I don’t even know where to begin what this past week has brought me, or challenged me with.  I still maintain that when all h*ll breaks loose, it’s usually prior to the miracle occurring.  As if to test your endurance. Like a runner in a race right before crossing the finish line. Dark nights of the soul can last for a day, months, and even years or so I’ve read lately.  After a night of soggy tears, brought on by family member(s), once out, I find new strength to “carry on.”  Once I dry the eyes, having emptied out all that gets built up within me, I find new strength.

Wouldn’t it figure?  All this h*ll as of late and suddenly a big break of light comes flooding in!  As I was heading to bed last night I happened to check my email. I noticed that my “bulk” or “junk” mail had a new message in it. I’ve been monitoring this because I have often found job postings in there I was interested in. So I checked it out. It was the one I had hoped and prayed would respond! A company I had applied with in the city, actually it was the only.  It’s an accounting firm looking for an administrative assistant, part time, with a “sunny” personality.  The pay is supposed to be great for part time work.  They had sent me a list of questions to further evaluate my qualifications.  It required a lot of writing.  Did I love doing this or what? Only, I couldn’t do it last night. I was so drained and tired.  I spent most of this morning working on it, perfecting it, etc.  I think it turned out pretty good.  I wonder if this isn’t some sort of sign or guidepost, the scarecrow pointing, “THIS IS THE WAY ->”  showing me to go to the city.

After discussing with a few family members I had sent for the information on some condos in Florida, really seriously considering this option the past few days, I believe I’ve been shown this is not the order of those thing which are to come.  It’s been a heart-wrenching decision for me, believe me.  I have two options in life, follow my own plans and desires or stay on the path of which I believe I was pre-destined to be on.  I will remain here, moving to the city when this place sells. For a long time that was hard for me to accept. Now, it isn’t. I feel some sort of relief, tho I can’t say what that is?

I have decided that there are times those things we think we want and need aren’t really what is best for us at the time. It’s something I am learning at this time in my life.  For instance, “him.”  Soul Mate.  There have been times the past 7 years I thought my heart would break into a million pieces and I wondered if I’d ever be able to put it back together again. But I have.  Not on my own merit, but I think on God’s merit, that meaning the strength He gives me when I am so weak, and the love He surrounds me with when I screw up.  It started on Monday when hubby did the manipulation thing with me once again.  Sometimes he just has to play the emotional beat up on me game. Usually it’s when he is feeling insecure and blames me for his insecurities.  I felt so bad through it all. I always do. I take it on, beat myself up because I really can’t be what he wants me to be. He wants full control of it all, heart, soul, mind.  I can’t give him what he so longs for. I never could.  It is a source of madness with him I think and sometimes when he feels challenged or threatened he beats up on me. Not physically, tho sometimes I think that might be less painful, but mentally.  That was when I decided no more, I am moving to Florida.  But as always, he comes back the next day and is gentle and kind, apologetic, telling me I take it all too seriously.  It really is all I’ve known for 30 some years.  This time tho I felt differently, like I didn’t suffer the guilt I have because I don’t feel like I am supposed to feel. I began to realize more about myself in this latest rant he went on. I wish I could write here what I did in my personal journal but some things just need to remain quiet and only in my heart.

Just when I pulled it together with him comes the next family member who just never makes sense to me. That was dealt with last night. I sobbed, I cried, I got hurt so deep because hubby was probably right, I do take some things too seriously. Tears were still falling this morning as I awakened. I decided tho I am just hormonal.  Yeah, that is it.  I am taking things way too seriously these days.  But then there is a LOT going on in my world!  And the truth is, I do have this ovary thing that is probably causing some emotional issues too!

No one knows about this ovary issue in my family. I keep it a guarded secret not wanting to play upon the drama as SO many others in this family do.  I will go to the doctor, see what my next step is, and decide from that.  I will admit the past 4 or 5 days I have begun having some pain, so I am glad I am getting in next week.  I wonder if the pain is just stress, or has this cyst thing grown again? It’s probably just stress.

The darkness I have experienced the past few days has caused me to slow down finally.  The past few days have been relatively quiet and a time of prayer/meditation too.  In my mind’s eye I do believe I know which steps to take now, feeling as if I have a sense of the natural order of things to come. I’m still quiet and somber tonight, enjoying the meditation music playing in the background, but then I feel as if God saw I was close to all it was I could bear, and so He showed me the way to go, or the way He has planned it out.  And I have a spirit of peace in an exhausted sort of way.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate.  I am sending you love and light. In the darkness of the hour, in the seeking of the next chapter I still see your face and wish so very much you would have let me know.  Somewhere along the way just to let me know.  2 years since hearing a WORD from you is a very long time. I never lose hope, but I am growing to believe perhaps I have made it something it never was.  You just never let me know.  But as always it remains real in my heart and I still believe.  If you only knew how much I do believe.  Perhaps you do…………Goodnight,  All my heart,  Sunshine