Tonight finds me with just a moment of quietness as I sit on Amy’s front porch.  I hear echoes of children playing in screams of delight somewhere in her neighborhood which I find amazing as it is 10:30 at night. Tho, I suppose it is summer, a time where all rules just don’t seem to apply.  Across the street someone is checking their mail for the first time too. Once again, I find that amazing for 10:30 at night.  I’m not use to neighborhood sounds when I sit out to journal. 

Yes, I had high hopes of going home tonight after getting Amy settled in when she got home, but it didn’t happen.  “Mom, you are staying tonight aren’t you?”  She asked the second we were in her door.  “Yes honey, whatever you need I’ll do.”  Was it a moment of weakness or did she really want her mom here?  I think so.  If anything I needed to be here for Skylar. She’s the one that had such a horrible day.  She is full of emotional turmoil. I feel SO bad for her, but her life has changed and soon, it will seem normal to her.

Wow, what work!  Skylar, and my 2 dogs first thing in the morning.  Now I know why moms have to be under a certain age to have kids!  It was chaotic for me!  Luckily Skylar slept in till 9:30, which gave me plenty of time to shower and try to get Amy’s house somewhat cleaned.  But putting the dogs out on leashes, vs. my fenced-in back yard at home is work in itself. We needed to get to the hospital so I finally woke Skylar up, changed her, fed her, and built a fortress to try to confine the dogs to Amy’s kitchen, of which Pete I have discovered is an escape artist.  By the time I got Skylar and I in the car to go to the hospital at 10:15 a.m., I was fatigued! 

It was coming home day for Bree.  But I was more intent on getting to the hospital because of the tests Bree had done yesterday.  I felt I needed to be there if possible when the Doctor came in.  Unfortunately, I missed her.  Amy was shaken, I could tell.  They decided another set of tests need to be done and they are sending her to a children’s hospital in downtown city of which Chad and Amy live in the suburbs.  Amy was shaken up, Chad was positive saying they are just being cautious.  I felt half sick to my stomach but knew I had to stay positive for Amy.  “Honey, you don’t remember when Skylar was born because you were in such bad shape too, but we all remember how much she went through and the miracles we saw! We have to believe that this is true with Bree too!”  I felt a tug of emotions pull at my heart. To look at this tiny little 6# baby and wonder what is ahead for her! BUT, that was bad thinking!  She is healthy and well!!  Apparently there is some question on her spine that they are looking at.  A lot of babies are born with this we are assured, but with her club foot, they are really being cautious.  She will be casted this week to turn the foot back.  Further testing can’t be done till she is 6-weeks old, so it will happen the end of August.  A whole long time from now for our faith to grow!

All seemed well with Skylar this morning, tho I have noticed since this has all begun, she is really acting out right now.  Temper tantrums, playing in her food, spitting water, etc.  So is it an age thing, OR, is it all the newness going on around her?  Perhaps a lot of both.  She was doing okay with Bree when we first got there.  It was photo day, so they took her and her mommy and daddy to do the photos.  Skylar and I tagged along.  For the first time tho, Skylar wasn’t the center of attention.  Ahhhh………..it was kind of sad!  So I let her run around the hospital floor, me following and doing the best I could to keep up with her.  We do this thing now where I say,  “Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow, We’re off to see the Wizard!”  Yes, I am singing!  And Skylar gets all excited and tries to dance her way down the hall as they do in the Wizard of Oz.  It has kept her really entertained the past few days on our boring hospital visits.  All was well, or at least seemingly well until…………

Her daddy brought in her stroller.  It holds the car seat that Bree will use, and has been Skylar’s since she was born.  “Mine!”  She screamed!  “MINE!”  As she tried to climb in.  “No, Bree is going to use it now.”  Chad gently explained!  “MINE!”  She screams!!!  And the beginning of realizing what life is about to become is hitting her head on.  “Skylar, you’re a big girl now!  You don’t need a baby stroller!” I begin to chime in and explain!  Tears falling now,  “NO! Mine! MINE!!”  So I try to take her mind off of it! “Come on, get your doggie (new stuffed one) and let’s go downstairs. You can push the buttons on the elevator.”  That brightened her moment and off we went.

When Chad and Amy finally got dismissed, by then I had let Skylar just run off what she was feeling through the hospital.  Yes, I can barley keep up with her!  At first she was excited!  But when they put Bree in the car, Skylar’s old car seat, and Skylar didn’t get to go with her mommy who has been gone now for a few days, she fought and kicked and screamed!!!  Tears flowing, there was no stopping her. I convinced her we were going to see mommy and daddy, but it didn’t matter. She only knew the new baby went with mommy and daddy and she didn’t.  Tears formed within my own sphere of being at that moment.

Believe it or not Amy wanted Cracker Barrell, so I met them there. It was a bad lunch.  Skylar was acting out all of her frustrations and Amy felt so bad physically. Skylar screamed, played in her food, spit out her lemonade, and any other mischievous thing she could do to get attention.  Amy was SO frustrated when Skylar grabbed Amy’s soup and spilled it all over that she got up to walk away.  Skylar screamed and cried!  And I sat there tears in my own eyes as I felt so sorry for everyone in that moment. I was glad to get out of there.  Poor waitress and others in the restaurant!   

I had told Amy and Chad I’d go to the store and buy a bunch of food for them for the next week so that Amy wouldn’t have to cook.  I got Skylar excited as I said we’d go together when we were finishing up at Cracker Barrel. Again it helped for a time.  Poor Amy. Poor Skylar.  Poor Bree.  Life sometimes sucks!  Even when you’re 2 years old!

As we went to drive off, it was all I could do not to cry myself. Amy was hurting, I could tell.  Chad was doing what he could.  What could I do?  The only thing I know to do when life seems so fallen apart to me too.  “Chad, I’m going to take Skylar to a park and let her do whatever she wants for a few hours, then we are going to go get something to eat, then the grocery store and I will bring you and Amy food back.”  No, it wasn’t a home cooked meal as I had wanted to do, BUT, by now it was after 3:30 and I hadn’t even gone to the store to make anything.  As I said, I’m not domesticated in anyway, shape or form! It seemed fitting as this would give Chad and Amy time to really get some rest too.

And off Skylar and I went.  I KNEW where I had to take her!  The only place I ever really find solace!  The water.  I remembered the park on the lake I had found last week!  We called hubby and had him meet us there. By now I had a day of complete screaming myself and needed to be around water about as much as Skylar did! AND another hand with her too. I was tired. 

Here we are, just chillin' by the water.  A moment I do cherish....

She played and slid down slides as we walked on the trails by the lake and saw the geese!  I call her goose.  Silly goose, only I lose the silly part and just say goose.  Tonight, she found out what a goose was!  And she laughed and ran up and down the hills by the lake as we taught her to roll down a hill.  She was king of the hill for a time!  Then we went for hot dogs, one of her favorite foods right now.  And she colored at the table as I put her in a booster chair, NOT a high chair, and she ate crackers and hot dogs and laughed.  Our trip to the store tho didn’t fare as well.  Once again she had a screaming tizzy fit!  Her grandpa had to take her to the car as a matter of fact, something that NEVER happens!  As they left, tired and exhausted from so much turmoil of emotions I had to fight the tears myself in Wal Mart. It’s hard on Skylar, but it’s hard on us adults too when we can’t make kids understand.  It was a definite day of patience.

King of the Hill!

Elizabeth and I text messaged on and off.  She didn’t get this last house either.  This is number 3 she has made an offer on and not gotten in the end. She remains in that one room, teeny tiny studio on the highest floor possible. My heart goes out to her.

My poor dogs are all messed up too. Totally out of sync with where our summer has been where they have had me to themselves.  Being here and me being so busy I’ve had so little time with either of them.  After all the running around was done, groceries put away in Amy’s kitchen, I took them out walking.  A huge power walk for them and me. I too had some real emotions to work out.  As I walked away from Amy’s and into the neighborhood I could hear Skylar screaming bloody murder because ma maw didn’t take her.  Did that not break my heart or what?  But I couldn’t. I needed the power part of the walk as did the dogs.  I decided when I came back I’d get Skylar and we’d walk a little down her street. By the time I got back she was on to something else and had forgotten how mad at me she was.  If only we as adults could forget trespasses so easily!

Tonight I gave Skylar her bath and got her ready for bed.  Finally, a moment of peace and quiet as I sit on the porch by myself,  listening to children playing in the distance. 

Life isn’t always easy, but I made it through the day. I did tell Amy tho unfortunately I HAVE to go home tomorrow morning after I get everyone going.  It turns out I’ll be leaving Wednesday night now for Alabama.  Yet more emotional turmoil, but I don’t think I’ll think about that tonight.  One day at a time, I think it’s about all I can think about right now. The only thing is I am still a bit upset that Jason wouldn’t change the date and has forced me to leave Amy when I really don’t think she is ready for me to go so far away.  I can’t change things tho, so I have to believe God is really going to bless her and keep her world running smoothly. At least Chad’s mom will be around to help. That really helps me more than anything.  Thoughts of asking to take Skylar to Alabama have crossed my mind, the key word being “crossed.”  I don’t think she needs to be taken away from her home right now, they all need family bonding time. AND, I just want to savor my last beach visit.  It’s not the ocean, it’s the Gulf, but still it’s the beach.  Surely I will be renewed and find strength again while there?  Cause to be honest, I feel totally drained tonight.

Guess God knows how to meet our needs long before.  The thoughts of being on the beach, if only for a day or two REALLY does sound wonderful to me at the moment.  But so does going upstairs, and falling into the Arrow bed……uncomfortable as it may be, it is a place to lay my head tonight.  And really, that’s all I really want at the moment.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Has forever come and gone now?  I know I’ve asked you this before, but tonight, it just seems so far!  Like how can I still be reaching out to you all these years later?  I wrote you a small note this morning to send to your myspace, but deleted it before I sent it……sometimes I just want to really touch that which I feel. But you probably wouldn’t have responded anyway.  In so many ways I don’t understand why you won’t.  You went to tell me one time why you won’t, and I think I know why you won’t, but you also made it clear you STILL wanted me to write.  So what’s a girl to do? *wink*  Oh what am I talking about even? I’m so worn out tonight from doing what most 25 year olds do, that my mind is foggy.  Can’t get too deep in that state! J  Still, you continue to be on my mind and in my heart.  Even in all that it is I am required to do where I am in this moment………….you remain in me.  I send you love and light………….so close, so unbelievable, so real and everything else that beautiful “is.”  I still think just up beyond that bend I see……………………. J  Goodnight-Love Sunshine