I sit tonight on my deck. It’s almost 10:00 and the heat out here is stifling.  I can’t imagine what the temperatures are, but it feels like you have the heat up too high in the middle of winter and you want to go turn down the thermostat.  So why do I sit outside?  I just feel a need to be in the midst of crickets and summer sounds.  However, I feel I may go in soon as the mosquitoes appear to have not lost their appetite in all this heat.

My energy is spent tonight.  My day began at 5:30. I was in work at 7:00. I didn’t leave till almost 5:00. It was non-stop throughout the day with the exception of when I quickly ran to town to get lunch for everyone.  That was a 10-minute drive of sitting. I ate lunch in a 2-hour period, grabbing a bite in between helping and assisting parents, students, teachers………….

When I got home I so wanted to head to the pool and do a work out, but to be honest, I just didn’t have the energy.  The spirit was willing, but the flesh oh so weak.  I wasn’t hungry, tho I did manage to get down a roast beef sandwich and some cucumbers.  I even had my pajamas on by 7:30 and collapsed in from of TV to go brain dead for awhile.  Of course, Lifetime!  Earlier, I went and sat on my swing and fell asleep.  Sitting up, heat all around me, it didn’t seem to matter.  I dozed on my porch swing. 

It was an interesting day regardless of the craziness of it.  Have I ever noticed the things we can learn or the direction God leads us in life when we pay attention?  I’ve recently become so much more aware of this.  Everyone that touches our lives on a daily basis in some sort of way teaches us something.  How come it took me this many years to understand that of which I seemed to have always missed?

Yes, here comes a story!  J

Rhea.  Tho tonight, Rhea’s name is going to be changed to that of which it is and what she told me today she wants to be referred as.  Rhea was a name I gave her many years ago when I would write of her story.  Rhea will now become Carolyn, real name, used with permission.  I’ve known Carolyn for a lot of years.  She has lived a twin soul story since before I ever even knew the term or had a CLUE what it was all about!  I walked through it with her and remember not ever knowing ANYONE who was as in love as she was.  And then it happened.  It all fell apart.  She had a beautiful year with her twin soul, whom I will just refer to as Barney.  Barney had divorced his wife a few years earlier and as Carolyn once told me, beams of light were exchanged between them.  She knew something had hit her.  They were so incredibly happy.  Then one day, Carolyn had to go out of the country on business.  She was gone for about 2 weeks.  In that two weeks, unbeknownst to her, Barney got back with his wife, and REMARRIED her! All in 2 weeks!  When Carolyn returned, some friends were having a shower for Barney to celebrate his sudden wedding.  I was there.  Carolyn still had no clue.  She walked in to the office where the celebration was being held.  “Would you like a piece of cake?”  Another mutual friend offered, “In honor of Barney!  This is a shower for him!”  Unfortunately, the mutual friend had NO idea of the relationship Carolyn and Barney shared.  At the time I had suspected, but never asked.  I will never forget Carolyn’s face that day. Still hung over from jet lag, she was trying to connect the dots in that moment.  “What?”  She asked.  The mutual friend then told her the words that stopped Carolyn’s heart and soul,  “Didn’t you hear?  Barney got re-married last Saturday to his wife.”  Why can’t I remember Carolyn in that moment?  Did I too feel time stop?  I remember running after her.  And while I didn’t know for sure how involved they were, I had noticed such a light when they were together.  I ran after my friend.  She was devastated. Beyond devastated!!  I tried to listen. Over the next few months we grew closer than we had ever been.  And I would listen.  I tried to understand, but I will admit right here and now, I just didn’t get it.  I wondered if it was obsession or something, except I knew my friend!  She was such an intelligent woman and such a woman of independent means!  No way would she EVER lose it over something so trivial as obsession. I just wanted so much to understand.

That was a few years before my own twin soul walked into my life.  Isn’t it amazing how life prepares us for things when you reflect back over the years?  I guess I could have never understood until it happened to me!

Carolyn couldn’t stay away.  Neither could Barney.  I’ve always said I am so lucky my twin is over 1000 miles away because I honestly don’t believe I could or would stay away either.  It is too intense!  I believe they both felt this!  And time went on and Carolyn did the best she could to somehow balance it all.  Yet, at her deepest heart’s level, she didn’t want him until he would break free to be with her.  She wanted all, not to be a secret on the side.  I believe Barney loved her, with all his heart I know this to be true, BUT, something kept him with the ex-wife.  I’ve often wondered why he re-married her in a 2-week period? I’ve also wondered why he would tell Carolyn the things he did of undying love, etc.  But I remember, things are not always as they seem.

When I met soul mate, I went to Carolyn and said,  “Something happened!”  And I told her the story.  Of his eyes, of the light shining down from heaven, of this feeling I had always known him!  Of the weirdness of the visions before hand.  Who else would I go to?  I remember she said that she HAD to talk to me!  This was in March, 2001.  Her story had now been lived about 6 years, my story a month.  We went to dinner. Her words still are as clear as a bell,  “You be SO very careful!”  She began,  “Do you realize this is the stuff that makes you want to die over?”  She said.  I listened to her, and the intensity of what I felt was SO very deep, I suddenly understood what she was saying.  It had only been a month, but in my inner core I knew I had experienced “something” that would NEVER, EVER, leave me.  From there we grew together, Carolyn and I. And while she didn’t have a formal name of what had happened to her, soon I would be able to help her with this as I became to understand over the years there was a phenomenon going out there that we both had experienced, and the intensity was the same for both of us! On a level that can’t be explained.  As a matter of fact, it was Carolyn that convinced me finally after 14 months I must go to his show.  The most beautiful night he and I ever shared was that night.

Fast forward a few years to 2003.  Her story still a revolving door.  Promises that when this happened, he would leave, when it didn’t happen, she would write him off, do what she could to ignore him, but they could never stay away from one another. One day, she was coming home from the store.  A truck driving reckless T-boned her.  Carolyn almost died.  She was in a coma for a few days.  None of us knew whether she’d make it or not.  And here was Barney.  He tried to go see her, but his wife knew of the story and guarded him within an inch of his life.  Sure, she knew about Carolyn! That of which we keep secret probably isn’t at all secret.  We’re spiritual beings,  that of which we think we hide, we really don’t.

Through a lot of rehab, pain, and suffering, Carolyn eventually did work her way back to health.  She suffered a lot of head wounds.  It was about this time our friendship seemed to wane.  I missed her for a very long time.  Last year, she suddenly came back to watching me grow.  I would share with her what I have learned from my journey.  It was then she begin to tell me how she had finally discovered the strength and courage to let Barney go.  An old family friend re-entered her life a couple years ago.  Someone she had a huge crush on when she was a child.  He called her out of the blue and they began to date.  He now lives with her and she is SO appreciative of the beautiful person he is.  We updated our stories today as best we could.  She can’t believe how much I have grown!  I am so thrilled that she has peace in her life!  And we talked.  “Carolyn, do you ever feel him?”  Meaning Barney.  A feeling that unless you have come face to face with your twin soul I don’t think you can understand.  “Yes.”  She said.  “He tried to come to me this summer a lot.  But I pushed him away.”  This really got my attention because Carolyn never did the research on twin souls.  She’d never heard the term till I began to explain the concept.  It made me feel as if it had to be real all that I have felt as we talked today.  “Sunshine, I will ALWAYS love him!”  She went on.  But life has to go on and I have such a beautiful man in my life now.  For the first time in 15 years, I didn’t wait and hurt for him over the summer.  I was free.  Free to love him and what it is we are in another place, but for here and now, I am free from the pain.  It took 15 years!!  I told her of my plans to go to Kitty Hawk and write as soon as my property sells.  She once again commented about how much I have grown and the strength she now sees in me.  As she is leaving, I realize something.  Of all my friends, Carolyn I think is the most like soul mate. I believe they are very much alike in thought.  And yes, they are just a few years apart in age.

And in the craziness of the day, I realized how much Carolyn and I shared a part of this journey.  It reminds me that people in our lives are really placed there divinely!

And the day flowed on….and on.  A call from my friend Carol, who remains my mentor and an important influence on me made my day.  She is such an angel in my life.  I hung up once again realizing how beautiful it is to look and see how people are strategically placed in our lives at just the right moment.

Later this afternoon in comes Tony.  Tony was a student at the school a few years after I started.  I’m guessing it was 17 years ago when he was student.  He came in today with his son who will be a freshman this year.  I said, “No!”  He said, “Yes!!”  “Tony, you know what this makes me don’t you?”  He said, “No, what?”  “OLD!”  I said laughing! I mean when kids that were there when I worked there now have kids coming through, well, it sure makes me realize how much time has flown by!  We began to talk. A few years ago he had a step-son at school.  Yeah, I felt old then too, but it was a step-son, okay!  This is the SON!  Tony always told his kids you go to Sunshine if you have a problem. That day his step-son forgot money for something.  Tony asked me if I’d lend it to him and he’d pay me back.  I did and he did.  That day I was joking with the kid to make him more comfortable.  “Oh yeah! I for sure know your step dad!”  “How?”  He asked.  Embarrassed at the fact I would seem ancient if I was working there when his step-dad was a student, I said flippantly, “Oh, I’m not going to tell you!”  The kid said,  “Did you use to date my dad?”  “NO! NO!!”  Then I had to confess the truth!  What a compliment tho I thought at the time!  We were laughing about it today, with Tony’s real son standing there thinking we were crazy.  In comes Tony’s fiancée.  Soon to be wife #4.  As they were leaving I joked with Tony and his son,  “No, I did NOT date your dad!”  Tony laughed, but fiancée DID NOT!  OMG!! The look she shot Tony!! So laughingly, in a nervous fashion I might add, we began to explain it to her.  When she heard my age, she didn’t believe it!  When she heard I had 3 grandkids she didn’t believe it!!  “It’s true!”  I assured her!  In my mind I laughed thinking I have no intentions to be wife #5!!!!  I think we got her calmed down.  Insecurity can be dark you know.  As Tony walked out he looked at her, “Look at her!” He said as he pointed to me.  “Can you imagine how many of us had a crush on her when we were in high school?”  She sort of chuckled, shooting me yet another look, “What?!”  I said to Tony!  “Oh yeah!” He said!  “Well how come no one ever told me?”  “That was the point Sunshine!”  I felt humbled and okay, I will admit, special.  Funny how words can really make you feel good about yourself. Something I battle all the time!  Tho lately, God is teaching me to love  “me” more.

I walked out of school exhausted but realizing how many people I have crossed paths with over the years.  Still, I am so very ready to move on and begin crossing paths with those yet to be crossed with.

Now, I will head to bed.  I’m on a journey here!  Yes, I am still “stuck” at school. In my comfort zone of 20 years now.  But it seems to me God has me stopping and turning around to look at that of which lies behind me now.  And soon, so very soon I do believe He will whisper to me,  “Now my child,  turn and walk this way.  The time has come for the road laid before you to be walked.”  I know it’s coming. I am excited and wait in great anticipation, and at the same time, I am finally enjoying these final moments of looking behind me to see where it is I have been.  Isn’t life beautiful when you finally see it for what it is?  A journey.  Just a journey in a foreign land.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Okay, okay, I’m missing you!  If Elizabeth was in town she’d say, “He’s working.”  And I’d know she was right.  Now, she is gone.  Yet, I can still hear her say it.  And I am stronger.  I don’t feel overly sad because I know in my heart, you’ll be back.  Still, it’s lonely out here, okay?  *laughs*  The numbers just aren’t the same because I always look for that number that is you!  And if this goes on through Friday, I will become desperate!!!  *she jokes*  No, I won’t. I have such a sense of peace these days about you.  How long it took tho.  What a growing process it has been.  One day I so hope you will meet those people that kept me sane all these years.  The list is long, but Carolyn would be one!  Snow White (whom you did know at one time), Elizabeth, whom you know, “L”, she always said one day you would meet, Sydney, Jane, Vicki, Messenger Mike, Linn, Dave,  Zach, Lise, Leo, Dovey, Spirit Bear, and well, the list could go on!!  Isn’t it amazing the souls put into our lives to help us along the way?  And they all have their own stories of which I think I am a light to help them as well.  And you are a light to help them because you are such a part of the story too!  It is all so beautifully orchestrated!!  I just know that for now, the journey is so beautiful because I finally have come to realize all that you have brought to my life.  I think it began when one day I knew I could have no expectations.  It was then I began to understand how awesome it is.  Love is free.  And in the freedom life and mystery happen.  And all is well, no matter where you are!  I send you love and light.  Wishing you so much somewhere out there.  Goodnight, Sunshine