I open tonight just finishing some really special moments with the Lord. Lately, well since I had a huge breakdown earlier this week, I’ve been back on track to looking up, regardless of what is going on around me. I like looking up a WHOLE lot better than looking around at the waves that surround me sometimes.

Why do these days feel odd to me?  Is it atmospheric, do others feel it as well?  Things even look different to me and I mean that in a physical way. I’m just not seeing things the way I used to. I see things differently. Sometimes it feels negative, other times it seems touching, like the tree where I work.  It’s right outside the door I go into when I work. The shape of the tree is incredible. I’d never really noticed it before last week, but one of those mornings when I was going through some things, I had just gotten through with my morning prayer time which happens on the way to work. I felt as if God said, “Look at that tree.”  So I did. It had the most beautiful blossoms of white with baby pink buds scattered throughout the blossoms. It was breathtaking!  I then noticed it was in the shape of a bride’s bouquet.  The Lord whispered to me, “You are the bride of Christ.”  And here as proof was this tree in the shape of a bouquet of whites and pinks. I guess most would find that weird or something, but for me, I was so touched and humbled. I think I walked down the long hall to the other side where my office is just saying thank you.  For a moment I saw things so differently as I realized God had just told me I was special.  It was one of those seeing something that touched me. Now, the next few days the negativity returned, but for the remainder of the week the tree stood as my reminder. It had deep meaning for me.  I noticed today the white blossoms have now faded and the tree is soon to shed. I said another word of thanks that for a week I was  being prepared to be His bride.  Tonight, in the quiet, with some praise music playing in the background, I am so grateful that sometimes He lets me see beyond.

I did work today.  Jane and I had a lot of time to talk as our boss nor Felicia was in today. That is good and it isn’t. I always feel bad when my nose isn’t to the grindstone. I made up for it this afternoon by doing double duty.  Then a representative from a book company came in to work with me on possible new textbooks. Somehow we got on the subject of me writing a book. She had all sorts of insights for me on how to get my book published.  Unfortunately she only does textbooks, but was very interested in the content of the story. When I told her it was a journey of soul mates who find one another and for whatever reason are unable to be together at the time, how they end up finding how they can touch each other’s lives from the distance and hope and pray for one another until their day, one day does come.  I always explain how everyone thinks soul mates are supposed to walk off hand in hand, but where’s the story and growing in that?  She seemed as most do, intrigued. A new release on soul mates! She had me fired up again, especially after Arthur had that prophetic word for me last night. I am taking this as serious signs it IS time to get this book done!  I came home and went back to writing.  Guess what?!  Chapter 3 is DONE!  LOL!! I struggled on this chapter for a very long time!  Finally it is done and I am well into Chapter 4 now.  I feel fired up!

As I was writing Joey, my renter, had his appointment with my realtor/friends.  They called excited. Everyone is excited! It really does look promising.  Why do I suddenly feel a bit sad, or scared even?  Is change supposed to feel this way? Especially THIS huge of a change?  We should know something by the end of the week, or the beginning of next week.  There is an outside possibility too that his mom may want to purchase the other rental.  Both at once?  And of course Arthur really wants to rent my house.  Wasn’t it just Tuesday I finally told God that I didn’t care, open or close doors as necessary.  Suddenly I see open doors once I really, truly let it go?!

Amy called too during my writing time.  “Mom, what’s this I hear you’re out there making people cry?”  My first thought was someone read one of my journals or something, but I remembered I had sent a very special gift to Chad’s parents after Chad’s grandma died.  I sent a personalized blanket with the most beautiful saying, and then had it personalized in memory of…… The funeral was yesterday. It didn’t make it in time for that, but I guess when they opened it today they were SO touched they cried.  Actually, I think the word was sobbed.  I had looked for something special, after all they sent the wind chimes when hubby’s brother died in February. Everytime I hear them I think of him, so I figured when they cover up with this they will remember grandma.  I was glad they were so touched. I truly did search for something different.

Tomorrow I will go to the house I think I will probably put an offer on. Am I doing the right thing?  Is this wisdom?  A huge part of me says yes, but then a small part of me says, “What are you doing?”  So I pray and I keep telling God, send me, keep me here, do whatever it is you have planned for me.  And then there is that still, small place in my heart that thinks of “him,” Soul Mate.  What would he tell me to do?  Maybe nothing when I think of it, but still all the same I have these feelings sometimes he sits there and reads where I am and whispers his thoughts to me. I wish I could hear them.  Would I do something different if I could?

I also have that all-important doctor appointment for my ovary tomorrow. I SO don’t want to have to have surgery, but on the other hand it is beginning to cause me problems and I want it taken care of. So, I will go in the morning to that appointment. I really hope I wake up in time to go to the pool and swim at 7:30 in the morning again.  I like those times and to be honest, when I was such a mess earlier in the week, and went to the pool on Tuesday morning, that was when I finally let everything go. Once and for all, really let it go.  Now look!  whole new direction seems to be happening.  Yeah, I need the pool in the morning. I need God more than anything right now and it seems He and I can meet in the pool and solve all these issues.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I wish with all my heart I could express to you how tough it is writing out our story.  All the emotions felt that night we met is incredible.  Over 7 years later the emotions and the strength I felt that night remains so strong.  I’ve tried so many times to make it just “one of those things” but try as I may, it continues to be so much more.  Like finding everything you’ve ever looked for all your life, only to have to let it go.  As I was writing of it today, Chapter 3 being the night we first fell into one another’s arms, I wondered if there was anything we could have done different that night that might have changed the outcome. Then I thought to myself it wasn’t meant to be that night, we were only meant to find one another. Talk about a dark time in my life!  You showing up when you did gave me so much strength to go back and face what I had to face.  Oh the painful days ahead of me with the battle of my mom’s cancer, and somehow I always felt you near.  Yes, I am writing how you showed up when I probably did need it most.  Yet, strong as I try to remain even today can I confess something to you?  Not a day goes by that I don’t wish with all my heart I could see you.  Be in your arms again.  Talk to you, discover what it is we’ve yet to discover. It’s like we’ve only touched the smallest part of what it really is. Oh, I’m getting too romantic tonight and I don’t mean to.  It’s just what I feel when I relive, through journals and our story where I’ve been with you. I want to go a lot further………but how? And when?  Will it be as real as I think it is?  What would you tell me about where I’m at?  What would I tell you about where you are?  Two souls so connected and yet so far apart. I felt you so much today. It was just one of those days. I send you love and light.  And a dream to touch. That dream is and always will be of you.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

God's Bouquet