I’m on my new laptop tonight and a new and updated version of Microsoft Word. I’m lost!  Why is it a new computer is about as uncomfortable as a new pair of shoes, or  glasses? Which I am trying to adjust to at the moment as well!  Is my life not full of minor changes in the moment?  Perhaps leading to the more major changes.

I had something very odd and weird happen last night during the night.  This is a first, even for me.  I was awakened suddenly at 1:00 a.m.  I know this for sure because I looked at the clock.  I began to weep.  This incredible feeling of weeping coming on me.  Tears falling on my pillow as I was unable to control the feeling.  There was no rhyme or reason for this to come on me. I had not been having a dream that I remembered, and was sound asleep!

I began to think about things that make me sad these days.  I  began to touch what haunts me these days.  Love.  I have so much to give but it seems no one gives it back.  My sons seldom talk to me, which I find sad because they both know I have no family but them and Amy.  *more tears and weepiness*  Then I think of where I am….or am not, as I wonder if it will ever change.  Then it was back to my sons.  When I thought about it, tears streaming down my face, I wasn’t sure why I even woke up?  I laid there for 45 minutes, unable to fall back to sleep as the tears continued. Then, it happened…….A vision was to flash before my eyes. I saw a wave. A HUGE wave sweep across the country.  I can only describe it as dark and ominous.  It traveled from the west to the east.  I watched it go, and suddenly heard this from the Spirit, “By Father’s Day.”  It hit me odd.  I had to literally figure out what date it was as I laid there, middle of the night, figuring out the month.  It’s August, I decided.  Father’s Day was in June.  I wondered if it meant next Father’s Day?  After this vision, I fell deep asleep.  Not to wake up again during the night.  I must have fallen to sleep immediately after.  When I woke this morning, tho I had interrupted sleep, I didn’t feel exhausted.  That is how I knew it was God.  

What did this wave mean?  Honestly, I have NO idea?  I told my friend Craig about it, who has experienced visions.  “Did you ask God what it meant?”  He asked.  What a concept I thought!!!  “No, not yet.” I answered with a smirk. Tonight, I am seeking meaning.  The weeping was the worst part. Like my spirit was grieving over something.  I don’t have fear in those moments, even with the vision. I just feel something is coming.  I wish God gave me clear meaning behind it all, but I agree with Craig.  In time, I think I will understand what I am meant too.

It did bring me to a strong feeling of needing God closer this morning than normal.  Asking so many questions.  Not so much of the vision, but more on a personal level.  I am reminded tho throughout the day, compliments of the Spirit, that there has to be a complete emptying out to fill that of which is to come.  Deep words from within I’m not sure I even realized until tonight.  As is God’s way with me,  He confirms. I would come across an article tonight about “brokenness.”   A word I don’t necessarily use, but amazingly what I feel is happening to me in the time and space I am currently residing.  Break what must be broken for the tomorrows to begin anew and fresh.  It’s SO painful, and at the same time, so promising if I will trust.

I am being prepared.  I know it more than anything and tonight as I write, again with meditative music filling the room, and candles aglow, I feel a sense of more to come.

Jason finally did call tonight.  Not quite a month before he finally called.  We talked for a few moments. What is wrong with me?  I was nice and didn’t bring up the guilt. He said at the end,  “You know mom, you can call me if you want to talk about something.”  “I hate to interfere.”  Was all I could say.  The tears began. I am bad about hiding tears.  I let him go at that point.  No need to explain what I am feeling because I’m not sure I myself understand.  I’m excited, and yet weepy?!  Go figure!  God’s ways are so much higher than ours!

I struggle these days to make it through work.  So ready to get out of there!  Still, I do the best I can, trusting I am still there for a bit longer.  I’d ask God why, but I don’t think I’m supposed to.  That one falls under trusting Him.  “Okay!” I say.

A good friend of mine, actually one of my old smoking buddies I use to take breaks with at school died a few years ago.  Yeah, of lung cancer.  I loved Linda. I miss her to this day.  She was only a few years older than me.  By the time she died, I had already quit smoking about 2 years earlier. I felt so grateful for my freedom.  One of Linda’s best friends stopped in to see me today. I hadn’t seen her in years.  We reminisced about Linda and talked of her last days.  I hadn’t talked to her the last 2 years she was alive.  Something I still regret.  She had divorced her husband a few years earlier. I went through the divorce with her. She thought life would be beautiful and free for her.  All her problems were past.  But it didn’t work that way. She dated man after man and really didn’t find true love again, or so I thought.  The truth is, she did.  She was with her high school boyfriend from back when. He never married her, which her friend tells me today was hurtful for Linda, but, he also admitted that the years he was away from her he never forgot her either.  A soul mate story I guess.  Does everyone have one of those?  No, they don’t when I think about it. 

We then talked about what she is doing now.  I explained how I was soon to move to the city, tho secretly I think to myself that I’m not so sure that is what will happen. Suddenly I am unsure of where I will go to be honest.  She asks me what I will do.  I begin to explain how I am writing a book.  She is intrigued.  To be honest, I am too these days! I mean these words flow out of me as some sort of prophetic happening or something!  Honestly!  The last thing I would do is share this info so freely with people, especially someone I hardly know and have never been that close with!  But the words flow…………something takes over them.  And as the words are flowing, I wonder to myself how on earth I am ever going to do this? But this inner knowing has a strength I wonder where it comes from? It forces me to talk with confidence and such assured knowledge!  When she leaves I try to gain my senses back as I ask myself,  “Where is this coming from?”  I guess we speak things into creation, or so my beliefs.  Perhaps this is God planting seeds into action or something and I am still just the vessel so willing to be all that He calls me to be.

Now, I will close.  Tho I made it through the day without being tired, tonight, I am ready to go lay my head down.  I sense a full night of sleep coming, well, unless God is going to continue to show me whatever it is He is trying to show me.  So much is symbolic in visions.  I will be still and listen, trying oh so hard not to jump to any meaning.

Now I will try to figure out how to post this.  The new computer and I are growing accustomed to one another in the moment.  Like new shoes wear in eventually, I think when I have all the features figured out, I will really like it! One quick side note as I close, it is a soul mate night. I think and sense him so very close………….no, no visions of it, just a feeling that he is so near. The longing is intense, but I will close my eyes and feel it and just let it be.  As I convince myself some things just can’t be explained.  Perhaps it’s not meant to be explained, just felt.  From the heart and soul.  Where God hand paints so many beautiful pictures and songs of love. 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Okay, confession time!  I was on your myspace tonight, and about to cross over that line we have drawn in the sand to write you a message……..for a moment I just needed to talk to just you. I needed to ask all those things I want to ask. I wanted to reach out to you, and only you and just be there.  But I didn’t. I so don’t want to interfere with whatever keeps you from stepping over the line too.  Yet, would you believe me if I told you deep inside I think I’m supposed to?  So I will be still and if in the next few days this feeling doesn’t subside………..well, I may.  Sometimes I think I need to follow that leading.  I need a friend.  Well, since this is my confession, I need you.  Whew!  I said it!  Do you feel it?  I think so.  I am being broken right now………..a painful place to be, but somehow, I think it will only make for a better and stronger me in the tomorrows.  I still believe we will find one another one day and this part of the journey is requiring both of us to get to the deepest parts of our souls for what is to come.  Always remember, I remain gentle and filled of no expectations in the end, only touching that which I may as I send you love and light.  Above all, I still remain, “just me.”  In a broken sort of way at the moment.  *smiles* Have a beautiful night,  somehow, I feel you so near.  Goodnight -  Love, Sunshine