I’ve been so bad about writing lately. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, because my heart longs to be here every night, it’s just that I continue to find myself coming and going.  I have been so bad about my spiritual times with God too as of late, and it’s not that I don’t long to have those times back either, it’s just that I am coming and going all the time! *broken record*  It needs to slow down! I promised myself in my new house it would, but thus far, I am breaking my promise.  Surely as I finish “unpacking,” decorating, and making it “home” I will find the time to do what my heart longs for.

It’s really hard too working at the university still.  A 3 hour drive on Monday, and working 8 hours really wipes me out!  I come home and all I want to do is be still.  But my kids continue to be so happy I am here they usually come around.  On Tuesdays when I don’t work I try to get everything done that needs done. This past Tuesday I finally got my dining room organized,  that was while the security system technician installed the new security alarm.  They tell me the new county of which I live has virtually no crime, so I’m probably one of the few that installs a security alarm, but since I was broken into a few years ago, I will always have a security alarm from now on out.  So as he installed, I organized the dining room. Now all I have left for the most part is the upstairs. 

On Wednesdays I try to leave super, super early, like by 5:45am.  That puts me at work by 7:15am……work all day, stay at Jane’s overnight, then up and back to work on Thursdays for half a day.  If I have business in my hometown, I do it on Thursday afternoons after lunch with Jane.  Then home. Friday, it’s trying to get done all I didn’t get done during the week.  And of course, catch up on rest time from all I did during the week. *sighs*

Work has been particularly crazy this week. My boss knowing I am leaving I think is pushing even harder to get everything done.  I find myself tired and perhaps a bit grumpy from the 1.5 hour drive just to get to work.  A job I can’t say I’m really crazy about, but feel as if I am there for a greater purpose. If you asked my boss, she’d tell you that was for sure.  Now tho, she says we’ll always be friends, so she’s okay with me quitting.  I just need to give that final date.  Why does this scare me?  The loss of benefits perhaps? The uncertainty of where I am going next? It sure has me pondering!

Last night after Jane and I hit one of our favorite craft/country stores and went to dinner, Jane asked me if I’d help her with her homework for a Bible Study class she is taking. I’m excited that she is doing this!  We spent a couple hours going through her questions and me explaining so many things to her to try to really help her grasp the concept of what the word of God is really teaching.  The Bible is SO alive to me that if you get me going, you will find I never shut up and I go on and on about stories that fascinate me SO much!  Poor Jane!  Here she thought she was intruding on me to help her, but little did she know how MUCH it helped me!  Because I have had so little spiritual times lately, it put a fire in my heart.  She assured me when we were finished that this was why she wanted me to help because she knew she’d understand it if I helped her.  But the thing was I learned as much too!!  It really was a very awesome time with God at the center.

It really got me thinking!  My faith in God is so great that even tho I have some trepidation about leaving the university, when I look up I realize that God has something else planned!  As I was driving to work this morning, still fired up from all I had shared with Jane last night, it dawned on me I REALLY, REALLY would like to go back to school……..Bible school.  Really!!  There is one about 30 minutes from my house now!  Or perhaps head to the city university and take some psychology classes?  Perhaps both places?  I know that there are a lot of grants out there for older students, perhaps I could find some funds to not only send me back to school but to pay me for doing it. They tell me they’re out there.  Would this be feasible?  And what would I do with a theology degree?  I can’t see pasturing a church!  Nope, I think I’m too out of the box for that! But I would love to do spiritual counseling?  There’s something I’m just not seeing, but perhaps what that something is………is………………I’m supposed to be writing.  Perhaps these classes I envision taking would enhance the writing?  And I ramble………….

I’m looking…………always looking to get to where it is I am supposed to be going; tho I have a feeling I am already where it is I am meant to be on the way to there. That really does make sense, honest.

My drive home today was very long. It was rainy and dreary and the interstate was cram-packed.  I slowed down a bit, listened to some talk radio, some Christian music, and then some “classic hits” radio station where “Stairway To Heaven” was on.  Quite a variety for a 1.5 hour drive. I was just glad to be going home.  Before I left town after lunch with Jane, then a trip to another one of our favorite craft/country stores, where I spent WAY too much money, I remembered what I had forgotten to do when I was in town.  I had to go buy my 19-year old cat food.  I have to buy the expensive prescription food you can only get from a vet’s office.  From the country store it would mean I would have to drive right by my old family property.  I felt sick to my stomach, but decided I had to do it.  Know what?  I drove by not feeling one bit sentimental as I passed the long lane back to the houses I once owned.  I honestly had no pangs of sadness or regret. I realized how much I love my new house, as well as living where I do now. It was almost as if it was a gentle way of realizing how much I have now moved on.  It felt so good to be free!  That was coupled with the dream I had the other night of my mom, where she appeared in the dream and was mad at me because I had moved on without her.  I kept explaining to her she was more than welcome to come with me, but I couldn’t stay.  I don’t remember how the dream ended, but I think, I moved on. Perhaps it was my way of truly being free……….finally.

I finally arrived home after the long drive, hung some of my new things I bought on my shopping trips with Jane, felt so at home in my new place, and realized what a very gentle, peaceful spirit I have right now, of which I keep telling God thank you!  So much, thank you!!  And my doorbell rang………..

It was the first of two contractors I have contacted to get bids on adding on a master bedroom suite.  Oh my gosh!  Was he gorgeous or what?!  Eyes that saw right through you, and a smile to die for!  I got his name from Amy, who works with his mom.  He and a partner came in as I began to tell them what I was envisioning, and what I hoped would be my budget.  Well, obviously I had to lose some of my envisioning, or spend WAY more money than I want to on this project!  But you know, he was SO cute, I was disappointed in a good way! *laughs*  Actually he and his partner are going to go back and draw up some plans with a final estimated cost.  He’ll get back with me when I get back from Florida.  The next guy who will bid will be here Tuesday evening.  LOL, Jane will be here for that consultation, and Jane has experience!  Too bad she missed tonight’s meeting!  I REALLY, REALLY liked these guys, and NOT just because they were candy for the eyes!  They really had ideas and seemed to listen to what it was I wanted.

Speaking of Florida!  Yes, crazy as this sounds, and with life as crazy as it is at the moment, I am going to Florida.  I will leave a week from tomorrow for a week. This is the trip we have had planned with Chad and Amy and the girls for almost the whole year!  We have 4 days of Disney tickets to use, I need the beach, and well, I probably need to get away too.  If only for a week, I think the break will do me good.

And with heavy eyes, I think I will close, drag myself up the stairs and fall into  bed. Having not been home for a couple days I am reminded how wonderful it is to sleep in my own bed.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

GNTS:  I seldom dream of you anymore, but if I do, man, they are so clear and meaningful to me! I had a dream of you last night.  You are always so close and you seem to appear to remind me of so many things.  When you are near, I always feel as I always did when you were near me in real time.  Even tho I really don’t know that much about you, why do I feel as if I know so much?  Have I created some sort of illusion or is this something that can’t be explained?  I only know that no matter how hard I try to “let go” or “not let go” it really doesn’t matter because in the end, it continues to be.  Could words really explain what I feel so deep, deep on the inside of something I don’t understand?  Probably not, but when the dreams come, in the dream, I seem to completely understand it. It’s warm, it’s peaceful, it’s the most real thing I’ve ever known………and then, I wake up, only to feel it from within, tho from without it seems so unbelievable.  And that is what I would say to you tonight……….. if only………………………….Goodnight ~just me.