I have decided today that I am departing summer kicking and screaming all the way!  I’m not alone.  As I sat at the beach today, there were many others there with me.  It’s just not time to give it up, yet.  In my heart of hearts I know tho, within me there is and always will be an invincible summer.

I left early this morning for the beach.  I sensed hubby didn’t want to go, and I offered over and over to just stay home! I’ll call Vicki, believe me, she’ll be more than happy to go!  For whatever reason he felt some sort of obligation to go and wouldn’t be talked out of it.  He was grumpy leaving, grumpy on the ride there, back seat driving all the way, driving me nuts! But I was headed for the beach!! I ignored him as I prayed for another miracle of beach weather when I got there.  I drove through rain and fog, heavy fog at times.  And as was the last time I went in a lot of faith, it cleared about 15 minutes from the beach.  The remainder of the day stayed that way. I got my miracle.  The waves weren’t near as big this time, but that was okay too. I got in and swam today.  Cold, yes, but it felt good in the heat of the day.  Guess it rained most of the day here at home. I was living in my miracle. I came home tonight incredibly sunburned, this is a sign that the sun was blazing!  A miracle to say the least with all the rain around this area!

I think I took a new path today.  Lots of heavy duty stuff weighing on my mind the past few days, I once again lost focus.  Focus of what this journey I am on is all about.  Sometimes I SWEAR I hold on WAY, WAY too much to those things I shouldn’t!  As I sat on the beach asking God so many questions in my heart, I felt this release, “My child, let it go and see what comes to you and what doesn’t.  Why fear or worry about things that won’t change either way?  What have I told you?  Why do you only believe in that of which you see?”  A gentle, peaceful voice, bringing me back again to that of which I so treasure, letting go, letting God.  Yes, I needed reminding.  This was the place God could get my attention!  The power of the sea.  *Deep breaths*  And I’d swim and look out at the sea and the never-ending horizon you see when you are in this place.  It’s SO much bigger than me, why do I hold on so tightly?  I felt free. It continues tonight.

That being said, I also know that I hold some very strong beliefs at a very deep level.  I’ve always been such a believer in this twin soul thing. Now, I question it.  Just watching how some of these that believe they have met twin souls and the things they are believing and getting drug into just so they can hear what they want to hear breaks my heart.  The whole time the answers are buried deep within them, but they turn to any self-proclaimed guru that comes along.  Tonight it became more than I could bear. I deleted a site I’ve been involved with since 2003.  It has taken such a dark turn, I can’t do it anymore.  I feel free.  Letting go of those things I cannot change, and in the process questioning all those things I have come to believe through the years as well.  I know I have to go back to the basic issues within my own heart. My truth, that which has been planted so many, many years ago. There I will stay.  *deep breaths*  I feel sad, and yet a bit wiser too.

My time on the beach was wonderful! Hubby took off rock collecting, or whatever it was he was doing.  It was his day to have down time too. I was glad he entertained himself.  If I wasn’t swimming, I sat in my chair praying and meditating. I dozed.  A LOT! I must have been more tired than I thought!  The sound of the waves relaxes me more than anything else on earth.  That feeling remains as I write.

I did feed the seagulls. They remain very special to me, I love gulls!  I learned a lesson from the gulls today. I was feeding them tortilla chips.  All of them were afraid to take it out of my hand but one.  One single gull I decided was a risk taker!  I’d hold my hand up, he’d take off in flight and with such clear precision, he’d take that chip out of my fingers.  What a lesson!  How many people stand by in life afraid to move?  The risk taker tho, I decided, he is the one that gets the good of the land.  It was an awesome lesson I was learning as I connected with my risk-taking friend. It almost became a game with he and I.  The other gulls just stood and watched.  Never ever getting over their fear to try even once taking a chip from me. Hmmmm…….LESSONS!

I thought a lot about my job and how bad my attitude has been. I let that one go!  I’ve been SO determined to GET OUT OF THIS PLACE I AM IN that I began to be discontent with EVERY aspect of my life.  That was let go of today. I am where I am because this is where I am meant to be.  I watched the butterflies on the beach.  There were many today, amazingly enough!  How beautiful a butterfly is when you really sit and watch the design of their wings, and the coloring. So perfectly designed……and I remembered what someone once told me.  If the butterfly comes out of the cocoon BEFORE it’s time, it will not survive.  If it stays in the cocoon as it rots, it will not survive.  It must leave in the perfect timing.  *LIGHT FLASHES!*  I get it Lord!  No more complaining and above all NO MORE trying to make things happen because I am so weary of where I am.  More letting go………

The ride home was long and tiring. I find myself exhausted in the moment. I remembered another conversation I had with God today. I asked God if I should stop writing.  I had convinced myself today that it hasn’t really been soul mate here all this time, which made me even more weary.  Why did I suddenly question?  Long story, that goes back to ME figuring it all out in my head!  I was determined to not write anymore in the weariness.  So God asked me what my friend SnowWhite asked me yesterday, “Why do you write?”  (Ouch!  Ever have to be honest with not only God, but more importantly, yourself?)  I answered that question in all honesty, and realized, I had lost focus on why I do write.  And here I am tonight!!  Writing.  Yet, one more attitude adjustment God and I dealt with today!  I left the beach knowing that I have to continue to do what is supposed to be done whether it makes sense to me or not.  I continue to tell God I just want to be what He wants me to be, and He reminds me when I am not so busy trying to make my life happen and I am in the quiet gentle mode of trusting Him, I am a strong vessel He uses.  Enough said……I understood so many things today.  Back to basics! Back to faith! Back to being “just me………..”

On the beach, waves crashing, gulls crying, holding on to summer as long as I can knowing winter is quickly approaching, and yet even in that knowledge of something I don’t look forward to I will remember the lessons God taught me today, summer ending, letting go of the past, pressing forward to the future, God leading all the way……..

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Ouch. I think I got hurt, but I think it’s because I think too much and try to figure too many things out.  So I am back to being undecided if it is you here.  You know, or don’t know depending.  So what do I do about that? I asked today.  Gentleness resides, “What would you do if you thought I had arranged it that he and you did touch everyday?”  I felt the Spirit ask me. “I’d continue to reach out to him!”  Was my answer.  “Then do my child. Do that which you answer.”  It began yet MORE meditation!  Gesshhhh………I guess I had a LOT to learn today!  This journey to you, something that so deep within my heart I believe was always meant to be in the right time, has been an incredibly hard journey! But it has also taught me more than I ever thought I’d learn in this lifetime.  I keep thinking what Jesus taught, “To whom much is given, much is expected.”  And while I won’t go into long detail of what that means,  I will just assure you I do and will always believe we were given one HUGE gift.  I will always believe this, even if it was never you here, and in the end you never felt anything for me as I did you. I believe I was shown and knew that I was to reach out and love you with such unconditional love.  If I was wrong in that belief, then I did it with the most awesome love possible.  But if I did what I was supposed to do, then one day, I believe you will find me again and you will tell me that I did make a difference in your life. I will then look up towards heaven and thank God for giving me a heart for you………after all these years when I look in my heart, I have discovered this is what the journey is for.  The rest will probably be incredible fringe benefits!  But that is another story for another night! *winks*  I close sending you love and light. Please know I still believe in something so incredible and outside the box. Perhaps this is the risk taking I will do in my life, as the seagull today got most of the chips because he wasn’t afraid to open himself up, I do that with you my friend…….I hold my hand up every night believing you do fly by to take that which is so freely given.  In love and in faith.  I do care so very much about you, and that is because long ago God put you in my heart……..and there you will stay.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine