What long days hospital days can be, when you’re a patient and when you’re just a family member trying to be there.  At least we all did get to sleep in this morning,  Skylar included.  It was about 9:00 a.m. before we all got up and going.  I think it was needed for all of us.  Poor Amy didn’t think we’d ever get there.  I always think she will want her rest, but I guess she wants everyone up there.

Tonight once again finds me in Chad and Amy’s room, where I am sleeping right now.  Skylar’s toddler bed is at the foot of their bed for now, until Joel and Emma leave of which they are sleeping in her double bed while here. I had brought the Arrow bed for me, but it isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing, so now that Chad is staying with Amy, I am in their room.  Skylar was so tired tonight, she didn’t even climb in with me, but chose to go right to her toddler bed. I’m not sure, but I don’t believe she is quite asleep, tho close. I bought her a stuffed puppy today, it looks like a real Yorkie puppy that came in a bag like a cage. She fell in love with it! She is snuggled up to it, or was when she climbed in.  I had gotten Bree a big Care Bear, and thought I can’t leave Skylar out! Then I remembered Drew is there too so he got a prayer stuffed bear that recites 7 different prayers.  LOL, I went in to get Bree a small something and ended up spending $60. But hey! How often will it be that all 3 of the grandkids are together?  It felt like Christmas!

Here I am, holding all 3 this afternoon...........

Amy felt so much better today. That helped me a BUNCH!  I was there when the pediatrician came in.  There were a couple concerns with Bree. She does have a club foot, of which they will call in an Orthopedic Specialist. (And hero doc is SO far away!) Hopefully they will see her before she leaves.  There is another concern, which I won’t even mention here tonight. It is just that, a concern!  Poor Amy was beside herself on this one, but we have all convinced her after the miracles which surrounded Skylar, we should never even doubt anything less.  They are just following through we have convinced her.  I will admit the seed of doubt and fear has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but I SO believe that it is just a chance for all of us to use our faith.  Other than this one concern, everything else is wonderful or so the Pediatrician says.

Jason and Susan did in fact come up late afternoon after Susan got off work.  It was nice, we all seemed to get along so well. I KNOW this is REALLY helping Jason a ton, and to be honest, I think Susan is liking it too.  As Joel said tonight, “If you come from a dysfunctional family, and go into one that is kind and loving, perhaps it gives her something to grasp on to.”  Yeah, maybe?  Sometimes I think of us as being dysfunctional too, but then we always seem to work through whatever and in the end, there remains loyalty and a lot of love and forgiveness. Or so I pray.  I’ve eaten a lot of crow on this one.  My friend Spirit Bear who is a psychotherapist has been encouraging me all along because he works with people as Susan and has for a long time.  He commended me for how I put myself in a new space with all of this.  It’s a lot of prayer and applying love to a multitude of sins, for both me, Jason, and Susan.  With the exception of Chad and Amy, we all went to get pizza. Then back to the hospital for a great big photo of all of us together (in lieu of next week at the wedding was my thoughts, NOW Amy, Chad, Skylar, and Bre will be in a family photo!)  Then we came back to Amy’s, where Jason and Susan met us.  Jason, Joel, and hubby are downstairs playing Wii.  Susan is in the kitchen doing homework. I am up here writing, Skylar is now sound asleep, Drew is being fed last I knew and Emma in the other room. It is quiet and peaceful as I write. How I cherish these times!

Here we are at dinner tonight. 

 Poor Skylar!  Days are so busy right now, she refuses to give up and take a nap at the hospital!  At dinner, she was sitting next to me. I turned and saw her head bobbing.  She had a hold of her new stuffed puppy that she refuses to let go of, and fell fast asleep at the table.  How precious is this?

Family photo centered around Amy's hospital bed. I think she looks great for having major surgery yesterday!

Right now my days are so busy with things I wouldn’t choose for myself if I had a choice, BUT, there are good things too! Like spending time with Joel and Emma and Drew.  Slowly getting to know Bree.  Feeling as if I am giving Amy everything I have by being here for her right now, and of course Skylar.  We continue to grow so close to one another, even if she is a stubborn 2-year old that demands a LOT of attention and getting her own way!  Right now she seems to go with me wherever I go, and follows me like a mother hen. I think she is going through some emotions of a lot of things right now too with her mommy being gone and always holding a baby. Mah Maw seems to be the consistent thing right now.  And then there is the healing that has happened this through this birth with Jason and I.  If anyone believes that a relationship is too far gone to ever be turned around, read some of my journals the past few months, I was sure it was that way! But, love does in fact have a way to turn dark into light!  But why does it take me SO long sometimes to use that gift that’s been given me? And in the end, had I not written the letter of apology welcoming Susan into the family, regardless of how my pride screamed otherwise, I don’t think we’d be where we are. I like walking in love tho and letting God be my Defender.  I just love, if someone is doing me wrong, then God will deal with them.  Good way to see things I think.

I am missing my work outs and my down times. I keep reminding myself that in a mere week it will be back to the grindstone of work.  This is not settling well with me, but I don’t think it’s been a grandiose thing the past 20 years following summer break.  I keep hoping that my place will sell, SOON!  Then I am really on my way to new horizons!  I keep remembering what happened with my friend Jane, and have decided I need to see a buyer coming forth and offering me full asking price!  Why not?!  We attract what we believe. Then, the school will be a thing of my past as I walk into new horizons.

Elizabeth and I played phone tag all day.  She did put another offer in on another house.  She was supposed to find out tonight at 6:00 if they took her offer. Then it goes to house inspection and hoping it doesn’t fail as it did with the first house she thought she had.  She sounds frustrated, but still holding her head high.  I can’t believe how both she and I are going through the most strange times and how life is changing so rapidly for both of us.  With all these new grandkids, and looking around at the landscape of what my family is today, I’m just not sure I know who I am anymore.  Is that normal I wonder?  I’m just so young at heart.  Hubby does well with it, because he is so slow moving these days.  I’ve always said I am 49 going on 25, he is 51 going on 70. It’s maddening for me, and I am sure it is maddening for him. But that is another story to be talked about at another time. Right now I have to focus on light surrounding Bree and believe that the X-rays taken today will come back that all is well and the doctors were just being overly cautious. 

And of course where would my days be without “him?”  Just that special place in my heart I turn to when it gets so weary where I am.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s just some sort of dream that I have learned to turn to?  Like some fantasy or something?  But then I remember all the miraculous happenings on how we met, and have been allowed to see one another along the way, and how there is just this knowing that he is so close. I think if all this stuff is real, this connection I never believed in till I met him and actually experienced it, then it is for sure happening with him.  But boy oh boy, how much I’d just love to see him about right now!

I am ready to go home.  There is talk Amy could get out tomorrow, tho I highly suspect it will be Monday. I feel as if I need to spend one night here once she is home to just help her and Chad.  If nothing else but to keep Skylar busy and cook meals. Then, I will go home.  I just want another day  to lay in my pool and be still and meditate. Thursday I will head for Alabama for the wedding.  Sunday I plan to find a way to do the beach till 3:00……..then head home. That puts me at home Monday night so that I can head to work on Tuesday.  But I really don’t want to jump ahead that far.  I want to just take one day at a time as the summer quickly passes by.  Before I know it, it will be the holidays again.  That always makes me sad.  Will this be one more without him in my life?  And why is it I measure all of life by the holidays?  More questions I will one day have answers for.

For now I think I will close.  Everyone is still playing WII downstairs. Emma just came in and asked if I’d like to play with the guys. Hmmmm……..yeah, maybe?  Skylar fast asleep, I think it’s okay if I go downstairs now for a time.  Joel and Emma will leave early in the morning back to Tulsa, a rarity that Jason is around, I guess I should take advantage of this time.

Prayers for Bree the next 24 hours will be so appreciated! But if I had to guess? I feel all will be well as I remember that God is my source of strength and help when it feels as if a storm is brewing.  I believe with all my heart that my house is built on rock and shall stand.  Not because of who I am, but because of who God is.  It’s SO awesome to have friends in high places!  J

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I continue to find a source of strength from you as I face where I am at the moment.  Just this feeling you are so close.  And believing in that which can’t be proved, yet known.  So many stories of coincidence, and incredible signs to lead me to you for so long, I have finally given into the fact that you and I are SO much more than just 2 people who once met. I think we are 2 people who are so into the other……and yet, we still ask how?  How can we move beyond here to there……………I don’t have answers but I have a lot of faith. And love. SO much love to cover all the doubt.  I grasp onto this one thing, we don’t know what tomorrow holds.  Somewhere up there, we are going to find one another again, and that is the day I dream of.  I promise you I have the most pure heart in this.  No expectations, no plans, but a gentle trust that you remain in my heart for so many reasons after all this time.  I send you love and light as I sit here and see your face.  If home’s where my heart is, then I’m out of place!  *hugs*  Have a beautiful day tomorrow, I thank you with all my heart for finding the time to be here for me this weekend. You are so special! J  Goodnight – With so much love…..Sunshine