This growing season continues.  I have really begun to believe that it is ALWAYS darkest before the dawn. A spiritual principle of how everything falls apart before the miracle.  Will I stand or will I fall?  Is not all of this faith I have professed through the years now what I must fall back upon?  Surely, it is.

Elizabeth emailed me today. You sound so sad.  I am.  Sure a lot of things happening to make me feel this way. A lot of happenings going on too of which I don’t write about for a lot of reasons!  I have pressure at the moment from so many sides! Do this, don’t do that, why did you and why didn’t you?  I went and sat in the hot tub tonight to talk to God. I really don’t know where to go and how to get there if I am supposed to go.  Things feel REALLY pressed at the moment.  And I think of those little sunflower seeds I planted a few weeks ago, now broken through the soil. How hard did they have to struggle to break through?  Is this where I am?

I worked today.  I work in diversity. A subject I for sure wasn’t all that familiar with, and a word I really didn’t care for. God has a sense of humor! Now I am there working in all aspects of it. Part of where He is sending me and teaching me I have decided. It’s a new world out there that’s for sure! One I didn’t grow up in for sure too.  I’m lucky tho as these lessons are being taught to me by my boss who I admire so much these days, and a co-worker who has made me understand some things I took for granted. I can see how this has played an important part of learning the lessons God wants me to learn before I leave this place called earth. Those lessons all equaling one simple thing……..love.

And I fail a lot of times. I know I do. The past few days I have been psychotic! Well, psychotic for me. An emotional wreck! Is it because of all the pressure I’ve been under the past month of so? Or is it feeling abandoned by family?  Or is it the impending storm I feel coming globally?  To be honest, I think it’s a lot of all of the above!  The last explosion came tonight on hubby.  Everyone around me can see stuff that I probably know exists, but so often my religious convictions beg me to overlook what needs to be seen. In the end I apologize to him, realizing in his own way he does the best he can.  As I’ve so often said, where would I go from here?

After work I came home from work, got on the internet where I looked again at places in Florida, switching from the east coast to the west. Wondering!  How, where?  What?  Oh the questions if I try to really visualize myself doing this!  Would I be running or would I be following my heart?  I’ve always said you don’t leave because of any other reason than you have nothing left to give.  Apparently I’m not there. Or else fear keeps me grounded? Or is that wisdom?  What impending global storm is in fact coming on the horizon that I sense, know?  A storm! Talk to most people, everyone feels it!  And I’m sorry, but there is NO politician that is going to be able to stop it! This is a spiritual battle about to be waged. We humans are just pawns in the overall picture of it all.  Where these words come from I have NO idea!  But as is true a lot of nights, I know I must leave them…………

It should be a happy time in my life, I’d think.  The prospects of writing a book and having it published. I’ve gathered the courage this past year to make changes, one step at a time. You know! Job, sale of property, some travels, letting kids go, holding on at the same time.  It really should be a happy time…….so when all is said and done as I pray, in the end, I thank God, because a heart of gratitude seems to bring in love and light.  And the impending storm I speak of?  I am always held in the palm of His hand and within the shadow of His wings.  See!  Love and light found in the ominous wave that is sweeping……somewhere?

On a much lighter note, today was Emma, my daughter-in-law’s birthday.  Did I feel silly or what?  I called her to wish her a happy one and guess what? I always send the kids a check representing however old they are.  I SWORE she turned 27 today!  So, a check in a beautiful daughter-in-law card, representing how I truly do feel about her, of $27 was sent. Ops! She turned 28!  As I talked to her tonight I told her I owed her a $1.  “I’ll pay you in St. Louis!” An upcoming trip we are to take in a couple weeks.  She laughed at me assuring me it was okay.  See, I’m really not a “monster-in-law.”  A little psychotic as of late, but far from monster! I hope?

Tomorrow I am off. I’m glad. Pete chewed a hole in my living room carpet, right in the smack dab middle!  It’s not like we’re trying to have this place in tip top shape or anything because I’m trying to sell it! *rolls eyes* So tomorrow the carpet place will come and patch it for me.  I’m glad they can patch it, vs. having to put whole new carpet down to the tune of about $1500!  As it is I am having to put a new roof on this house to the tune of thousands of dollars to bring it up to sellable status.  There is talk of painting the rental houses as well. Money, money!  My cousin, the one who left here after renting for a couple years, leaving owing me tons of money once told my friend Dave that if he needed money just go out in my backyard, it grows on my trees there.  Yeah, right, whatever?!  He had no clue how I pray each and everyday for wisdom.  Right now it seems I am REALLY being crunched tho.  Hey, can’t take it with you when you go, right?

Now I will head to bed. I still feel the heaviness of something.  Wish I could put my finger on what it is, but I have a feeling it’s more a time thing. A sort of season thing.  It’s just that darkest before the dawn time.  So I am simply being still, when I’m not psychotic anyway, and trying to listen and gently trust.  Trust that God is doing something in me and I am simply trying to break through the soil of this new whatever He is growing me into.  At least I hope it’s that simple?

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  So glad you haven’t seen me the past couple of days! OMG!! Not a pretty sight for sure!  I’m trying to do the best one can on this journey of life thing, and putting you into perspective at the same time.  Do I succeed?  Of course I don’t!  I still hold you in my heart and when I feel so sad I take you out, hug you, look at you and so wish I could see you.  Then, I put you back, and pat you from time to time just to make sure you are still there. You are, and always will be.  Ever wonder why? I mean think about it!  Do you ever wonder why I feel like I do?  Me too!  I honestly don’t understand it, but for some reason it is so real………something to do with a plan or something, of this I know.  And NO, it is NOT because of the music.  Music?  Do you play music?  *laughs*  Oh yeah! You’re one of the most talented musicians I know!  Wait a minute?  You’re the ONLY real musician I know! LOL.  So much for me being a groupie, huh?  See! It’s about you silly!  But I think you finally know that, and I really couldn’t ask for more. I send you love and light. Thanks for making me smile in this moment.  But it seems to me you always do.  Making sense or not, it is what it is……and it’s special.  Goodnight you!  Love ya,  Sunshine