One more day of this very long week, then a 3-day weekend, only the weekend is about as busy as the week.  And life goes on and in my spirit I cry for a time to slow down and be still.

I was incredibly busy at work too.  Do I sound like a broken record?  I don’t want it this way, but it seems to be just the way it is. I ask once again, is Earth spinning faster?

I did some serious praying before going into work today.  God does have a sense of humor sometimes as He reminds me that He will honor that of which I pray for.  Yesterday morning, the day that turned out to be so horrible, I had prayed on the way to work before the bad had begun that I feared I still have a real selfish nature, I asked God to help me overcome this nature.  Oh boy!!! Did He ever give me opportunity yesterday or what?

I may have dinged my shield of faith a bunch, but I didn’t give up. This morning I found myself praying to learn what I am meant to learn.  Am I nuts? Probably, but it seems so important to me to lose that selfish nature.

And the day began crazy.  2 teachers going home sick, causing me to cover classes.  School buses late.  Well, the pace was great.  Someone did something that REALLY irritated me.  I looked at Donna, “She won’t even take the *F word ing* time to do whatever!”  When I realized what I had said, a word I NEVER, EVER use, (luckily no one was around) I felt so bad!  It broke me!  Then and there I knew it was time to let it all go.  Donna laughed.  Still, I am SO not like that!  She was actually shocked as she has NEVER heard me say that word!  Tho still irritated, I knew, I had to really let go.

Linn helped today. She understood my frustrations.  So did Donna.  I still miss Elizabeth.  She’d of been consulting me throughout the day.  I still have to remind myself, she is gone. Thoughts of 2-weeks notice still in my mind, yet a gnawing voice from within speaking a truth that whispers, “Not yet my child.  Not quite yet.”  I think I will go home, get on monster.com, and look for jobs I decide in my frustration. I had actually done this last night to find there was a job opened at the airport in the city for customer service with a major airline!  Oh yes, I can do this!!!  *she does her sweet voice, those with tickets in aisle 1-A – 23A may board the plane now*  How awesome I think!  Today I come home to do the on-line application.  A shut door happens.  Can I explain that? No.  Just a feeling this isn’t the right thing to do!  “So what is the right thing?”  I yell out to God.  No answers, but this feeling of waiting upon the Lord.  Oh, waiting!  Have I not already done this for how long?  *ugh*

I know I’m much more grumpy at work then I’ve been.  But everyone has to realize a real truth. Originally and for the past 17 years, we had 1400 students.  We are now up to almost 1800, and have about 20 more teachers than when I started, and they have not added additional secretarial help!!!  Custodians either.  So to say the least, there is no time.  It’s left me being someone I don’t want to be.  Burned out!!!!! Yet, I remain.  Perhaps there are reasons for this as I so gently trust.

Tomorrow will be the telling day.  The day before a holiday break, several teachers think they have to have this day off to have a 4-day weekend.  What? Summer wasn’t enough and that was less than 3 weeks ago?  Excuse me?  My sub caller has warned the list is quite large, expect sub shortages. I know this going in so I will pray extra hard for a  miracle!!!  I keep telling myself just get through the morning and all will be well.  And deep within me, I sense strongly that it isn’t going to be the problem I am making it. I hope that sensing is correct!!!!

So what good happened today?  Well, escaping from this life I live to the life I dream of one day, Amy called me.  This is a rather long story so I will try to keep it short.  Yesterday, I was singing to Bree, my new grandbaby,  “Just Remember I Love You.”  An old song from the 70’s, one of my favorites.  When Skylar almost died 2 years ago, and I’d sit with her endlessly in the ICU nursery, I’d sing it to her.  Yesterday, I began with Bree.  Her little eyes just looking up at me as if she was connecting.  Amy came up, “Mom, what are you singing to her?” I told her.  “That is so weird!  I just heard that song an hour ago in the restaurant I was eating in.  I smiled.  Synchronicity.  Then she called today at work,  “Mom!  I’m in Wal Mart and guess what song just came on?!”  Yup!  “Just Remember I Love You.”  “Mom, I NEVER hear this song!” She exclaimed!  “What is going on?!”  I laugh, “Honey, “he” *soul mate* is sending you vibes!”  I hear her roll her eyes, “Mom, come on!” (This song has special meaning to soul mate too.)  So I give her some excuse of synchronicity.  As I do, I am taken back.  Back to 2003.  It was a time before I journaled on line.  A time I would write soul mate on occasion.  I had sent him a letter a week earlier.  Asking all those questions once again.  Wanting him so desperately back then to call, I mean I NEEDED some answers here!  Of course, he didn’t call.  But then, Amy called me.  It was a Friday night. I was in the drug store, this is how clear my memory is.  She called my cell phone, it was odd.  “Mom, have you talked to XXXX?”  “XXXX who?”  I was a bit confused.  She gave me the full name of soul mate.  “No!?!  Why do you ask?”  “Oh, I had a dream about him last night, he came to me and said “Tell your mom I’m trying to call her.”  I about DROPPED the phone!  She had NO way of KNOWING I had sent a letter a week earlier asking him to please get in touch with me.  It was so clear to her, it was as if he she had always known him and this was normal!  When I told her I hadn’t talked to him, she said, “Well, I just wanted you to know he’s trying to get a hold of you.”  Did I cry that day in the drugstore?  Yeah, maybe? I felt that those two had a connection of some sort and this whole thing was getting weirder!  LOL, it was only the beginning of weird! I’d soon find out it would get more weird as time went on.  Amy did eventually meet soul mate.  An instant like I think on both parts.  I only know that after that dream, she really couldn’t wait to meet him one day.  She finally did.  She has vague memory now of this dream………I’ve heard it said that angels sometimes take over those we know to bring us messages. It’s the only clear explanation I can come up with.  Now, she is noticing hearing this one song over and over.  Synchronicity at it’s best!  I won’t try to put any interpretation on it tho, other than for a moment today, it made me realize that I had yet another sign post to keep moving forward.  I ask tho, why Amy is the recipient of it?  Does it matter?  Probably not. Interestingly enough, she asked me yesterday if “he” continued to hit these days.  “Yup.” I said with a smile.  “Ohhh…..” she said.  Whatever she wondered must have been answered. Apparently, she is picking up on some vibe.  SO yes, her phone call to me today and the memory of her dream so long ago brightened my otherwise challenging day.  Tho by this afternoon the day did seem better. I think it had to do with the calm I promised myself to have after my outburst of “not-so-nice” language this morning.

The weather has finally broken! It is sort of crisp and cool out there. A perfect night for the hot tub. I’m so tired anyway, I will probably fall asleep as I dream.  And pray.  And try to find new strength and love and light within me.  But let’s face it, I can only find those things as I look to God. Because really, if He isn’t in the center of all I am, I really am nothing.  Yes, this is where I need to look tonight to find that love and light I am so desperately seeking once again.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  And our dance continues, and our song.  I’m not sure anyone else can hear the song but you or I, but you know what?  I think that’s okay, because I think the song is there for just you and me.  Do you laugh sometimes when you hear the weird things that have happened to me along the way of this journey?  This is a true story about Amy!!  This is why she wanted so much to meet you.  Don’t you love how little parts of this story come out more and more?  Do you know a part of me does believe you hold the phone in your hand, that you still have my number, *yes it is still the same* and that so many times you have wanted to dial it. But what would you say?  What would I say?  Honestly, I do believe I have finally grown enough you’d have a great conversation with me.  And of course, I’d never be pushy!!!  Anyway, a great memory that came back to me today when it appears more synchronicity is happening to poor Amy.  I won’t speculate what it means, if it means anything at all?!  I’ll just chalk it in my heart that you are everywhere I go.  And on the days I need something to smile about, something pertaining to you will suddenly appear.  And of course, knowing after all this time, here you are still, and here I am still, and a deep feeling of real being shared and getting stronger everyday, I grow and find the journey a lot easier to believe in these days.  But it sure has taken a long time to get to this place, huh?  Next step.  We have to talk.  When or where?  I haven’t a clue.  We’ve just got to get past the intensity of what it feels when we are together.  We will!  I think we should just laugh.  A lot!  About whatever………and it will be so beautiful.  I send you love and light. Laugh for me sometime tonight/tomorrow……..I need that light-heartedness at the moment of thinking of you out there laughing………have a beautiful tomorrow.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine