It’s very late and as suspected would probably happen, I am beyond exhausted now.  So much for the restful feelings I had just a few short weeks ago.

Joel, Emma and Drew left this morning to go back to Tulsa.  Normally I am sad by this, but today wasn’t bad. I will see them the end of this week in Alabama for Jason’s wedding. I’m still doing okay with it, but not too, just because of the absence of Amy.  Jason did his best somewhat to be around for Amy the past few days, but in the end, I know her absence will be felt by him.  Something he will live with for a very long time.  However, for the sake of peace, I shall say no more about it.  I did okay when they said goodbye this morning.

We did see them again at the hospital. We stopped to tell Amy we were going to go home for a bit today so that I could check on Nick, my 18-year old cat, and water my outside plants.  Joel and Emma had stopped to say goodbye too.  I think they are feeling bad that Amy won’t be there as well.  It’s sad, but I won’t beat a dead horse or however that goes.  I heard hubby’s phone ring a few minutes ago. They apparently have arrived safely. *smiles and a grateful heart of thanks*

We drove by the house I keep seeing in my mind’s eye I want to buy. I always thought it was the log cabin, but lately, this one seems SO much what I want.  For now.  We walked around it with Skylar and the dogs. It’s empty. I wondered if someone would call the police, but I guess having a baby made it okay.  I really LOVE this place.  As we got in the Navigator to drive home I whispered to God again how much I want to sell.  And I wait. Like SO many other things in my life I wait. I still wonder if all of it isn’t of some real divine timing that will all fall into place at just the right time when I understand more than I do today.

Lots of questions still flowing through my tired mind tonight.  Soul Mate questions. Why is some days I am SO assured, and other days my reasoning mind takes over and convinces me of something totally different than what I felt the day before?  Geesshh………………..

Home felt good.  I struggle so much with being, "the good mom" thing.  For instance, Amy is supposed to come home tomorrow.  I will probably head home tomorrow night.  Not for any other reason than I think that she will need her down time and doesn’t need me hanging around. Okay, that and I am ready to go home.  She seemed to understand, but then in comes Chad’s mom asking me when I am going home because she can’t wait to come here and stay for however long they want her to.  I told her how I felt, that I wanted Amy and Chad to have some alone time together with their 2 daughters, so I'd probably head home tomorrow night.  “Don’t you remember what it felt like when you brought your kids home?”  I asked her.  “I was so tired I just wanted to be quiet.”  She said “I was just the opposite, I wanted everyone around.”  Ops!  My quiet nature and the like of being alone a lot of time came through I guess.  I looked at Amy. I’m not sure what she wants or doesn’t want, but I guess she knows me and I’m probably ready to go home.  “I’ll do whatever you want.” I told her.  “It’s okay mom, Chad and I can handle it.”  So now I am left questioning, am I letting her down or does she really want some quiet time herself?  Does it matter? It sounds as if Chad wants everyone around, so now you have two school of thoughts.  A debate I will stay out of I think.  If I lived here, in this city, it’d be different. I’d be close by and available.  But I don’t. I live 75 miles away.  I SO need some recoop time myself before I go on to the next mom thing to do…..the wedding 15 hours from here, and then going back to work right after. 

It’s such a balance I swear.  Where do I begin? Where do I end?Where are my parental duties when kids are grown?  When is too much and when is it too little?  I’m SO not domestic!  That’s the worst part of it. I’m really NOT a domestic person and to try to make myself such brings me back to where I’ve been for however long one can imagine.  I really feel as if I have grown okay being who I am and Holly Homemaker, grandma extraordinaire I fear I fail in.

LOL, as we ate dinner tonight one of the hostesses at the restaurant fell in love with Skylar and paid attention to her as we ate.  When I went to pay the check she said to me,  “I thought you were her mom, not her grandma! There is NO way I’d ever believe you to be a grandma.”  I thanked her endlessly, and said,  “Yeah, I’m now grandma to 3.”  “There is NO way I’d ever believe that!”  She told me.  I walked out of the restaurant feeling SO much better!  I’m just too young to be old.

Although, I am SO tired in this moment, I think I will cut it short.  Battles going on within me of this parental thing being raged. In the end, I think I choose to just let go.  Meaning,  I’m not going to try to be supermom or grandma just so I don’t suffer guilt if I don’t. I am doing the best I can to support my kids/grandkids and pass along a lot of love.  In the way I know to love, free and easy.  I can’t always live up to my kid’s in-law's status, but I may be doing them more service if I am just me.  Because just me fails, but also does some pretty nice things too, as is life. 

If there is anything I want to pass along to my kids/grandkids, it is faith.  Faith to know God and love Him with all of their hearts.  Faith to know that all through theit lives God will never leave them and is always there if they will just look up.  Yes, if I could pass along anything to my grandkids this would be it.  I may not have hot meals ready in life’s changes, but I will be there offering prayers, and a heart to listen.  Perhaps I’m not such a bad mom after all? 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Good night Soul Mate:  Take my hand and lead me to the promise land?  That’s how I feel tonight as I am so tired and want to just collapse.  Where is the promise land?  It’s out there!  Under a full moon, on a sea of blue somewhere?  Or is it sitting on the red rocks under a setting sun? Or is it sitting in a truck stop somewhere where we finally sit and tell one another the truth of our hearts?  Perhaps the promise land is anywhere you are and I am where we ARE with one another?!  Then we can see full moons, and sunrises, and sunsets, and snowfalls, and oceans crashing, and rainbows and blue skies and night skies and just be.  That is where the promise land is I think.  I hope one day we will be there. I hope so many things, but most of all that you know it is you.  Always you.  I send you love and light. I’m off now to fall into bed!  Dreams of you all through my head!!! LOL!  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine