All I can say at the moment is how happy I am that it is Friday!  My days continue to be so very buried.  I continue to think, soon, so soon I will move to the next point in my destination on the journey, but I linger.  Continually.

Last night was so much fun. I like those nights.  We’ve added Linn these days to our little click.  Click? Me?  Nah………..just special friends. Everyone dropped everything because Elizabeth was coming to town. We laughed, I grumbled, and we laughed some more, and I grumbled more.  Then I apologized for grumbling, and we all laughed.  I am reminded what great friends I have, and they came to me because of this job I complain of so much.  Never take things for granted, I know this.  Count my blessings instead.  It was a late night in the end cause when Elizabeth and I got home we sat on the porch swing and talked.  Like olden times, a mere 6 months ago, now olden times, we talked about where life is at the moment. I looked at her, realizing how much has changed in both of our worlds from a year ago and wonder where I will be a year from now.  Where will she?  Life is so ever-changing I decided.  And it seems to be going faster, life.

When I went to bed I told her to come again.  She would sleep in this morning then leave.  She’ll be back.  I’m still always sad when she leaves, just as I am so excited when she comes.  She’s learned finally how to set my security alarm!  We’ve made progress!  *laughs*

I’m very much an observer of life, paying attention to things I hear over and over.  Lately, I have had such an anxious spirit.  I don’t want to be negative to anyone, but deep down I feel something is up.  Still.  And others are feeling it.  Even those that don’t have too much spiritual knowledge or feelings are asking me more and more if I sense something.  Do I lie?  Or do I use it as an opportunity to share love and light and God’s love and the peace of Jesus? So many are bringing this up with me and around me, it’s as if there is an air about all of us of intense change coming.  So I try to offer peace, and love.  We simply have to live our lives loving others, and trust that God gives us what we will need day to day.  Have I lost my peace with that of which I sense?  No.  As I told Donna who HATES to talk about this at all, but asked me some questions today, “We are only on a journey here.”  She struggles with some of my beliefs, but listens.  Sometimes we get deep.  Perhaps this is why neither one of us can get caught up with our jobs this year!  She does listen, tho she’d prefer not to.  And me? I am amazed at how this topic continues to come up everywhere I go.

My friend Vicki (Shellsea) and I got a chance to talk for a moment on the phone today.  Business, we rushed through so we could get to the good stuff. I suddenly realized how deep I was feeling today.  Work had kept my mind so wrapped up, yet, I was feeling an incredible draw to “him.”  As I was talking with Vicki, I had to choke back tears. But I couldn’t tell you why? It was a longing, an incredible longing.

I come home.  Play with the dogs for a bit. And then turn on the computer.  That is when I find new photos of “him.”  Photos taken in the past couple weeks probably.  I begin to cry.  What is wrong with me?  Tears streaming down my face, I miss him!!!!  How can that be?? How can you miss something you never had?  My friend SnowWhite emails me, I begin to pour out on her how I am feeling.  “You okay? You’re more sentimental than normal.”  “Yeah. I’m okay. I just need to see him.”  She understands and suggests I do.  “I WILL!” I say,  “I am going to just go to *city where he lives* in October and surprise him!”  She says, “OKAY!”  My spirit lightens up at the thought.  “But would I look like a stalker?” I ask.  “Or WORST! A groupie!”  She laughs at me, “After all these years? I don’t think so!”  “So it is settled!” I say, “I am going to *city* in October over fall break!”  She wants to go, after all she does know him, hasn’t seen him in years, would love to see him again, but she has family obligations that will keep her from joining me!  “It’s okay.”  I assure her, “Elizabeth has already said she’d go.”  For a moment I am drawn into thinking I am really going to do this!  But only for a moment.

I call Arlene after tears pass. I decide SnowWhite is right, I am feeling sentimental.  I can’t tell you why, but I do!  Arlene doesn’t answer. I play Spider Solitaire.  A moment of quiet and losing focus.  Hubby calls in that moment.

“YOU’RE KIDDING?!” I say as he tells me he has had the day from h*ll!  Any sort of normal in his life has been shaken to the core today!  His transfer suddenly makes sense as today head’s rolled, jobs were lost, and hubby will more than likely take full control of this operation he is in.  He is in shock, really caring about the people involved, even over the possibility of a big promotion for him on Monday.  “Well, I guess we understand why they wouldn’t wait for me to sell my property for you to move.” I say, seeing the writing on the wall outside looking in.  He’s shook up.  It’s probably really flattering to him in the long run, but he can’t see that at the moment.  He’s a very honorable type guy, the thought he was transferred so that others would lose there jobs bothers him. How stable can it be for him he wonders?  And I wonder to myself what is going on in life? People are so angry and it seems to me SO many are shaken to the core!!!!

As I hang up, realizing that lately everything I think of as being stable really doesn’t exist anymore, I wonder where all of life is leading!  I grumble about so many things, I know I better just be grateful for where life is!  As I told Vicki earlier in my conversation,  “I need a MAJOR attitude adjustment!  Where is XXXX when I need him?  I just need to call him up and say,  “Hey, come here and give me an attitude adjustment!”  She laughs……..”I dare you!”  I laugh.  I guess I got an attitude adjustment just at the thought of, I mean I did stop grumbling to laugh, right?!  And now hubby just gave me more attitude adjustment by reminding me that things are just not stable anymore.  Where is it all leading?

Arlene returns my call as I am talking to hubby, but I can’t put hubby on hold whose whole world is shaken.  When we hang up, I call Arlene back. She too has earth-shattering news.  It’s EVERYWHERE I’m telling you! We begin to talk on life and meaning, and love, and woman’s intuition.  I get teary-eyed again as I touch my heart and this sentimental feeling of needing “him” today.  “What are you feeling Sunshine?”  So I tell her, “Then Sunshine, follow what you know.”  Arlene is intuitive.  She is a healer of sorts. A Dr. who also does intuitive healings.  She teaches me today that I really need to follow my inner sensing that is strongly pulling me to do something in particular. So I end up doing it. “There is a reason it is so strong in you today, don’t fight it, just follow it.”  It was a peaceful conversation.  When we hang up we have plans to meet in West Virginia in October.  What about me going to *city he lives*?  I could still go there too!!  The dates don’t cross.  I’m not letting go of hope that I just might bored a plane and do this!  Sometimes you just have to do things that make no sense.  At least in my heart I am finding peace thinking I am going to step WAY outside the box!

Life is about balance. I’ve spoken so much of hurt from Jason and Susie lately I have to speak of the opposite end of the spectrum. My other daughter-in-law, Emma. Both hubby and I got a card from her today. He got his own, I got my own.  “What on earth is she sending me a card for?” I wondered.  When I opened it, I discovered a “Grandparents Day Card.”  It was made with photos of Drew, Skylar, and Bree.  I had NO clue it was Grandparents Day?!  Emma made it SO special, including a note from Drew!  In my day of anxiousness and sentimental feelings, I suddenly let go of it all to take a look at the blessing I have in Emma.  Have I ever said how much I appreciate her?  So often the negative comes out, and here is the most awesome gift!!! HER!!!  Yes, life is balance!  I may have SO many challenges with Susie and Jason, but God has blessed me with such love from Emma.  I hope she knows how much this meant to me on a day I felt a bit sad.  And Drew!  Oh, how adorable he is getting!!!! So ADORABLE!

I just checked the weather forecast!  I was told it was going to rain all weekend, but I checked the beach where I am going!  Partly cloudy!!! High 80!!!!! *happy dance*  Oh yes! I AM going to the beach tomorrow!!! I will sit and listen to the waves and feel the breeze in my face, sand on my feet and I will get away from it all.  I am going to escape!!!!!  I SO can’t wait!!!! To just sit and feel and dream.  Pray too.  Feel God, feel the love I sometimes get so engulfed in busy-ness with that I don’t allow it to flow as it should. I will get back to the old me, at least for tomorrow as I sit, and know that today, in the end, I did something to follow my heart and reach out and touch someone I so GREATLY care about.  Hoping above hope that this person feels the love attached to the meaning.  But that is another story I think I will just plant in my heart tonight.  When I think of it, I suddenly feel true to me, the calling was so strong today, and I answered.  Fear or none, I answered.  And tonight I look up to God and I thank Him for the gift of faith I find when I look.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  *smiles*  May you be so surrounded in peace and beauty wherever you may be.  It’s true you know, I did think a lot about you today.  Was it a soul mate day?  Yeah, maybe.  The new photos touched such an array of emotions within me, *mp.. photos*……..it’s intense, ya know?  So I try to still my spirit and my soul and touch my heart with the belief that it is SO strong because of the connection we share.  I’ve learned so many times not to ask why. But I digress……..Why is there fear for both of us, yet an incredible draw to one another?  Arlene tells me those feelings are real. I believe it too.  You know how much I hope that you will tell me hi, but I’d never attach expectation to anything.  I just need so much to touch on the real wind of love…………help me to believe one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year……..if in fact you read this, feel it, feel it. It’s so intense, and yet, it is so filled of peace too.  Touch that which is real, one more time………touch that which is real.  Glad and Sorry……it makes me sentimental….because I remember what someone told me when that was once there……and yeah, I do believe I could show you a dream.  Won’t you let me?   No expectations, just an easy peaceful feeling of love,  always, love. I send you love and light,  I’m still here,  you’re still there and I miss something I never had.  Or did I have it?  Or do I?  The heart says yes, the head says I’m nuts, so, what do you say?  *crosses fingers*  Goodnight, Love, Sunshine