this feeling of you being so near rested with me almost all day. As if I knew? Tonight when I checked the STAT button, I felt as if it confirmed all I felt, perhaps all that I am feeling and seeing in my spirit IS in fact real?  I wish so much I knew for a fact that it is you, these hits I have now been getting since my old journal even!  It can’t be proved, because this is the way it is meant to be, BUT, how could I doubt? I feel it too strongly. I don’t know “why” sometimes, but they why’s don’t matter to me anymore.  You do.  And the love is so real in this moment as I finally realized how much you were checking in today.  Tho this may not make sense according to rational thinking, I don’t care. I like the love and light I feel coming from you, the concern, the care, the being here in your way……the special way I feel when I close my eyes and see you. I feel new strength. I feel warm. I feel such beauty!  As I was watching “Shrek” today for the 100^th time with Skylar, there is a part where the princess and Shrek know they love one another but they are so hard headed they aren’t doing what needs to be done to be together…….in the scene of their denial, he is in his house, fighting what he feels, and yet dreaming of her. She is getting ready to marry some one else, and you see her dreaming of him………..I immediately thought of you and me, and I wondered if it is this way? I know it is for me, and if I listened to my heart, I know it is for you too. So when?  I can try to go all these different places, but you know what I think?  I think that which is far and distant calling isn’t a place. It’s where home is.  Remember where I call home?  Of course you do! I SO wish I could be there in this moment and just fall into the most serene place I know.  Within the sphere of everything you are.  I’m going to bed now, perhaps I will find you out there in my dreams……..I send you love and light.  Always on my mind and in my heart.  Always!  Thank you SO much for being here so much today that I can’t help but know how much you do care.  *hugs*  All is well, and you remain my special someone.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine