As I write I transfer files from my old laptop to my new laptop.  A grueling job.  Did I realize how much I had on my laptop?

Monday was Monday and Mr. Boss was in one of his moods.  That isn’t a positive statement.  It rained all day too.  That went along with the otherwise icky Monday.  What is it they say?  Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.  That shouldn’t be my thoughts because rainy or shiny, each day brings to me something new to learn.  And learning seems to come to me on the rainy days and Mondays. 

My friend Caroline stopped by my desk this afternoon for something.  Caroline is the one that has lived this twin soul experience for 16 years and more.  These days she is much happier.  She is living with what we have deemed is a soul mate to her.  Rumor has it there is a difference between the twin soul, and a mere soul mate.  I won’t get into the logistics of it tho.  It’s long and complicated and has taken me years to begin to understand the meaning of each. Besides, what do we as mere humans really understand when it comes down to it? We can only know what we feel from within our hearts.  Caroline still maintains that the man she believes with all of heart is her twin soul, is.  He just never was willing to make the sacrifices to spend his days with her.  Today she tells me she has found the answer to it all.  She never did the research by any means that I did when it happened to me as I tried to figure out just what exactly I had experienced! However, she did find herself at my desk through the years finally feeling as if “SOMEONE” in this huge world understood her heart!  Today found her back at my desk after our journey of 7 years! “Sunshine, I now understand.”  “What’s that?” I ask.  “I have some answers that you will want to use in your book.”  Forget business in this moment!  Answers!!!  OMG!!!  Please, give them to me!!!!  I bait her to begin.  Let phones stop ringing, the copy machine man needs to go away!  “I can’t tell you now.  Can we get together soon and discuss it?”  “Yes, but please,” I begin to beg,  “Let it be soon!”  “It will be.”  She promises.  She glows these days.  She is my old friend I knew so long ago.  As she walks away glimpses of my own twin soul, whom I call soul mate anyway, comes to mind.  If he’d only talk to me I think.  He and I could set the world on fire!  I chuckle at the thoughts.  I suppose I know a truth.  It is probably better in fantasy than real life, setting the world on fire.  Still, there just seems to be this feeling that if ever the dam broke between he and I, that of which surely must hold us back these days…….well, I do think there’d be a very beautiful fire to be shared with many.  Thoughts flow back to work then.  Some things just have to be stored for later thoughts.  I sure hope she gets together with me soon.  I like that she believes in the book as much as I do. 

After work I headed out to get my new, “Vogue” glasses.  They are cutting edge for sure!  LOL, I’d like opinions please!  Here’s a photo……..honesty is the best policy but because I am stuck now for the next two years until insurance buys me a new pair………..what do you think?  BTW, they are only worn at work!  Never outside of work, unless I am trying to read a menu! Emails please!  I am introducing them tonight!  Like a preview or something!  Personally, I think I look like a geek...........BUT, this is what all the top models are wearing!

 Now, back to the serious matters at hand................

I’m still in a battle with this time thing.  The days go on.  The stress is high sometimes to sell this place. I still find myself thinking seriously that when the time comes, what will I do?  Have I not found my way I wonder?  Thinking this house or that house will do.  And inside, feeling so hopeless and restless at the same time.

Married to a best friend of sorts, or room mate, or someone that is worn like an old flannel shirt that you just don’t want to throw out because it is so comfortable, is wearing on me these days.  Another fight ensued tonight.  It feels so empty most days. Oh, we seldom fight.  I try so hard not to.  And this isn’t about him being a bad person at all. It still is about me.  There is NO romance what-so-ever.  When I try to tell him this, he doesn’t hear me. I am a dreamer.  Something happened tonight that was blatantly proof of the fact he hardly notices I am there.  And once again, the proverbial straw I so often talk of breaks the camels back.  He is old. I am not.  He says it’s true, but I am only a few years younger than he.  “But it’s NOT about physiological age!”  I tell him.  He thinks old, I don’t.  What’s the answer to this?  The fight is never solved or won by either of us.  It never is.  He goes his way, I go mine.  Tired of the disagreement by tomorrow morning it will be as if nothing happened.  He likes living that way. It fits his demeanor of ignoring anything that is uncomfortable and it will go away.  It fits my demeanor of dying a slow death on the inside wondering why it turned out the way it did?  Well, of course I know why it did!  But that is another story for another night.

Once again I guess I am left feeling in the dumps. Wishing so much that I could just be a person that grew old when he did.  Not for the love reason, but because life would be so much easier.  Not to have these dreams within me that love is out there waiting.  A hand reached out to me that whispers through space and time,  “Be free Sunshine………..be free.”  Do I really hear it or is it just an illusion that haunts me of dreams throughout my life one day found then lost again.  But not really lost, because once it was found, or should I say he was found, it wouldn’t go away.  As if God and the angels and everyone was telling me to not let go.  A journey was to be walked and a destiny to be reached.  Tears fall as I think of it all. Where I am, where I want to be, where I am going, and the time of it all as I feel the years pass.

I guess I will close now.  My friend SpiritBear needs a word of hope sent his way. I will email him. And my friend Dovey who has gone out of her way the past few days to send me emails and try to share all that she sees from within.  Elizabeth dropped me a note today too. I need to give back to those that continue to shine love and light on my life.

Honesty has sure been given the past few days.  I think I will continue on this path for awhile.  Just letting out all that is within me.  Leo encouraged me to do such…..for some reason I am finding it really freeing at the moment.  I feel so restless. I even told hubby this tonight,  “If it wasn’t for the internet and this gift God has given me to let all the passion out in writing, I’d probably have made some real bad mistakes by now!”  In other words, this heart of mine longs to be loved in a real way.  A romantic way.  Not just another flannel shirt that is comfortable and known that you never throw away.  Isn’t that pitiful to admit such a thing?  I guess the writing has kept me from doing something crazy!  Like pursue that of which my heart so would like to do!  Road trip!  South and west!!!  Where I’d be appearing like a dream walking out of a rainbow or something as he looks down from the stage he is so accustomed to being on…….to see me. What would he do?  What would I do?  Quiver. Smile!  Get lost in his eyes and just be.  Oh, now that is a nice little dream I think I will go think about for awhile.  Anything to escape the place reality has me in at this time.

Truly tho, my faith will pull me through without mistakes being made.  Listening to that silent voice that leads to only that which is pure and good.  The most gentle part of me that exists keeps based in love and light.  Surely there is a reward up ahead for those that follow and keep the faith, and love with all their hearts even when things aren’t going the way we think they should. God says, “Without faith it is impossible to please Him.”  So I keep that faith, which to me is so simple.  Here is what I pray tonight,  “I hurt SO much in this moment Father, but I will trust you that I am where you have me for reasons I can’t see.  Can I dream Lord?  And if I can, will you help me to dream that which will one day be?”  And peace falls over me. In the restless, in the hurt, in the unknown darkness I experience as I sit in my living room listening to the most gentle meditative music there is peace.  Really, for now, peace is all that can be found.  And all is well with my soul.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Good night Soul Mate:  Are you there?  Do you reach your hand out to me through the dark and the night and the distance?  Is it you?  I could live with it if it wasn’t, but I could live even greater if you would tell me it is.  Of course no expectations!  Just to know tho would ease so much in my heart.  What if it was you? Did you really know all that is within me?  Did you know that if you walked into my world tomorrow, in real life, I would probably be so afraid?  Oh, I’d get over it, but the fear would be because of the intensity of everything I have ever felt when I was with you.  The times you have gently rubbed my arm calmed me down……..you make me quiver…..your touch, your presence…..the recognition of something so very far from here.   Do you even know the words written to you at night?  Sometimes I am positively sure it is you here, then the doubt creeps in and I feel as if I whisper in the wind, hoping the wind blows and you feel this intensity I describe too.  Oh to know I am not in this alone, that out there somewhere, you are feeling it and waiting and hoping for so much too……..if synchronicity is real…..it is true because time and again, I am led to see and discover certain things to keep me believing.  And if none of it is true, and the wind never blows upon your face and soul, then my life was a little brighter because I found the one that was meant to fill me with passion and believe in the unbelievable.  But if it is you and the wind blows between us over and over………I miss you.  More than anything tonight, I wish I could talk to you and just have your arms around me again.  I send you love and light in the moment of dreams as I sit in the dark, candles flickering, soft meditative music playing……I so wish you were near.  Goodnight……..Love, Sunshine