I’ve been more or less in a state today. This is how I describe my life when I can’t quite explain what it is I am feeling. A state. I am in a state.

The morning began rather weird.  For no other reason than things continue to feel weird to me right now. I continue to feel anxious.  What does that mean? I’m in a state, okay?  I don’t know. I feel anxious from without….meaning nothing within, but from the general atmosphere of the world all together.  I want to be a person of love and light, but if I don’t share my apprehensions when they come, am I shucking off that which God gives me?  Yes, I feel anxious, and I am in a state.

Work continues to be work.  Leo called me at work this morning, she was in a state too.  Oh no! Both of us in a state, not a good thing I guess!  But we talked it out as I gently try to touch that faith from within to share it with her. Well, as much as I could without 15 people standing around my desk staring at me needing me for this or that and thinking I should hang up!. Don’t I love that?!!!! *shakes head and rolls eyes*  I wanted to get lost with my friend about our perspective journeys!  But duty called, I promised her I’d call her back after work.  Just to talk this whole journey thing out, and I did.

Stories continue to come to me of the soul mate nature.  It always amazes me how these people find me.  Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t a “neon” light flashing over my head that says,  “SOUL MATE EXPERT, STOP HERE WITH YOUR STORY!”   I listen, and to be honest, I find myself more and more fascinated how paths cross and this leads to that, and how certain people would have never found one another without the smallest of step being taken.  It makes me realize that while I am SO tired of this place I am in, perhaps everyday is a huge synchronal part of the overall plan for my life?  Huge in thoughts when I think about it.  So today’s story that would come to me was from a parent who divorced her husband because she had nothing left to give.  She and her ex-husband had really close friends they did a lot of stuff with.  At the time she went through her divorce, their friends went through one too.  The wife of this couple left her husband for her high school sweetheart after meeting up at a reunion.  Her husband grieved, until my friend telling me the story today befriended him. I mean they were both separated now, right?  This new friendship led to an incredible whirlwind romance and eventually marriage.  Her ex husband in the meantime meets a wonderful lady, as my friend describes her, and they are now engaged, of which my friend, now a newlywed is thrilled for her ex!   BUT, the ex wife, of her new husband did in fact marry her high school sweetheart, only, it isn’t paradise. She refuses to speak to my friend, now married to her ex husband, because she thinks her old friend betrayed her, even tho it was she that left her husband for the high school sweetheart!!  Whew!  Yes, what a journey these people have all walked!!! SO!  What did I see and understand from her conversation with me?  The one suffering the most is the ex wife.  Why?  Because of the way she did it.  She didn’t care who she hurt, she was going to be with her high school sweetheart again, PERIOD!!! She hurt her kids, tore he ex husband up, not giving him time to adjust, and turned her life upside down to get what she wanted.  My friend telling the story was very gentle with her ex husband and her kids, giving everyone time to adjust, going to marriage counselors to try to make it work, etc.  Eventually tho, she was empty and didn’t have anything to give.  Now, she and her ex are amicable.  And she is INCREDIBLY happy with her new husband!!!  “Sunshine, what am I going to do with you?”  She asks, knowing that for so long I have held in a secret of so desperately wanting to be elsewhere.  “One day, you will find the strength!”  She says.  “But remember to be fair in love.”  I know what that means. I wouldn’t have years ago, but today, I do understand.  As she leaves I think about how her new husband wouldn’t have found what he has had his ex-wife NOT followed her passions!  Obviously, she wasn’t happy.  Once again I see how everything is so intricately designed.  What we can’t see today perhaps one day will be clearly seen and make sense why certain things worked or didn’t.  Oh, so deep on a night I am in a state.

When I came home Leo and I did a marathon talk.  Trying so desperately to figure out why our journeys at the moment are so sad.  Why won’t either of our guys talk to us?  We just need answers.  We both agree on this.  Answers….”I swear to you Leo, if he goes back on the road this fall like he normally does, no matter what, I am going to see him.  I need to.  This time tho I won’t be afraid.”  She listens as she drifts off into her own memory of her own twin soul…….”Will he ever let me in?”  She asks.  I want to tell her yes, but how can I when I don’t understand a lot of this journey anyway.  “Just remember, it is about perfect timing!  His and yours.”  Words I convince myself of day after day.  She listens as I ramble on so full of faith in things that most of the world would just shake their heads at us about.  “But they have never told us to go away!” I keep saying this.  “If he wanted me to, I would!”  She says the same thing.  And we digress. Answers not found but faith discovered in this simple fact, we have both found “the one.”  Never to be questioned regardless of where it leads or doesn’t lead.  Most never find this I remind her.  She agrees. When I hang up I sit on my porch swing a bit longer and I think about him.  He comes here, he touches me…….we dance……yes, I am grateful.  And my state continues.

Tonight was particularly bad, this state I am in.  A sensing.  A sensing of darkness and something around me.  What is happening?  In the spiritual realm what is going on?  People feel it.  There is a sense of anger.  For instance as I am driving home I am going 83 MPH. I’m on the freeway. A Mercedes comes up passing me on the right side in between 2 semis.  He is REALLY in a hurry I guess.  A car in front of me, slowing me down it only going 70, the legal speed limit.  I see this Mercedes get on this car’s tail, and he begins to motion with his hands to GET OUT OF THE WAY!  He is pointing!  Flashing, being SO aggressive!  I think to myself this is what is happening in life at the moment.  Everyone is SO about themselves, get out of my way now! After watching this, I slowed down and got behind a semi. I’m guilty too of trying to get though life too fast myself.  Perhaps my state tonight intensified because I turned on Fox News, hearing news for the first time in how many weeks?  My spirit is too sensitive these days, I can’t listen.  I was in a state anyway, this only adds fuel to the fire of it all. I turn it off, turn on the meditative music, pray, take a shower, then I climbed in the hot tub.  My state is making me be quiet and still.  What is it I feel?  What is it I am feeling??  Still at the moment I can’t make it out. I’m just in a state I guess…….

With that, I will close.  I need some serious meditative time tonight.  I need to fill back up with the love and light and seek God on what it is this state is all about?  I also need a good night’s sleep.  Tomorrow will be brighter, I believe in brighter tomorrows, I always have and always will.  But for tonight, this state continues. I sense God is calling me into that secret place we meet to show me something.  Yes, this is what I am sensing, He is calling me to come and listen.  I shall heed that voice with the most grateful heart to hear when He calls.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Time keeps passing, and I keep missing you.  Would it help if I told you how desperately I want to talk to you?  Would it help if I told you how much I want to see you?  Would it help if I told you that not a day goes by that I don’t stop throughout the day and whisper your name, longing so much to be close to you?  I feel all those things, but then I am reminded by logic and common sense how far away you are…….and how you haven’t wanted to talk to me for how long………yet, I feel you.  So close I feel you!!!!  My friend Vicki asked me today how I have gone this long without much contact with you……..then she said it must be God’s grace.  Yes, she is right!  I guess it’s as I told you last night, I would wait a lifetime for you because really, where else would I go?  I do believe it is about a whole lot more than just me……..I think it is about love and light and hope and promises made so long ago, and never forgetting that which was always deemed to be or something like that.  I feel stronger when I think of it and tell you about it.  All the same I desperately want to talk to you…..I really want to see you, and above all, I continue to stop and whisper your name……can you hear?  Do you feel it?  Is it intertwined with all that you are too?  Do I hear you whisper my name in a far away place?  A journey we must walk…….and tho so far apart, so close too…….together, apart, it doesn’t really matter in the end because it is not forgotten, and that remains the miracle.  I send you so much love and light as I sit here missing you…..in a state I am in, I feel you feel in this moment the longings within my heart.  Wishing you a beautiful night, Goodnight - Love, Sunshine

This is what I am sensing tonight................But look in the horizon, the light is there...........follow the light........always follow the light