Strength on the outside is found from strength on the inside.

As more and more teachers and co-workers begin to appear in the office these days, a sure sign summer is almost over in my world, I touch what I have known for so long.  Old friends, new friends, and a world of which I so appreciate and at the same time, I am so ready to leave.

Carissa, Craig, Patti, the list could go on and on.  I love each and everyone who stressed today how happy they are that I am still there, “What would I do without you to talk to?”  Carissa asks, but it is my time to move forward on a journey.  If God is asking me if I am ready now the answer is a resounding, “YES!”  I think Elizabeth even asked me this tonight too, “Are you sure you’re ready?”

I called in prayer partners today.  “Please, pray that I sell the property.”  My friend Sarah and Craig, 2 people I totally trust to pray for me.  “I will!”  They both promise.  Craig has just returned from a summer trip to India.  His sister who is traveling around the world was to be in India for the summer, he went to meet her.  His sister who is 26 years old, traveling alone all over the world with one purpose in mind, to be the voice, feet, hands, heart of Jesus.  I’m impressed.  Craig went to meet her.  I was his prayer partner.  I received updated emails from him all summer with stories of horrific things he had seen.  One that particularly got to me was his contact in a city where a man rescued children from families who were so desperate for money they would sell their children and babies, YES, BABIES, into child prostitution rings.  This man Craig assisted for a few days goes in with money and saves the children from very evil people. They return to live with him in his  orphanage. As Craig wrote of this, describing some of the beautiful children he met while at this orphanage I cried.  The world can be so very dark.  How blessed these kids are!  They usually don’t get adopted out, but this man raises them, and 2 are now even in a university over there! Snatched from a life of hell itself!  But what about the kids that don’t get “rescued?” I wondered as I realized what really goes on out in this world.  It makes me want to bury my head in the sand as it causes those questions I can’t answer.  *note to self, this is a ministry I WANT to support financially* Craig spent time serving over in India this summer, meeting and giving of his heart.  Often he and his sister found themselves working in Orphanages that Mother Teresa began.  Tho I was so covered up today, Craig shared his stories with me….a few anyway.  We will sit one day and talk, when I have time.  As he left tho, “Please Craig. I know it is time for me to go. Pray for the sale of my property.”  He promised he would.  As did Sarah.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I always have and have seen it work.

I accomplished quite a bit today, but not enough that I won’t find myself in the office tomorrow, Saturday, doing those things I can’t seem to get done during work days because of phones and interruptions.  I will want pool time tomorrow so I will work tomorrow night.  I also have to hit Sam’s Club as Mr. Boss has asked me to organize a “New Teacher Luncheon” on Wednesday.  I’m not sure why he isn’t catering it, seeing as that is THE busiest time of year for me, BUT, No! He wants me to plan and do it.  *moans*  So, tomorrow night I will shop for the food, store it in the food’s class refrigerators, and have it ready for Wednesday.  Yes, I am still being extremely loyal and giving of myself in so many ways.  I guess it’s just a work ethic I have from within.

I came home and did the no/no thing. I fell asleep. And slept for about an hour.  Elizabeth says that “jet lag” has caught up with me.  I thought I was doing well. I think she’s right.

I had a strange dream last night.  This goes back to a journal I wrote when I was in Alabama, about the possibility of a predator reading here.  Those were my fears.  Sometimes people can be really dark. I had someone I know writing some pretty dark stuff. When I look at it again today tho, I think I completely overreacted.  I tend to do that sometimes!  Yet, I remember something my friend Arlene told me she read,  “If something haunts you and doesn’t let go of you, pay attention!”  So I try to pay attention. To the good and the bad stuff.  This fell under bad.  But working through it, praying, and rationalizing it all out in wisdom, I believe I was wrong.  Scratch the word predator, tho really, what does that word mean?  I dreamt of this person last night. Tho I don’t know him and don’t know what he looks like or anything, I felt him watching. From somewhere.  I felt uneasy about it.  In the dream he began to contact me.  I was a bit unnerved by it in the dream.  He began to fax stuff to me, which was very weird because I didn’t want him to know where I lived or anything.  What really sticks out in my mind is he sent a fax and the fax came out a telephone book, a VERY think one, from the city of which I am hoping to relocate to!  I still see the book! Black and gold on the front. I could see the name of the city! It had significant meaning as it remains so very clear in my thoughts today.  What does it signify?  I’ve been asking all today without a clear interpretation.

Earlier I felt an incredible message from God, but being at work, I wasn’t able to write it out.  God will bring it back to mind when the time is right. And I felt a longing for soul mate in the moment too.  Normally, I would write it all out, but the job kept me way too busy. (I really NEED to stop working, okay!  There’s stuff that needs to get written on paper and the job is getting in the way!  *Excuse me school, do you not see I have stuff here to do?* *chuckles at the freedom of thought*) What were my feelings exactly in the moment?  Just of him.  I still vacillate to and fro when it comes to him.  Today I swayed on the side of love.  It is he here I was convinced. I felt it and knew it was true. I wanted to write out what I was feeling he was feeling or however that works!  Sometimes I don’t know if I just see things according to my own wishful thinking, or if it’s something I make up, or can I really see him?  Through space, time and distance, can I see him?  He was on my site early this morning. Very early. I saw a darkness in the room around him, not dark, because I believe a light always leads him, but dark because there wasn’t a light on in the room he was sitting.  I saw him reading my words, feeling them. To the deepest core of his being he feels them………sometimes he wants to cry because he wants to touch it so much and yet, something keeps him from doing it.  And sometimes he touches it and it makes him believe in something he gave up on believing in so long ago.  This is what I was shown this morning.  Him, in his alone moments, touching his own heart………and I am there.  I snap myself out of what I am seeing, because logic says you have fallen into a daydream created from hopeful wishes or whatever.  But as I write this all out tonight, something taking over the words, I feel as if it is the connection he and I share.  I wanted to write this all out this morning as I was being shown it, but I couldn’t.  And honestly, it wasn’t the time I could fall into a daydream either!  Just working away and suddenly, the veil of vision falls upon me, and this time, it is he.  Even in the midst of craziness, it’s almost as if milliseconds suddenly become eternal from where I see.  Like I could watch what I see for hours, and yet when I return to reality only seconds have passed.  Wow, when I think of it, can you imagine what heaven must be like and how it operates?  Do I get to see from the spiritual realm in these moments, or am I merely falling prey to vain imagination and daydreams?

Susie called me tonight.  She was in an airport in North Carolina.  She and Jason had just arrived from Jamaica.  She was letting me know they were back safely.  The famous honeymoon that was planned so they couldn’t change the date so that Amy could be there.  Yes, I have forgiven realizing we all make mistakes, yet, my heart still remains with Amy.  In the end, I don’t think it was a great time.  They said it was pretty and all, but they were disappointed in the hotel and the food.  Now it is back to living real life.  The fairy tale has ended, it’s time for real life.  For now tho, I must remain the loving witness and a child of light.  Susie has warmed up to me for whatever reason. Still. Why is it so hard for me tho sometimes to let certain people in?  What is it about her?  She tries so hard…………..perhaps it is just not knowing her or something?  Perhaps it is the history?  I will move on tho and give it all I have.

Elizabeth and I had a marathon phone conversation tonight!  How good did that feel?!  She is waiting on final details of her new house.  Once a closing date is set, she is on her way here!  YAY!!!!!!! She is going to stay with me for awhile until she can get into her new house!! *happy dance*  I am SO glad! It’s been SO long since I’ve seen her!  And we talked and we shared our deepest secrets tonight, like we use to do in the parking lot of school when we left everyday!  She has found a possible job subbing at the local schools for their secretaries!  She was unsure and asked me what I thought about it? Selfishly, I convinced her to take it!  Why selfishly?  Because when I am finally free, and have moved, I want her to be able to do things with me!  Then she is not committed to a 9:00 – 5:00 job!  I still plan to go to Kitty Hawk for a minimal 3-month stay to complete “On The Journey of Faith,” of which she says she’d be down to visit!  “So will Leo!” She says,  “And Arlene and Dovey!”  And we talk that all my friends who will be a part of the book will show up and I’ll never have free time there either!!! And we laugh!  “Besides Elizabeth!  When the book is done and I travel, you are going to go with me!  Remember?”  She gets serious, “How soon until you are finished and can get it going?”  She is seeing the vision now!  We use to joke,  she is going to be the one that tells people,  “Don’t touch Sunshine!”  ha ha!  You’d have to see her jesters with her New York accent!  But that is Elizabeth and I.  We can get crazy and out there in our talk!  So yeah, she needs a job where she is NOT committed and is free to go with me!  As I said, selfish!!!!  I miss her so much at school, but I can’t go there tonight.  Life IS moving forward for both of us……….and I sense that we will continue to do something together.

With all those light-hearted crazy thoughts of who knows what is really meant to be and what isn’t, I think I will close.  I still maintain and believe that God plants these visions within us of where it is we are going.  Sometimes others see the vision as clearly as we do, IE: Elizabeth.  Sometimes others see only what they want to see!  IE: Hubby:  A comment about Arlene being the Hollywood type tonight by him (no, not viciously), so I ask him what he thinks when he thinks of me? “You are a Midwestern girl who is farm raised.”  WHAT?!  I wanted to reach over and slap him because nothing could be further from the truth of who I am!  “You are SO wrong!” I said in a haughty tone. “I’m about as far away as I can be from that!”  But I realize, this is WHO HE is!  He is a farm-type at heart.  Nothing wrong with that at all, it just isn’t who I am….and yet, it is who he wants me to be so he tries to make me that way. I think I suddenly see why we both feel a bit like we are dying on the inside. I can’t be what he wants, and he can’t be what I want, and well………life evolves and brings changes, and well…………..life is a journey!  In the end, I only hope and pray I am and will always be that of which God has created me to be.  May it be done according to His will here on earth as it is in heaven. May I be that of which I am in heaven on earth today.  Deep thoughts to close with, and at the same time, a very special prayer.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Oh how I pray that of which I see is so true and that I do in fact warm your heart beyond words! If I only knew.  Someday I will huh?  And how do you see me?  Hmmmm……..how do I want you to see me?  A light! I want you to see me surrounded in light.  A gentle spirit, an angel of sorts.  Lots of light.  When you think of me, think of light…….because I am probably out here somewhere thinking of you and there is ALWAYS light when I do! Which BTW, is days upon end of which I do think of you, thus, light all the time! I look at the time that has passed now, and how long it is we have met here, in this place. 2 years in this journal!  A year in, “Once Upon A Time.”  Remember?  It grows no matter how far apart it is we are, and how long it’s been since we’ve seen one another or talked even!!!  And when I am in Kitty Hawk, will you come visit?  So we can walk on the beach and talk again?!  Okay, okay, I won’t push it……… but I know you want to tho! *wink*  One day it will all fall into place and we will do what it is we were always meant to do.  It will be good and incredibly touching for so many people.  And here I am, rambling on with things that make no sense, and yet words flowing from a higher place.  I can’t doubt, I have to believe.  Let it warm your heart as you grasp on with me to something that is so beautiful, special and inspiring.  I pray it is me that is in your heart, and know that if you looked into mine, you would see yourself staring back.  Pretty cool, huh?  How does that work?  Ahhhh……..it’s the mystery we have been SO blessed with on our journeys.  I still say that in a place I can feel, but not see, you are walking right beside me, hand in hand.  I like those thoughts.  I send you love and light.  Thanks for believing in those things only faith can know with me………Goodnight, All my love, Sunshine