What can be said about today?  It was truly a very slow-moving down day for me.  Down in a good way.  Not much to do.  Border line boring?  Probably.  I had some great spiritual time. I had time with the dogs. I had time to think and ponder, and I had time to listen to God speak.  I also had time to crash and watch 2 Lifetime Movies tonight.  Yes, I was weak!  I should have been writing or reading or whatever, but I succumbed to wanting to just rest for awhile.

After my short marathon of movies, I went back and re-read tons of old emails from as far back as 2003.  Guess I know why I have kept them as long as I have.  What a great way to reflect back and remember how I felt before I got to where I am today.  OMG!  Soul Mate, have you ANY idea of the journey I have walked of you?  The times I felt sure I had gone mad!  I look back and try to touch all that I felt during those early days, and I find they are simply faded memories now.  I grew so very much, to where I am today, which is a good thing.  BUT, at the time, it was so very painful.  Interestingly enough is the people I have met along the way.  Spirit Bear tells me none of this is coincidental, and in my heart I know that’s true, still, it is so hard to believe those that entered my life because of our fateful meeting back in 2001.

One of the very first people I met I will just refer to as “L.”  “L” and I met on a dream interpretation board. She was gifted in dreams and visions.  We grew to become fast friends.  The first real strong Christian I found who completely knew what I was going through. She was also the first Christian I met that strongly believed in reincarnation and had her own memories.  She was going through something similar herself at the time having just recently back then met her own twinsoul.  Here’s the thing about L; she was amazingly accurate in her predictions of visions she saw pertaining to me. Visions she even had before we met.  Sometimes tho she’d get really frustrated and mad at me for following what she considered “spiritual immature” acts.  She probably had a right to be honest, but geesh!  Children don’t learn to study Physics when they begin.  No, they get the 1+1=2 and 2+2=4.  When they miss the correct answer, they learn until eventually they are ready for Calculus and Physics and those tough subjects.  “L” had some very “out-there” spiritual beliefs about who she was and who I was.  “Very advanced with HIGH callings!”  She would tell me.  She was the one that within days of beginning to write one another confessed to me that God told her months before we met that soon she would meet someone that was going to be a famous author.  “Sunshine, God revealed to me you are that person.”  “What?”  At the time I didn’t write or anything!  Just my private journals, but that was simple and easy to me.  She also one time got really mad at me about something, and told me that she saw in a vision “soul mate” was about to walk away from me.  “He will turn away, head down, and walk away from you.  He himself won’t even know why he is doing it…….he will wonder, as if he can’t control it.”  I remember thinking she was just being mean because she was mad at me!  We stopped communicating for awhile shortly after that.  I wanted to ignore her! I questioned it! I mean how could he walk away from me?!  I wasn’t even going to see him?  That was in September of 2004.  In November, 2004 I did in fact see him, and yes, he did in fact walk away from me, and it happened exactly how she had said it would.  I wrote and told her.  She wasn’t happy about the fact she was right, as she knew how sad I was.  However, she did tell me one day he’d be back.  We would find one another again, and this time it would be him “bumping” into me.  I re-read this email tonight. She was certain that one day would come and he and I would be together.  As I read it, I sighed and thought, sometimes “one day” takes forever to come.

Earlier in the summer of 2004, I had given her my friend Will’s name.  He was pretty much out there in some spiritual beliefs of which I couldn’t talk to him about and I thought my friend “L” could.  They exchanged emails for awhile that summer. But it only lasted a few days, as she said he was too far out there and he said she was too far out there.  Yet, they both respected one another. Christmas Eve that year, 2004, I got an email from “L.”  “Would you PLEASE tell Will to stop coming to me!  He is trying to get into my silver cord of life and God has clamped it shut!  Tell him he is not welcomed and to move on.”  I was dumbfounded!  Why?  I hadn’t talked to “L.” since the middle of November.  Will had committed suicide late November.  She had no way of knowing.  When I told her, she didn’t freak out as I would have!  “That makes sense then!”  She said.  Apparently he had tried to inhabit her space, and God clamped it shut.  He told her he had made some very bad choices and had to come back and start again.  He didn’t want to.  This is very far out there for me, all of this I will admit. I don’t know what to believe, I only know that she had NO WAY of knowing he had passed.  I will file it under the “Can’t be explained” file and trust God that everything is SO much bigger than my “just me” simple mind can comprehend. 

“L” and I seldom if ever emailed after that.  Every now and then I’d write her if something big happened in my story.   We always sent emails on each other’s birthdays.  This year on my birthday in March she sent me the normal happy birthday, but also said we couldn’t continue to be in contact anymore. “All these years and you just didn’t get it.”  I really didn’t know what I had done? It hurt my feelings and I felt so bad. But I honor her request and won’t contact her.  I try to tell myself people come into our lives for seasons.  She had some very incredible insights for my life to come.  I was reminded how insightful she was as I read her emails tonight.  No, she wasn’t a psychic and never claimed to be. She simply had a gift of visions and saw things as God deemed.  I have always said that a true prophet is one that is 100% accurate.  Meaning, they don’t second guess themselves.  She was pretty right on about all things.  Not that is why I adored her friendship.  I adored her friendship because she understood my visions and helped me clarify so many things.  I have grown so much since those days. I am sad that she will not know me when I’m not so confused.  But life goes on.  And the part about the famous author?  Well, I never even knew I could write till long after that. I remember laughing about it!  I just couldn’t see me in that role.  As I said, I am sad she won’t know the more mature, not so confused child I have become.

It is good to review our lives I think.  I am really kind of mesmerized at the moment in remembering where I have been and how this journey has progressed.

But mostly today, I have grown tired of all the disappointing theories out there amongst the “twin souls” crowd.  For a long time I read to more understand my own thoughts, amazed at how others experienced what I had.  But I find it so tiring now.  People are looking in all the wrong places for their answers and I personally find it tainted. I have vowed to stay away for a long time from it all.  Yes, I do believe in a theory of twin souls, but I still maintain it is more about our own hearts than reuniting.  I believe it is more about the spiritual aspects of finding one another and a journey back to the light.  The answers are buried in our own hearts.  That is where the truth is. I don’t believe we need to go to psychics to find the answers, and mostly I DO NOT believe we are to summon and channel entities to explain that of which is so gently written in our hearts.  Yeah, “L” would share with me visions she had of me, but I never sought it out.  God would simply show her something to pass along to me………she would then email it.  She never sought it, it just happened or so is my understanding.  But then, I am disillusioned tonight with the craziness this whole journey can take too. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I know this.  I guess we do so in desperation for answers.  Thing is, I have finally learned that the answer is buried deep within me.  It’s just that sometimes,  I have to dig really deep to find those answers and when they can’t be found God caringly tells me that life is lived in the mystery.

Now that I have sworn off seeking out and reading others stories on message boards for awhile, I will have a lot more time to focus where I should have always been focusing anyway.  On God’s plan laid out before me.

A crazy week coming up in my world, but I truly do feel such an incredible supernatural strength at the moment.  I suddenly don’t dread going in there because I feel as if this is a last stand type thing.  I will give it all I got, trusting I am still there for a reason, and knowing, soon, so very soon, according to God’s timetable, which doesn’t even really exist, I will be on my way to where it is I am going.

I know tonight I am way out there, but I have so many thoughts going through my head right now.  Peaceful thoughts, because that is what I find when I seek answers, but at the same time, I feel so very humble about where I stand today.  I think God is molding me into someone I can finally love and respect.  But boy oh boy, how many years it has been since I have felt good and realized that all the pain along the way was simply purifying me?  Like the Potter explained yesterday.  It takes a couple firings to purify a piece that will be polished and shined to perfection.  I close submitted to the love of God and a grateful heart for the journey He has allowed me to walk thus far.  And there is SO much more up ahead…………

Wherever you are “L”, I do miss you.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  There is SO much I just wish I could tell you!  I don’t know what all is truly to be or not be, I only know that over and over I hear it is meant to be.  For a very high purpose.  I stand humble on that thought, because I really am the most simple person in the world. I have a huge heart and I love…………everyone, even those who persecute me, and yes, I do get persecuted sometimes.  It all seems so out there to me still, but I do know this, I cannot forget about you.  You are always so close to me. Is it in my heart or my soul?  It would have been so easy all these years to say, “Just screw it!  The man doesn’t care!!  His loss!”  But I can’t.  It’s about so much more than pride and understanding.  I learned with you that love doesn’t demand it’s own way and it is long-suffering and very patient. Love is gentle and believes even when there is nothing to believe in.  All I’ve ever wanted for you is to know that you are surrounded in love and light……..and to experience the peace that comes from God.  And to know that in this great big world, you were blessed to find me.  The one God knew would hold you so unselfishly in her heart through the years. Oh, I have so many crosses to bare in my own life, one of which keeps you away from me, but it never changed the fact that my heart is so pure of wanting you to believe in a beautiful tomorrow.  A promise that once was made……….of which you probably have no memory, but I was given the memory back……what is up and what is down and what is real and what isn’t seems to not really matter when you are truly walking in love and light. I’d risk all to fulfill that which I was shown.  One day, I hope we will walk on a beach and I will tell you of the promise. And I think you will cry.  I did.  And there I go……….allowing myself to touch that place where words flow of a truth not seen but so known all the same.  And if I’m wrong, I did it all with the most love possible.  I send you that love and light now.  What a journey it has been.  I’m so glad you’re hand is near.  Goodnight,  Love Sunshine

 And I will continue to follow the light, wherever it may lead........