8:43 a.m.

It’s early Sunday morning. I have only a few moments here to write out all that I am feeling as I need to leave in a few minutes to go get Pete and Lilly who spent the night at camp. (Doggie hotel, okay kennel.)

Funny how plans can change in millimeters of a second.  Originally we had made plans to camp in the town Chad’s parents live, which is 3 hours from here. A huge lake being the draw for me, and his brother’s wedding reception last night.  But hubby lost the key to the Lincoln which is the vehicle we pull the camper/trailer with.  Being 3 hours away and the reception not beginning until 5:00, I knew it’d be a late night.  “We will just get a hotel room and stay down there.” Sometimes hubby doesn’t listen. Apparently when I discussed this, it was one of those times.  I made arrangements for the dogs and dropped them off.  When it came time to leave late yesterday afternoon, “he”, hubby was in one of his moods.  “I don’t know about you, but I am coming home!”  In other words, he wasn’t packing an overnight bag, no questions asked, we were coming home.  Hubby is like this.  Not one to go with the flow in the moment.  Rather than argue, as I know what a crazy week is coming up for me at school, I changed my own plans wondering why the dogs were at the kennel.

The reception was nice.  It was a nice time. It always is.  Chad’s parents I think have become friends to us and are always beyond welcoming.  Last night was no different.  They almost insisted we simply stay with them and not drive home.  The offer was warm and sincere.  However at this point, I really wanted to come home myself.  I remembered what this week is going to be like at school, and Elizabeth is coming in today.  Home suddenly sounded good to me.

I had to fight tears the whole evening.  This is when it becomes a pity-party for myself.  And try as I may to be a person of faith, I still believe there are years and years of some very painful stuff that hasn’t yet been exposed.  Still buried underneath the surface that I guess has to be exposed so that it can be healed.

I have great kids.  Honestly, I do.  None of them are trouble makers, they are wonderful examples of good society members.  They all do the best they can.  But, sometimes, I get really hurt.  And this underlying hurt that has been with me all my life seems to continue as the years go on.  Let me explain from the beginning.

Growing up I had one brother.  For whatever reason my brother as a kid was very aloof and the alone type.  My mom always tried to explain it to me that when I was born, about 6 months later, my brother, Mark, fell prey to Juvenile Diabetes and went into a coma.  He spent weeks and weeks in a hospital.  He was 2.  I guess diabetes can alter your personality, especially when you are a child.  A new baby at home, me, my mom always believed somehow on some level my brother blamed me. Like the new baby had come home, and he was sent away or something.  As we grew, my brother often had very little to do with me, although teenage years we did grow a bit closer.  I always felt so alone.  My mom had no brothers or sisters, no cousins, except a few miles and miles away I never really knew.  My dad had one sister, who we would see at my grandparents from time to time, but she wasn’t really a family person per say either. 

Well, perhaps she was, but she too had tragedy.  My cousin, Cathy, who was one year younger than me was killed when she got into her parents car, parked in the driveway which was a slope, knocked it into gear, it backed up, hit the curb across the street, throwing her out of the car and landing on her.  She didn’t even make it to the hospital.  She was 3.  I was 4.  I’m sure that is enough to mess anyone up, as I can’t imagine ever living with that.  And once again, I feel as if I have always been the reminder of Cathy to my aunt. As the years went on, I always felt as if my aunt really didn’t care much for me.  When I reflect on it, I think it’s because I am the reminder, as Cathy and I were so close in age.  When my dad died a few years ago, there has been no contact with her unless I made contact.  She did come to the baby shower for Skylar, but that is about it.  It’s now been over a year since I’ve seen or heard from my aunt.  I did send a Christmas card, but never heard from her.  Once again, no family to speak of.

Last night as I am at the reception I find myself so incredibly envious.  The reception hall is filled with people.  Lots of kids.  And even tho Chad’s mom’s mom has nothing to do with her, another very sad story, she has brothers and a sister that have kids, who have kids.  It’s a large group of family.  Skylar has learned from all of her cousins so many things I could never teach her.  I had to fight tears as I watched.  No one did anything! It is once again that family thing that I am to remain without.

Chad’s family has 3 kids, as do we.  With the exception of Chad, his brother and sister live in the same town his parents do.  I couldn’t tell you the number of times they have been at Chad’s parent’s house on the weekend.  I can tell you this year, and this is the middle of August, my kids have been at my house about 4 times.  There is always an excuse to go to Chad’s parent’s house which I am beginning to understand.  When he goes home, he gets to see everybody.  There’s always a crowd and something going on.  To come here, there is nothing to do.  No one to see.  Hubby, boring……off with his tractors, and probably me, boring as I choose to write so much of the time.  Joel lives 12 hours away.  When he comes here, it is an unwritten rule of some sort that they pretty much stay with Amy, it is closer to Emma’s parents too. I understand.  Tho they will find a way to be here at least one day. I appreciate that.  Jason on the other hand, well, he no longer seems to come around at all.  Work being his excuse.  Funny, even tho I bent all of my principals, and did what I could to be at his wedding a few weeks ago, it has now been 2 weeks and I haven’t heard from him, other than when Susie called to say they had arrived back in the states from their honeymoon in Jamaica.

When I left the reception last night, even tho I did have a nice time, I had a feeling of wanting to cry, I could fight the tears no longer.  I welcomed the 3-hour drive home, even at 11:00 at night.  Hubby drank so much beer, he wasn’t good for anything.  Funny, he was the one insisting on coming home, I was the one that would pay the price and have to drive to the wee hours of the morning while he passed out.  He’d wake up every so often to make sure I was okay.  “Yeah, I’m fine.”  Then he’d drift off to sleep.

I cried all the way home.  I just don’t get it.  My whole life has been spent with this feeling of loneliness as I so wished I had a big family of brothers and sisters.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  Even with 3 kids.  They all grew up and moved away.  I can go see them anytime and I will be more than welcomed, but if I don’t, I seldom would see them.  Exception to the rule being that Amy has always made sure I got to see Skylar.  She always had us take her on the weekends.  So yes, Skylar has been at my house every weekend for a very long time.  Yet, when I watch her in Chad’s family’s environment, I can see where it is she would choose to go if she had her voice.  And I cry over that.  Why not?  There are tons of children around for her!  She comes here, she is alone, with the exception of Pete and Lilly.  Oh we try to keep her entertained. She swims in my pool, we take her 4-wheeling and on field trips as I have come to call them, but it is a quiet, lonely environment here.  I guess the good side of that is until now, I have gotten Skylar just about anything she has wanted.  That however has to change since the arrival of Drew and Bree.  My prayer is that Skylar never has to experience the rejection and isolation I have always felt in family environments. 

I cried all the way home and wondered why it is like it is?  Was I meant to be this way so that late in life I could become what was meant to be from the beginning?  If God so calls me away, I have no holds here?  That’s what I thought as I drove home.  Kitty Hawk sounds so good to me, then I have an excuse my kids seldom come visit me.  What a pity-party, huh?

Now add that on top of the sudden disappearance of soul mate.  That too haunted me all the way home.  I had to come to terms with that on the 3-hour drive home as well.  And I did.  But for now, I have to close, I need to go get the dogs.  I have between 9:00 and 10:00 to get them. It’s 9:17 a.m. so I will close.

10:55 a.m.

I have returned from picking up the dogs now.  A fight ensued with hubby.  One of those major blow outs leaving us both wondering why it is we are still together.  Like the proverbial straw, something he said/did on the way to get our dogs pushed me over the edge. Oh, not that anyone can cause another to go over the edge, because I believe it is me that allows that, but all the same, in the emotional state I am at the moment, it didn’t take much to allow myself that place.

He still thinks I see things wrong.  Perhaps he is right. I agree with this, I don’t want my kids to come around out of some sort of guilt.  I guess I want to feel like they want to be here because they want to be, and they don’t.  Does that make sense?

So this fight with hubby ends in this,  “I am so tired of living to make kids happy.  If we move to where they are, then the chances are better they will be around a bit more.  If we don’t, then we will always drive the however many miles to spend time with them. It’s not that way with Chad tho.  Just about every weekend they find a reason they have to be there.”  Hubby agreed, but it is the way it is.  True. “And I won’t even discuss Jason!” I say as I think he has been at my house two times this year.  Once for his dad’s birthday, then a family dinner I had for hubby’s family before his mom went back to Colorado.  Do any of our kids ever say,  “Hey, you guys are trying to get the place ready to sell, can we help?”  Nope.  “Just move when you can.”  And I only hear that from Amy.  But I won’t complain I have decided now.  They do love me, I never question that.  I think it’s more how my whole life has been this isolation from those that do love me.  Why?

Now I will approach thoughts of the one I claim to be my twin soul.  Let’s get real.  I suspected he was the one here everyday. I built some sort of meaning upon this.  Then one day, he just disappears.  Yeah, it’s only been a week and all, but for him, for 2 years, never has it been this long.  All week it’s haunted me.  Not the fact I believe one day he will suddenly be back, but the meaning of which I have attached to these pseudo hits, it has to mean he cares.  On my three-hour drive home last night it was time to face some reality.

It’s true.  I had visions of him 5 years before we met.  I suppose most don’t understand this, I only know how real it was that was shown me at the time, and how odd it was that one day he did actually show up into my life.  The morning we met I was told about as clearly as possible by the spirit,  “Someone from the band is going to fall in love with you, and you are going to fall in love with him.”  That too happened.  Then I met him.  It was the most intense real feeling I’ve ever known!  I could have cared less he was a musician.  I was naïve enough to not understand the complexity of what that itself means.  I would soon learn.  Funny, I always thought love was enough.  Perhaps it was because love always kept me isolated from family members that it was easy to continue believing in him, even when he couldn’t respond.

There were three magical moments with him.  When I was with him, it was so intense I never could see the forest for the trees.  I only knew the wholeness I felt when he was near.  The last time we met, he was so angry, but it didn’t matter to me, it felt at some deep level that he had stuff he was lashing out at me about that had to be completed.  I was patient and took it…..in the end, he softened and this feeling of completeness he and I shared shone through as he walked away from me, but not before he held my hands in his, and looked into my eyes and my soul as he always has when we part.

I continued to love him anyway.  We lost contact for about 6 months back then as my life took another horrendous change and my dad died.  Eventually I wrote him and told him I never stopped believing, he could find me here, in my journal. Within a few weeks, the pseudo hit that had come in an earlier journal I had resumed.  I was sure it was he.  He seldom if ever missed a day. He and I would continue to find one another through space and time.  I still believe it’s been him all this time, but now, it appears he is gone.  No expectations.  Ever! It’s just that this is a part of this healing I am having to deal with once again. Those I love do it from the distance.  I don’t understand, but somehow I believe with all my heart, I must trust it.

So now, I let go.  Something through the years I have learned with him.  How to hold on, how to let go.  Holding on is easy, letting go is not.

I sit this morning tears falling intermittently as I feel sorry for myself, and yet at the same time knowing that I HAVE to face these demons in order to grow more than I ever have.  It’s such a painful process.

I cried myself to sleep after the long drive.  Paul McCartney showed up in my dream tho.  What is up with this I ask myself this morning?  The past 3 or 4 months, Paul is so close to me.  Last night’s dream he showed up again, guitar in hand, he was here to help me he told me.  I had a job to complete and he was here to make the music to help me do what had to be done.  He hugged me.  Such a gentle hug, it was as if I had found real love.  Like a quiet someone who loves me and will be here when I need it the most.  I still can’t help but feel Paul represents soul mate………..but I feel abandoned by him this morning. SO who is Paul?  Who is my soul mate?  Whoever he is I wish he’d find his way to me……………I feel so lonely.  I cry as I think of the feeling I had when Paul hugged me.  Will I ever find this again?  Yes, I found it once.  With “him.”  The one I really thought was Paul.

As I think of it, my real soul mate/twin soul, one that is meant to find me must be a man of music?  I wouldn’t have chosen this trade probably, but I don’t think we choose. I think it is long set before we ever arrive here.  Why was I shown it to be the one that I was shown 5 years before we met?  Why do I continually hear from heaven it is him?  Why do I feel him so much and yet, all outward signs say no!  Outward signs say, what I hear constantly and what human understanding rationalization screams!  “HE DOESN’T CARE!”  But Paul in my dream, yes, it is Paul McCartney in my dream, is gentle and kind and not afraid of me.

I suppose some dream experts would tell me that Paul in my dream is “me”, my higher self, loving me.  I guess that could be Freudian truth, but I don’t think so.  I think Paul McCartney in my dream is my other half.  My twin soul.  I remember the dream I had about 4 months ago, when I was told Paul McCartney was my twin soul.  Hmmm……Funny how that one dream would begin a string of dreams of which he continually appears and teaches me so much, not to mention makes me feel so loved. As if he appears to lead me.  In all the tears this morning I chuckle at this because I am thinking, OMG!  What if some incredible hand of fate moves and I meet Paul McCartney?  I suppose anything is possible in this huge world that in the end is actually very small.  But I don’t think that will happen. I believe Linda was Paul’s twin soul, but then when it comes to spiritual matters, who knows what is what?  No, at the deepest part of me, sad as this sounds, I know that Paul simply represents soul mate.  The one I’ve been shown all these years.  Still, what if????????  *Okay!  Bring Paul to me from England or wherever he is these days!*  *laughs*  I only know that lately, Paul is bringing me so much comfort and love in my dream world.  Whoever Paul represents in my dream, it is the one meant to help me achieve my destiny and purpose.

I think I will post this now. The tears still fall, on and off, tho for the moment, thoughts of Paul McCartney showing up in my world make me chuckle and laugh.  I suppose life is strange enough that somehow these words could make their way to Paul and he’d be intrigued enough to want to know me?  Ha!!!!  I SO believe in the unbelievable!  I only know that one day, I was shown a man from a band that shall remain nameless for his privacy, and one day, he did in fact appear in my world.  Coming to my work place.  Why do I know at a deep level he is the one?  My Paul?  Why do I know at a deep level that he does love me very much, but he cannot let in that of which he cares about?  *more tears*

And my kids.  They too love me, but they remain distant for the most part as well.  And there is the one who claims to love me and stands by me no matter what.  Hubby.  But that love is about as isolating as the love of those that remain distant or far away.  A brotherly love I guess.  So little in common, and yet a trust that real friendship is always close by.

Perhaps in the end I’ve not learned quite what love is and isn’t.  I think I still have so much more growing to do.  Paul will show up one day. I know this with all my heart.  And I will know without a doubt who Paul is.  I think I already do.  I just have to wait until it all falls into place, and he can come, open up his guitar case and say, “Finally, I am here to help you.”  Funny, that makes sense to me and brings me so much peace on a level I see, but can’t quite touch or explain.

I’m off now to do those things that life consists of, laundry, cleaning for Elizabeth to come, and then, floating in my pool for a few hours.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Sunshine

Soul Mate:  Always.  Love, Sunshine

 When I look in the water, may my reflection be, that of below, from up above, I see.