All sorts of weirdness surrounds me tonight.  I’m really not sure what it is I feel?  Is it restlessness that continues?  Or is it a feeling of impending something?  Soon, I will work myself out of this feeling I hold and have for most of the night, until then, I really want to get in touch with what it is I am sensing.

I continue to give my best at work.  Days feel limited there tho.  Is it wishful thinking?  Or perhaps part of this feeling of something. I try to laugh with Donna.  I enjoy my lunches with Linn, Sydney continues to have a million ideas of things we can do outside the office, and I listen, but my mind and heart seems so far removed from the motions I go through.  Yet I know, I must walk with love and light in this place I remain for now.

Dave was there today and will be for the next 3 school days. I got him a great sub job.  A 3-day assignment.  He still continues to have some real bad luck or hard ships.  He seems to be such a close friend these days. When he’s in the building, it’s like having someone close by.  On top of all the other drama in his life, his truck broke down.  He took a taxi to school, which was incredibly expensive!  I insisted on taking him home after school.  At first he didn’t want to impose.  By noon, the thought of walking in 100 degree heat was enough that he begged a ride.  I laugh, “No problem.”  An old school friend of mine who has kids at school happens to be standing at my desk right then.  She is one that is outgoing and knows just about everyone in town. She and I are having a conversation of our age…and how I refuse to think my age, as I am really still only 25!  She disagrees with me. This is my chance to prove my point!  I begin to joke with Dave in front of her, “Ahh, come on, let me take you home!”  Dave plays along, “Oh, okay, you can take me home!” He says in a rather sexy tone. My high school friend, D., looks at Dave, looks at me,  and back at Dave,  “Who are you?  And how old are you?”  My friend doesn’t lack shyness obviously.  Dave is picking up on the fact I am playing with her, “I am 31!”  He says,  “And single!”  D is wondering what this is about! “Well, WHO are you?”  I interrupt now,  “He is 31, I am 25, and let’s just say he has slept in my bed.”  I say in a cunning way. *raises eyebrows* At this Dave cracks up!  D really gets upset now, “WHO ARE YOU?!” She demands to know as she is looking at him…..“I’m Dave. Yes, I slept in her bed, and was pretty intoxicated when I did it.”  D:  “I said, “WHO ARE YOU?!” You could see it!  She is thinking that me, this innocent person she talks to all the time maybe has a secret side! I think she was wondering if I was holding out on her being a wild 40 something person underneath my gentle demure .  Had she caught me like a bug caught in a web or something?  I couldn’t stand it any longer. I’m really a person of love and light and no way would I do something so reckless as what it appears we are talking about…..I have to stop the game before some horrible rumor gets started,  “It’s okay D.!  He house sits for me when I’m out of town.”  She laughs, well sort of.  Was she disappointed that it wasn’t as juicy as she thought?  Probably.  Human nature.  At least for a moment it brought some laughter to me.

The ride home with Dave tho isn’t as filled with joking and laughter.  He has some serious issues he is facing. And me?  In my own way, I do too.  We talk politics and how oppressive the world feels at the moment.  I want to remain a person of love and light, but it’s something I’m feeling in the moment.  “You’re not alone Dave.”  I tell him.  “So many people are facing really dark moments right now.”  We talk what we feel about certain things.  I tell him of the vision I had the other night. Of the wave sweeping across the country and how I was told by Father’s Day.  He sits quiet, listening.  “Okay, you probably think I’m crazy.”  I say in a chuckle.  “No Sunshine, I don’t.  I have come to learn one thing about you, you are in touch with a force not many people ever know.  I listen to the things you say and think a lot about them.  You have something very special.”  “I feel anxious Dave.”  I tell him.  “Restless and anxious.”  He stops and thinks about it, “So do I.”  And we sit in my Rodeo for a moment.  He is tired.  He works at the university from 10:30 p.m. – 7:00 a.m. When there is a sub assignment for him at school, which I try hard to get for him, he works for me from 7:30 – 2:30.  I know he needs to get some sleep before he does it all again tonight and tomorrow.  I see the tired in him.  He reaches over and gives me a hug.  A friendship hug of the warmest type.  “Thank you.”  He says.  “Hey, get some sleep!  I’ll plan to take you home tomorrow night too, kay?”  He smiles.  He has given me so much by house sitting all those days this summer and never took checks I left him for payment.  I think to myself, with his truck broken, I should give him back those checks he never took.  I think I will do this tomorrow.  He leaves and I realize what a great friend I have in Dave.  It is so rare that you find someone who you totally trust.  I so want him to find his way.  He will!

How do I know? Once as a child he had a near death experience.  He remembers the other side, or heaven.  He was told he had to come back, he had a special assignment on earth he’d have to complete.  I believe this because of all the hardships thrown at him.  In other words, the ones I believe that are called I think go through incredible hardships and trials to grow us to be what we were destined to be.  So yes, Dave will find his way.

I did the best I could tonight to find the energy to get stuff done around the house.  I failed tho I fear.  But I have had a night of quiet and aloneness.  For me, that is always a positive experience because I do grow closer to God in those moments.  Hubby was extremely late getting home tonight.  He’ll be gone all day Saturday too.  If all goes right, I could have a whole almost weekend to myself.  I know Amy is hoping I will take Skylar, but to be honest, I’d SO love a weekend for me.  To float in my pool, get organized, and pray and meditate.  I will miss Skylar, but I think in this restless, anxious sensing I’m having, I need time to be still and listen to what God is teaching me in this moment.

My day wasn’t near the soul mate day yesterday was, tho I did spend a lot of time on and off at work re-reading private journals God has given me for a long time. Many of these messages speak of soul mate. They’re my messages from God.  Or is that letters?  A bit of both.  As I read them I slip to that place in my spirit where I see me standing in a field…..reaching my hands towards heaven and feeling the freedom of slipping out of reality and back to that place of spiritual refreshment.  The words God has given me through the years are so full of power, and love!  I wonder how I get back to the everyday living after that of which has been given me.  Tho I was busy at work I did make time to read a few of these.  When I finish one, I know in my soul, all is well.

As I sit here tonight remembering some of what I read today, I know that my whole life is so beautifully planned in the end.  I’m not sure why I am SO blessed to have this incredible love surround me, but I am so glad God stays so near.  Sometimes, well most of the time I feel SO not worthy!  But His love is so gentle………it makes me want to be more and more like Jesus.  So I read and try to be what Jesus was in my life.  Producing the fruit of all that He taught.  It sure goes against the world’s grain right now tho, seeing as it appears to be a world of “It’s all about me!”  Yet, God is teaching me so much about life beyond me!  Love.  I am learning so many things about love right now.  It’s sure not what I thought it was all these years.  It is so free, it is so patient!  Love is kind and gentle and never forceful.  It allows, it doesn’t hurt, and it is honest.  It’s all those things that I pray to walk in and be as I continue on this journey.  It fills me with peace when I speak of it and meditate upon it,  but still, there is a restless feeling within me.  Apparently God doesn’t want me real comfortable right now.  I sense a lot of change coming.  Personally and globally.  Still, I think I’ll just close with this peaceful-easy feeling.  Meditative music playing, candles aglow, and God, so near whispering a word of gentleness to me in the moment.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  So many words gently spoken to me through the years about you.  This incredible love you are surrounded with from above.  Did you know?  Have you felt it?  There are times I think you gave up, just thinking it was too late or something……..but it never was.  Love was always standing there, never ever far from your being, because you my friend have a very special calling.  And what am I saying?  Words flowing from a place much higher than me.  Please know, I only write what I hear spoken gently to my heart.  I pray you feel it and at a soul level know it to be so true.  Remember, I am just the vessel that willingly flows with what is given to me to be shared.  And when it comes to you, that is the easiest thing for me to do.  I feel that love so strongly!  I wish I understood it all more than I do, but I don’t.  So I just listen, and nights like tonight when I hear a bit more clearly, I bravely share it.  And yes, if you want to know if I hear one day it will be, yes, I do.  Did I ever tell you about a guy I once knew a long time ago? I thought he was the one.  How badly I wanted him to be the one!  But one day, he had to go away.  I couldn’t go with him, I was told,  “He is not the one.”  It broke my heart and I cried. I remember the night I heard those words…..but I knew.  My heart knew, he wouldn’t return and he was not the one.  Shortly after, I began to see you in vision. No, I couldn’t pick you out, even tho I saw photos of you…….but I knew you.  It would be many more years before you were brought into my life. God did make it a grand entrance when you arrived!!  I saw, I knew, and since that day, regardless of the fact we haven’t had much contact, you are still so far away and it looks so impossible, I still hear that it is you.  So these days I just reach out to you, feel the connection,  even with the crazy of it all, and simply walk the journey with a whole lot of faith and love.  Sending you so much love the whole time.  Even in the bad times we’ve had……all I know is there is so much love around this story.  A love you’ve probably never known, and a love I’ve never known.  What a mystery! I sure can’t wait to find out what it all means.  One day, I guess we shall know.  Till then, I like knowing that out there, you walk the journey with me, and we touch.  And we dance.  And you are everywhere I go and am.  Such mystery, huh?  Here’s to faith when it really can’t be understood………sent with a whole lot of love.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine