Monday, June 29, 2009  10:04pm

My energy is beyond spent tonight.  I’ve run myself ragged today!  It began early this morning when Dell had to have a stress test on his heart.  His doc suspects blockage, tho I know in my heart there isn’t one.  But, I’m not a doctor and he needs to take medical advice. I was required to go with him. These days they don’t have you do the treadmill as much as they did, these days they shoot meds into an IV that speeds your heart up to max rate, then they do what looks like an MRI.  Someone is required to be waiting, “in case.”  Dell did fine.

Then it was on to meet Jane for lunch and the latest discussion of the sale of my property. We are on hold, but felt assured all would be well.

From the restaurant I took Dell home, then I headed out to get my hair cut, or should I say, “trimmed.”  I’m so glad I got that few minutes of relaxation, the day was still well ahead of me.

Next, back home to get Dell. We had to head to a small town south of here to find out about financing a new house.  If all goes well I had made appointments tomorrow in the city and believe I know which house I will choose.  I needed to make sure all my “I”s were dotted and my “t”s crossed.  It was a great appointment!  The loan officer and I just seemed to hit it off from the beginning as we found ourselves talking about a lot of things.  The meeting went well and it looks as if there should be no problem getting new financing for the house I’m hoping to buy. I left smiling, the flow was so nice.

Dell and I headed out to a nice dinner afterwards at a legendary restaurant not far from the town we were in, and yet definitely not on the way home either. It was so worth it tho.  I was glad for the relaxation I felt there. Loan seemingly no problem, waiting for the acceptance of my counter offer, which their realtor felt ascertain was coming, all seemed to be falling into place.  Peace and serenity all around.

The drive home was long. I was still driving as Dell was totally not in much shape to do much the rest of the day.  I myself was so tired.

My cell phone rang.  It was a cousin from my dad’s side.  Apparently they got invitations to a baby shower for Emma on Sunday which Amy is hosting.  I could go into details about how horrified I was about this, but won’t.  Some things need to remain in one’s heart on a personal level, and not be shared.  I was very touched that both she and my aunt will be attending the shower, but it also opened up a huge can of worms and I sat down and cried.  Sometimes the past is better left there.  It’s the first time I’ve seen any of my family members on my dad’s side for about 3 years.  Am I ready?  Wasn’t it last night I closed the journal talking about how it was finally good to be “me?”  Do you think God takes us at our word and then opens up a door that we must walk through to really find out perhaps there is yet more healing needed?  I keep singing my new theme song!  Still, there is a flood of hurt buried within me that doesn’t spring to the top, unless, I am forced to open the can…………………..tonight, I was.

No more did I pull myself together as I kept singing “Make Your Own Kind of Music” than I checked my email to find another offer had come in from our potential buyers. The email from my realtor expressed how bad this offer was and told me to look it over, but to sit down first.  I knew this meant things were no longer flowing as I thought they would.  I opened it, read it, and just hung my head.  It is RIDICULOUS what they are trying to do. I wondered why they wasted their realtor’s time, my realtor’s time, and MY time?  Forget emailing back,  I pick up the phone and call my realtor.  “No way HOSEA!  There is no, no, no way!  You just need to call their realtor and tell them that they need to move on from here, obviously they are not the right buyers for this place. I suggest they try to find a place that isn’t waterfront property.”  I meant it. No matter how much I am ready to move on, I’m not desperate!  If it isn’t flowing the way I feel it needs to be, then I take that as a closed door and I’m not messing with you anymore.  This time it wasn’t their realtor!  She seems to now understand the value of the place and has come a long way.  I guess they just think it’s a buyer’s market and buyers can do what they want.  Nope!  Not in this case. I’ve bent over backwards to try to help them get this done. They pushed too far tonight.  They either accept my counter offer as is, or it is time for all of us to move on.

I didn’t even cry over this. I can’t even say I felt disappointed. I’m in business mode now and big girls don’t cry!  LOL!! Well, unless you’re talking me and I tend to be way too weepy.  My realtor plans to re-present my last counter offer, it stands as is, if you can’t go with it, then it is time to move on.  So tomorrow is another day and WHO knows what it will bring. Either an empty promise that never happened, or something new to show.  Either way I know everything is temporal and someday, sometime, something new will eventually show. I hope it’s tomorrow, but if it isn’t, well, I’ve suffered lots of other disappointing things on this journey thing called life, and it seems I always come out a bit stronger after I finally find peace in the midst of it.

Tomorrow will be yet one more busy day!  I’m scheduled to see two houses, one Dell likes, the other the same one I think we will end up buying if something all falls into place here.  Jane is going with me.  Jason called tonight and asked if we’d pick up Elizabeth.  This is a first!  I’ve not yet picked her up from daycare.  I can’t believe she is 4 months old already!  I will pick her up, then Jason will meet us at the first house we are scheduled to see.   This is the first time he has gone to showings with us in a very long time.  I’m glad he is.  Of course Amy and the girls will be there, and Jane.  I feel so blessed to have so many going out of their way to look with us. It means a lot.

I haven’t talked about the twin soul story for awhile.  I’m in such a good place with that, having finally accepted it is where it is.  It doesn’t mean I still don’t think about him, A LOT, but it does mean I am able to go on with life for now trusting with all my heart if it is meant to be one day it will.  I absolutely feel so free with all my thoughts on this right now, actually believing I have touched his life as much as he mine.  It remains a very gentle, and unexplainable story………one that will one day be written into a book.  Someday!  When  I am all moved, and life slows down a bit.  Ever think it will?

Even in the midst of the tears of having to face past hurts that aren’t healed, I realize that it is obviously something being brought to my attention so that I can peel away yet one more layer that doesn’t allow me to be totally free in my life!  I’d just like to know tho why it is SO painful to have to face the past sometimes?  I think tho that God wants me to be as free as I am meant to and in order to do that, sometimes you have to lose a whole lot of excess baggage, and peel a whole lot of layers away.  And here I go, one more layer about to be peeled! But I think in my heart, that’s a good thing.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on,.

Goodnight,

~Sunshine

GNTS:  Never forgotten, always near, just put in that box in my heart tucked nicely away for one day to come.  Till then, I live life, I touch you when I can, and send you the most incredible love and light to your life, even through the space and distance.  Forever and always…….don’t forget, okay?  Goodnight ~ just me