I awakened this morning to feelings of wonder.  A dream I had through the night strongly on my mind making me wonder if I wasn’t having some sort of pre-cognitive dream of my future departure of this world.  I dreamt I was in the midst of helping a lot of people.  I was touching those that were in the darkness with light and it wasn’t well received from those that control and live within the realm of dark.  They were out to get me, and I was going to be shot. I remember being in a house of sorts and knowing when I came out that would happen.  Interestingly enough, I had no fear. I looked up towards heaven and knew it was time to go.  When I woke up, it felt so real.  A glimpse into the tomorrows I wondered?  Or was it a glimpse into the past?  Or does time even really exist as I know it?  It was deep and telling giving me more resolve to follow that of which I know to be a truth that can’t be denied within my heart.  God’s love. 

I don’t know if I am totally just exhausted right now, if the whole thing of selling the property is getting to me, or if I am growing weary of waiting to go forward, but I feel as if I am an emotional wreck.  I forgive my kids so many things, time and again.  It is now almost 3 weeks since the wedding and Jason hasn’t so much even thought of calling to say hi.  Same with Joel. Okay, I give Joel a pass because I know how busy he is with his job and working at a university with a major job he holds welcoming the students back, and balancing being a new dad and husband too.  BUT, I needed his help with something yesterday.  It took me a few days to even get to him with my request, which was totally God’s doing.  When I finally got to him, he more or less blew me off.  Not totally, I understood he was busy, but he acted as if he just didn’t have time for something that meant so much to me.  I suddenly felt shunned and embarrassed.  I remembered what E…. had said earlier in the day, my friend who said that Christians are so uncaring these days.  And even tho he is my son and I know that he does love God with all of his heart, I was shocked and disappointed.  When did Christianity become so about business?  I hung up.  Tears just underneath the surface, tho I couldn’t cry because I had another locksmith here, one my friend E…. had recommended in his absence, working to make a new key for the Lincoln.  When he handed me a bill of $250, the tears REALLY were under the surface!  So this morning it all finally hit.  Was it the dream?  Was it just being exhausted?  Or weariness?  I sobbed as I got ready for work.  What have I ever done that my boys are so distant?  If it wasn’t for Emma, I don’t think I’d ever hear from Joel either, which for the most part I don’t.  Hubby did as he always does, in a not-so-understanding way, “Just call them.”  I don’t know, maybe I am being stupid, but I really think that they could check in with me from time to time.  I was glad when hubby left. I wanted a few minutes alone and for it to be okay to feel sorry for myself and not judged because I was so hurt.

The upset was only added to when hubby told me he had been leaving messages for Amy all week with no return phone calls. I too had left some messages, I even text messaged her.  By this morning I was convinced they all hated me!  I finally emailed Chad from work. He responded right away. His phone had been charged and he never got any messages.  He had Amy call right away.  All was well with her.  She felt bad for me when I told her how hurt I was about Jason not calling me since the wedding, after I did everything he requested of me.  She was shocked when I told he how Joel had blown me off.  And tears fell for a moment at work. I hate that!  But she was supportive and told me that it wasn’t me at all.  At least one of my kids cares.

When I hung up from her, once again I felt as if all of this is an important part of where I am going.  In other words Jason and Joel may in fact be giving me a gift.  Independence.  Is it all happening to send me into a new direction?  God’s way of saying it is time to do what I was always destined to do?

I sat tonight and read some beautiful soul mate/twin soul stories.  I don’t know why I do this? I have SO much that needs accomplished, but I find myself reading more and more.  Perhaps it is this something within me that so desperately wants to understand all that it is I feel on the inside.  Or perhaps it is something that God wants me to become more and more aware of for a reason?

The stories leave me more and more determined to find my way.  I know those words have meaning, find my way, words I so often use and have for a few years, but really, what does that mean?  Find my way.  Isn’t “my way” being walked each and everyday?  As long as I don’t do what I did for most of my life and refuse to go forward?  Yet, it’s as if I know something on such a deep level, but reason and rational thinking refuse to let me believe that which I know.  Perhaps that is what is meant by find my way.  Some times, as tonight, it seems clearer to me.  But then life takes over, and I don’t touch what I am touching tonight and I go on with normal and all I’ve known. It’s safe, it’s comfortable.  But I’m really not so stuck anymore. I’m taking steps all the time to move on. But I am using wisdom in the process.  Not being reckless, even tho there is a part of me on the inside that wants to be.  God still keeps me within certain boundaries.  I’ve been so faithful thus far to follow the still voice, I really can’t stop now.  I’m struggling tonight.  It’s exhaustion, I’m telling you!!

I’m soon to jump into the hot tub.  I will find peace of mind as I sit in the hot water and be still.  Seek God.  Think of “him.”  Touch this restless feeling I have tonight and allow God and the Spirit to sooth that feeling.  I miss him tonight.  That’s all I can say, for whatever reason, I am having an I miss him night. And I don’t even know him!  But I do.  It’s someone who I have known forever.  Sure life may change that of who I believe I know on a level most don’t see, but it seems to me when we touch, we bring back that place to one another.  It’s written in his eyes.  It’s written in mine.  We just need to be.  Yes, this is how it feels tonight in this longing and this missing.  Where is he?

Okay, okay, I am rambling.  Pouring out this heart of mine that so few every really know about me.  See, I continue on living.  Knowing that at this moment in time I have to fulfill within me that which I am.  Finding those dark places that need healed to really be whole in my life.  Slowly they seem to surface as time and days go on.  I am so much stronger now than I was 7 years ago when he and I met.  I am much stronger now than when he called me 5 years ago and I was a blubbering idiot that just wanted to get off the phone, so afraid of what I was feeling and what he might be feeling!  I am so much stronger the more I find me, the stronger I find the faith in him grows.  Is this part of God’s plan for my life?  Surely it must be!  Even in the pain and confusion, I find God waiting to teach me and grow from it all.  I know there is a world out there that would crucify me for my simple faith and beliefs in love.  But when I get right down to it, I do believe only love is real. And I do believe that sometimes love happens in distance and separation.  I am believing in something that can’t be seen or touched, but felt.  Like the wind.  I believe in the wind.

Okay, exhaustion is leading me to write deeper than normal.  I will close now.  Tears in my eyes from longing to once and for all touch all that I feel.  Touch him.  I want to cross the barrier of time on earth, and distance to the place he and I will meet again.  But I can’t.  First I must touch me, and all that is known in my own heart and being.  Everyday it gets stronger and everyday I learn more and more.  And still, I close confessing that much as I want to touch “him,” there still remains a number one love of my life.  The top of this pyramid I see in my mind’s eye.  There, at the top, I find God. Love flowing down, so that it is easily accessible to flow freely between the two bottom corners where it is I believe he and I exist.  Very deep thoughts, as the crickets sing, the mosquitoes bite, and my heart opens freely all that is in my soul.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  It’s just a miss you night! It hit tonight. Perhaps it is a story I read tonight where someone felt so betrayed for 10 years, and one day, they found one another again? I thought of you. It’s been almost 7 years now that we have known one another.  A game of cat and mouse, and hide and seek, and catch me if you can.  Whether you or me, it doesn’t matter, we both have to stop and look in our hearts and realize, it is what it is.  And it is. Isn’t it?  So much I wish we could talk tonight. I wouldn’t be afraid anymore. I would understand now.  Would you?  It’s still so complicated on so many levels, but at the soul level, is it growing stronger now?  To where all the complications that keep it from being seem to become smaller and smaller as the soul level reveals more and more to each of us something that was written in the stars and heavens a long time ago?  Yeah, maybe? I touch my soul tonight, unafraid.  Love is the only thing I know that will never fade away. I want it with all I have. I found it when I looked in your eyes so long ago, and returned home, the night you pulled me into your arms.  And the crickets sing, the fountain flows,  the breeze blows and the stars are hidden under clouds.  God’s love shelters me as I so bravely face something I try to keep nicely packed away in a box to one day be opened.  The gift of you.  I send you love and light.  No expectations, I only ask you to look into your soul to see………am I there?  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine