I open tonight just finishing some really special moments with the Lord. Lately, well since I had a huge breakdown earlier this week, I’ve been back on track to looking up, regardless of what is going on around me. I like looking up a WHOLE lot better than looking around at the waves that surround me sometimes.

Why do these days feel odd to me?  Is it atmospheric, do others feel it as well?  Things even look different to me and I mean that in a physical way. I’m just not seeing things the way I used to. I see things differently. Sometimes it feels negative, other times it seems touching, like the tree where I work.  It’s right outside the door I go into when I work. The shape of the tree is incredible. I’d never really noticed it before last week, but one of those mornings when I was going through some things, I had just gotten through with my morning prayer time which happens on the way to work. I felt as if God said, “Look at that tree.”  So I did. It had the most beautiful blossoms of white with baby pink buds scattered throughout the blossoms. It was breathtaking!  I then noticed it was in the shape of a bride’s bouquet.  The Lord whispered to me, “You are the bride of Christ.”  And here as proof was this tree in the shape of a bouquet of whites and pinks. I guess most would find that weird or something, but for me, I was so touched and humbled. I think I walked down the long hall to the other side where my office is just saying thank you.  For a moment I saw things so differently as I realized God had just told me I was special.  It was one of those seeing something that touched me. Now, the next few days the negativity returned, but for the remainder of the week the tree stood as my reminder. It had deep meaning for me.  I noticed today the white blossoms have now faded and the tree is soon to shed. I said another word of thanks that for a week I was  being prepared to be His bride.  Tonight, in the quiet, with some praise music playing in the background, I am so grateful that sometimes He lets me see beyond.

I did work today.  Jane and I had a lot of time to talk as our boss nor Felicia was in today. That is good and it isn’t. I always feel bad when my nose isn’t to the grindstone. I made up for it this afternoon by doing double duty.  Then a representative from a book company came in to work with me on possible new textbooks. Somehow we got on the subject of me writing a book. She had all sorts of insights for me on how to get my book published.  Unfortunately she only does textbooks, but was very interested in the content of the story. When I told her it was a journey of soul mates who find one another and for whatever reason are unable to be together at the time, how they end up finding how they can touch each other’s lives from the distance and hope and pray for one another until their day, one day does come.  I always explain how everyone thinks soul mates are supposed to walk off hand in hand, but where’s the story and growing in that?  She seemed as most do, intrigued. A new release on soul mates! She had me fired up again, especially after Arthur had that prophetic word for me last night. I am taking this as serious signs it IS time to get this book done!  I came home and went back to writing.  Guess what?!  Chapter 3 is DONE!  LOL!! I struggled on this chapter for a very long time!  Finally it is done and I am well into Chapter 4 now.  I feel fired up!

As I was writing Joey, my renter, had his appointment with my realtor/friends.  They called excited. Everyone is excited! It really does look promising.  Why do I suddenly feel a bit sad, or scared even?  Is change supposed to feel this way? Especially THIS huge of a change?  We should know something by the end of the week, or the beginning of next week.  There is an outside possibility too that his mom may want to purchase the other rental.  Both at once?  And of course Arthur really wants to rent my house.  Wasn’t it just Tuesday I finally told God that I didn’t care, open or close doors as necessary.  Suddenly I see open doors once I really, truly let it go?!

Amy called too during my writing time.  “Mom, what’s this I hear you’re out there making people cry?”  My first thought was someone read one of my journals or something, but I remembered I had sent a very special gift to Chad’s parents after Chad’s grandma died.  I sent a personalized blanket with the most beautiful saying, and then had it personalized in memory of…… The funeral was yesterday. It didn’t make it in time for that, but I guess when they opened it today they were SO touched they cried.  Actually, I think the word was sobbed.  I had looked for something special, after all they sent the wind chimes when hubby’s brother died in February. Everytime I hear them I think of him, so I figured when they cover up with this they will remember grandma.  I was glad they were so touched. I truly did search for something different.

Tomorrow I will go to the house I think I will probably put an offer on. Am I doing the right thing?  Is this wisdom?  A huge part of me says yes, but then a small part of me says, “What are you doing?”  So I pray and I keep telling God, send me, keep me here, do whatever it is you have planned for me.  And then there is that still, small place in my heart that thinks of “him,” Soul Mate.  What would he tell me to do?  Maybe nothing when I think of it, but still all the same I have these feelings sometimes he sits there and reads where I am and whispers his thoughts to me. I wish I could hear them.  Would I do something different if I could?

I also have that all-important doctor appointment for my ovary tomorrow. I SO don’t want to have to have surgery, but on the other hand it is beginning to cause me problems and I want it taken care of. So, I will go in the morning to that appointment. I really hope I wake up in time to go to the pool and swim at 7:30 in the morning again.  I like those times and to be honest, when I was such a mess earlier in the week, and went to the pool on Tuesday morning, that was when I finally let everything go. Once and for all, really let it go.  Now look!  whole new direction seems to be happening.  Yeah, I need the pool in the morning. I need God more than anything right now and it seems He and I can meet in the pool and solve all these issues.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I wish with all my heart I could express to you how tough it is writing out our story.  All the emotions felt that night we met is incredible.  Over 7 years later the emotions and the strength I felt that night remains so strong.  I’ve tried so many times to make it just “one of those things” but try as I may, it continues to be so much more.  Like finding everything you’ve ever looked for all your life, only to have to let it go.  As I was writing of it today, Chapter 3 being the night we first fell into one another’s arms, I wondered if there was anything we could have done different that night that might have changed the outcome. Then I thought to myself it wasn’t meant to be that night, we were only meant to find one another. Talk about a dark time in my life!  You showing up when you did gave me so much strength to go back and face what I had to face.  Oh the painful days ahead of me with the battle of my mom’s cancer, and somehow I always felt you near.  Yes, I am writing how you showed up when I probably did need it most.  Yet, strong as I try to remain even today can I confess something to you?  Not a day goes by that I don’t wish with all my heart I could see you.  Be in your arms again.  Talk to you, discover what it is we’ve yet to discover. It’s like we’ve only touched the smallest part of what it really is. Oh, I’m getting too romantic tonight and I don’t mean to.  It’s just what I feel when I relive, through journals and our story where I’ve been with you. I want to go a lot further………but how? And when?  Will it be as real as I think it is?  What would you tell me about where I’m at?  What would I tell you about where you are?  Two souls so connected and yet so far apart. I felt you so much today. It was just one of those days. I send you love and light.  And a dream to touch. That dream is and always will be of you.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

God's Bouquet

Tonight I sit on my deck, fountain flowing, frogs and crickets now awakened after a winter’s slumber, and a nice evening breeze enticing me to embrace the moment.  Obviously my mood is a bit better tonight after having gone through some really challenging times the past few days.

I was in the pool swimming by 7:30 this morning. I’m not sure I ever thought I could swim laps that early, but I know if I can JUST make myself get there, I will benefit greatly.  The dock for my ipod had a cord that has shorted out so I’m not able to have music. I was disappointed about it, but in the end though about the quality time I could spend with God.  Talking and being still to listen.  When I awakened this morning I knew today must be spent focusing on Him, and trying to get a bit more direction of where it is I should go.

I still have a lot of heavy things weighing in on my mind.  Not that fear is a part of what I am feeling about times beginning to get darker and darker, but wisdom is.  Has God stopped me moving anyplace because of what is to come?  These were the questions I needed to ask Him. I needed wisdom.  In the end it came down to something very simple.  Trusting He will open and close doors as necessary.  By the time I got through with my hour workout, I honestly did have a better frame of mind going for me.

I thought about this newest house that I think would be perfect for me. Yeah, at one time I called it dream house, but really houses can’t be dreams. Once you move in, eventually you will become complacent. I think it happens to all of us.  But for now, to be honest if I was going to dream of a house all these years, this one would be close to what I would have dreamed. Well, with the exception of a log cabin or one of those beautiful places on the Atlantic in Kitty Hawk. See!  There is always something better to be dreamed of.  But for here and now, this house seems to fill all that I want, for now.  The swimming pool this time of year would be wonderful!  I could simply walk out of my kitchen onto the deck and into the pool to work out.  No more driving to a health club!  Gosh, the world is falling apart at the seams and I think of a swimming pool?  I guess I have to continue living and those dreams or things we hold important in our hearts have a purpose.

The rest of the day was spent a lot of the day in listening, talking, and constant focus upon God.  I really did begin to feel some better.  Why am I one that lets it build and build, then I explode, then I fall apart, then I go where I should have gone before it ever built and built. Ugh!  Gosh this human journey isn’t easy! *bangs head*

I sunbathed a lot of the morning after my swim, still talking to God. I didn’t even listen to music!  Just a silent meditation of me talking, Him listening, Him talking, me listening. I love these times!  The carpet people came about mid-way through my time in the sun and repaired my carpet.  One thing down of the gazillion yet to be done!

When I was finished sunbathing I headed to town to do a bunch of errands. I actually shopped for a minute but I was having one of those, “I hate my body” days. Nothing looked or felt good. I headed for the grocery store to purchase a couple things I forgot the other day.  Anyone notice how HIGH groceries are going now?  OMG!  I swear prices go up with each and every trip I make! *gasps*  Elizabeth called me as I was entering. I got so caught up in talking to her I lost track of what it was I went in for.  I did the best I could, of course forgetting some stuff and headed home.

My realtor/friend called while I was talking to Elizabeth I guess.  There’s some real stuff going on, some real possibilities of at least one house selling.  Open doors? Closed doors? What do I do now?  Those type things that had to be discussed. Anyway, I have gotten involved. One of my renters, a young kid of about 23 REALLY wants to buy one of the house he now rents from me but has procrastinated calling my Realtors. So, I get involved. They now have an appointment tomorrow. In the meantime I have an appointment to go see the house I think I may be interested in purchasing on Thursday (yeah, this latest dream house).  Amy will meet us there.  Will I make an offer?  Will my renter be approved for a loan? How will all this play out?  Are these closed doors?  What about my house? What about the other rental?  Faith!  I’m really not going to fret about any of this I decided!

Enter Arthur.  Who is Arthur?  Arthur is a 22-year old African American male, (description is used to help one picture Arthur), who was visiting my renter when I went over to get the appointment set up.  Arthur walked out of the garage as I was walking in.  “Hi, is Joey here?” I ask.  “Yeah, and who are you?”  Arthur asked. I explained as he put out his hand to shake mine. I immediately liked Arthur.  He and I began talking and talking while Joey went in to call the Realtors.  Before I knew it we were on subjects I had no idea how we got there. I told him my aspirations of finishing this book. Of course the first question was what was the content of the book. When I tell him the journey of soul mates he was FASCINATED!  He immediately began to tell me the story he is living.  Before long Joey came out, appointment set up, so we were interrupted.  I headed home, but felt so much light-hearted because Arthur has that gift of love and light around him. I really enjoyed my talk with him.

They were all fishing at the pond. I was grilling out dinner, doing responsible things, watching the latest poll returns *gags* and still trying to stay filled with faith. 

A bit later I looked out the front door, hubby is now talking with Arthur. I come out to join in the conversation, Arthur is asking about renting MY house!  He is in love with the place and had been told there was a possibility if I move, I will rent my house until it sells.  Arthur is BEGGING to let us know!  I wonder, is this an open door from above? One more in this day of which I have requested open and closed doors?  Before long Arthur is telling me of his spirituality which is SO similar to my own. We are rambling about faith, love, light and God’s gifts. I could have stood there forever talking with Arthur about pre-destiny, God’s love, the paths we walk and how we meet people that can instantly change our lives!  Talk about being on the same page with somebody!  All in my front yard, overlooking the pond, under clear blue skies.  For a moment I felt so happy again. 

Arthur looked at me,  “I have a gift of discernment.”  He said.  “Really?” I replied.  “Yeah, and you have a very good spirit. I can tell you now your book is going to make it big!  You are very special and are a good, good person. Yeah, you are about to make it big.”  I am NOT a shy person! Well, unless it came to my soul mate anyway.  But Arthur had such power in his words!  I became speechless. Did I giggle?  Did I blush? I don’t know, I just remember putting my hands over my face because I felt the power of his words. I believe he was prophesying over me and I was very, very humbled. Taken back, unsure what to say.  Hubby stood there listening,  “Yeah, she’s GOT to get this book done!”  Arthur went on to say there would be sequels as well.  I remained speechless.

It was such a beautiful conversation!  You know what I decided when I came in? I miss my friends at work where I shared SO many spiritual conversations in a day’s time!  There were SO many people I was SO close to, I had so many options of people I could share spiritual stories with. My faith. I am VERY limited these days having hardly no one to share this with. Yet, am I in a fill up time where God wants me to only focus upon Him?  AND Arthur!  Of ALL the days for him to just show up in my world, following a day of complete spiritual seeking!  Having turned it all over to God!  Suddenly a messenger appears with words that seem leading to me?

I came in still feeling so humble. I still am.  As I was lost in the moment my cell phone rang. It was my boss. She’s on the road and I had left some important information out, she was feeling lost. I got on line, tried to guide her as best I could, feeling like a failure in the process! Gotta love the balance of life! Humbled by two complete polar opposites, I swear!  But we got it worked out. She’s okay.

So as I close this journal, I realize tonight that Arthur’s words filled me to now end it is time to begin writing again! On the book! I have been so caught up in the world’s woes I had pretty much given up the idea that this was somehow in my destiny.  Now I believe it is very much a part of my tomorrows.  I don’t know how it is all going to work out but without a doubt I believe Arthur was sent to me today to remind me of where it is I am ultimately going.  I guess I lose sight of this in the cares of the world living. Guess God needed me to stop and listen.  I’m glad He woke me up this morning and drew me into His presence.  I feel much different tonight than I did last.  But then it’s all a journey.  So much to learn, so many places to go. I feel back on track for tonight.  Mostly tho, I feel filled with such love.  God’s love.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  We were meant to meet. We were meant to teach one another so many things. I have no doubt of that these days. I cherish what you are in my heart, and that is so many things.  I’m back on track.  Thanks for being my muse.  Even if you didn’t do it purposely, I think on some level you did. I just think you knew. Now I know too. J  I send you, my special someone, love and light.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

Messages sent from heaven via people and angels.

This growing season continues.  I have really begun to believe that it is ALWAYS darkest before the dawn. A spiritual principle of how everything falls apart before the miracle.  Will I stand or will I fall?  Is not all of this faith I have professed through the years now what I must fall back upon?  Surely, it is.

Elizabeth emailed me today. You sound so sad.  I am.  Sure a lot of things happening to make me feel this way. A lot of happenings going on too of which I don’t write about for a lot of reasons!  I have pressure at the moment from so many sides! Do this, don’t do that, why did you and why didn’t you?  I went and sat in the hot tub tonight to talk to God. I really don’t know where to go and how to get there if I am supposed to go.  Things feel REALLY pressed at the moment.  And I think of those little sunflower seeds I planted a few weeks ago, now broken through the soil. How hard did they have to struggle to break through?  Is this where I am?

I worked today.  I work in diversity. A subject I for sure wasn’t all that familiar with, and a word I really didn’t care for. God has a sense of humor! Now I am there working in all aspects of it. Part of where He is sending me and teaching me I have decided. It’s a new world out there that’s for sure! One I didn’t grow up in for sure too.  I’m lucky tho as these lessons are being taught to me by my boss who I admire so much these days, and a co-worker who has made me understand some things I took for granted. I can see how this has played an important part of learning the lessons God wants me to learn before I leave this place called earth. Those lessons all equaling one simple thing……..love.

And I fail a lot of times. I know I do. The past few days I have been psychotic! Well, psychotic for me. An emotional wreck! Is it because of all the pressure I’ve been under the past month of so? Or is it feeling abandoned by family?  Or is it the impending storm I feel coming globally?  To be honest, I think it’s a lot of all of the above!  The last explosion came tonight on hubby.  Everyone around me can see stuff that I probably know exists, but so often my religious convictions beg me to overlook what needs to be seen. In the end I apologize to him, realizing in his own way he does the best he can.  As I’ve so often said, where would I go from here?

After work I came home from work, got on the internet where I looked again at places in Florida, switching from the east coast to the west. Wondering!  How, where?  What?  Oh the questions if I try to really visualize myself doing this!  Would I be running or would I be following my heart?  I’ve always said you don’t leave because of any other reason than you have nothing left to give.  Apparently I’m not there. Or else fear keeps me grounded? Or is that wisdom?  What impending global storm is in fact coming on the horizon that I sense, know?  A storm! Talk to most people, everyone feels it!  And I’m sorry, but there is NO politician that is going to be able to stop it! This is a spiritual battle about to be waged. We humans are just pawns in the overall picture of it all.  Where these words come from I have NO idea!  But as is true a lot of nights, I know I must leave them…………

It should be a happy time in my life, I’d think.  The prospects of writing a book and having it published. I’ve gathered the courage this past year to make changes, one step at a time. You know! Job, sale of property, some travels, letting kids go, holding on at the same time.  It really should be a happy time…….so when all is said and done as I pray, in the end, I thank God, because a heart of gratitude seems to bring in love and light.  And the impending storm I speak of?  I am always held in the palm of His hand and within the shadow of His wings.  See!  Love and light found in the ominous wave that is sweeping……somewhere?

On a much lighter note, today was Emma, my daughter-in-law’s birthday.  Did I feel silly or what?  I called her to wish her a happy one and guess what? I always send the kids a check representing however old they are.  I SWORE she turned 27 today!  So, a check in a beautiful daughter-in-law card, representing how I truly do feel about her, of $27 was sent. Ops! She turned 28!  As I talked to her tonight I told her I owed her a $1.  “I’ll pay you in St. Louis!” An upcoming trip we are to take in a couple weeks.  She laughed at me assuring me it was okay.  See, I’m really not a “monster-in-law.”  A little psychotic as of late, but far from monster! I hope?

Tomorrow I am off. I’m glad. Pete chewed a hole in my living room carpet, right in the smack dab middle!  It’s not like we’re trying to have this place in tip top shape or anything because I’m trying to sell it! *rolls eyes* So tomorrow the carpet place will come and patch it for me.  I’m glad they can patch it, vs. having to put whole new carpet down to the tune of about $1500!  As it is I am having to put a new roof on this house to the tune of thousands of dollars to bring it up to sellable status.  There is talk of painting the rental houses as well. Money, money!  My cousin, the one who left here after renting for a couple years, leaving owing me tons of money once told my friend Dave that if he needed money just go out in my backyard, it grows on my trees there.  Yeah, right, whatever?!  He had no clue how I pray each and everyday for wisdom.  Right now it seems I am REALLY being crunched tho.  Hey, can’t take it with you when you go, right?

Now I will head to bed. I still feel the heaviness of something.  Wish I could put my finger on what it is, but I have a feeling it’s more a time thing. A sort of season thing.  It’s just that darkest before the dawn time.  So I am simply being still, when I’m not psychotic anyway, and trying to listen and gently trust.  Trust that God is doing something in me and I am simply trying to break through the soil of this new whatever He is growing me into.  At least I hope it’s that simple?

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  So glad you haven’t seen me the past couple of days! OMG!! Not a pretty sight for sure!  I’m trying to do the best one can on this journey of life thing, and putting you into perspective at the same time.  Do I succeed?  Of course I don’t!  I still hold you in my heart and when I feel so sad I take you out, hug you, look at you and so wish I could see you.  Then, I put you back, and pat you from time to time just to make sure you are still there. You are, and always will be.  Ever wonder why? I mean think about it!  Do you ever wonder why I feel like I do?  Me too!  I honestly don’t understand it, but for some reason it is so real………something to do with a plan or something, of this I know.  And NO, it is NOT because of the music.  Music?  Do you play music?  *laughs*  Oh yeah! You’re one of the most talented musicians I know!  Wait a minute?  You’re the ONLY real musician I know! LOL.  So much for me being a groupie, huh?  See! It’s about you silly!  But I think you finally know that, and I really couldn’t ask for more. I send you love and light. Thanks for making me smile in this moment.  But it seems to me you always do.  Making sense or not, it is what it is……and it’s special.  Goodnight you!  Love ya,  Sunshine

It’s Monday morning, I’m getting ready to work. Once again there was no inspiration to write last night. I just seem to be stuck in this place of nowhere land.  Not going forward, can’t go back, I sit, stuck…………stuck.

That’s being said I sense this is going to be another “sunflower” summer. I planted my seeds a couple weeks ago. They’ve broken through the ground already, young, tender blossoms. God reminded me of that summer about 10 years ago when I think I was back then in a place I seem to be now. He’s doing something in me. Growing me?  Like back then? If I recall the pain back then was great too. But once I came into full bloom I found a whole new me.  I really don’t think I’ll be here in August to see the sunflowers in full bloom, or at least I hope I’m not, but in my mind’s eye I can see that these tiny little seedlings that have broken through the soil now are soon to be beautiful, beautiful full-bloomed flowers.  I need to see that in me too.

I’m off now! Work! Another day on the journey. God so near, even in all the sadness I feel, but then, breaking through another layer of soil surely must be tough. It’s a struggle. But I’ll be okay! No one said growing was easy!

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

To a beautiful day!

Sunshine

Good morning Soul Mate: I think I had a dream about you last night. No, I know I did, I just can’t make heads or tails out of it. Will meditate upon it as the day goes on.  I just can’t seem to find you……..again. You found me once, can’t you come find me again?  I need you.  Expectations? Of course not. Just a lot of longing. I send you love and light………you will always be………..you finish that statement in your heart and soul, and you will know.  I wish you a beautiful day.  I love ya with all my heart!  Sunshine

It’s now Sunday morning.  Lately I’ve not felt so inspired to write. I can’t say for sure why, other than there is so much emotional crap going on in my life perhaps that leaves me uninspired?  For a long time I needed to release so much, perhaps this is a time I need to fill back up?  Meaning I have to be still and walk through some pretty heavy things.

Yesterday I decided was my day of reckoning. At least that was what I said when I went in to do something I had procrastinated doing for a very long time. In one of the rentals there is a full basement, in the house I lived in for 20 years, where my kids grew up. At one time this basement was really nice. We had finished it, I’d added my special touches and my boys lived down in the basement most of their teenaged years.  The day the last twin was to move out, we had record rainfall and it flooded. Oddly enough it had NEVER flooded in the 18 years we lived there! The special part about this story is he had moved everything out except a few items, his snake and cage being one of those things.  It was a HUGE cage.  Hubby and I were left with the mess.  At the time I was also in the process of cleaning out my parent’s house and all of those memories after my dad died. I just couldn’t deal with doing both. Now that we are trying to sell, yesterday HAD to be the day of reckoning.  I had to face what I procrastinated on 3 years ago. In order to sell, this HAS to be done.

After the last twin moved out we did eventually get rid of the snake, to a snake lover. And before we rented the house, I paid some people to help us get most of the basement cleaned out, none of our kids to be found for help. That day we worked on killing the mold left from the flood. But it still remained damp and musty. We had closed it off by way of a door over the stairs. Still, stuff remained in a workshop within the basement.  Yesterday was the day I had to go through it all.

As I worked yesterday I kept saying, “Stuff!”  It’s what I told myself, “It’s just stuff!” For instance ALL my albums from teenaged years and young adult years were down there.  I suppose the albums themselves were okay but the sleeves and covers were moldy and icky.  “Stuff!”  I have nothing to play them on anyway, so I threw them away. I’m talking TONS of albums! The Osmonds, Johnny Couger (Melencamp), Monkees, almost all of the Beatles originals, Peter Frampton, Heart, Carpenters, Pure Prairie League, Ozark Mountain Daredevils, well the list could go on, now in some trash heap to be taken to a dump. All my early memories……………and of course now we get into Nintendo games left behind by the boys.  Memories.  Oh the memories now left in the trash heap. Memories of sweeter days. Or were they sweeter days? Or are the memories behind us only remembered with a longing that what seemed so tough those days weren’t really as tough as we thought? 

I look at life today and I think back to when the twins were about 12 or 13.  “The Lion King” had just been released and they bought the CD.  They played that CD over and over until I thought I’d scream if I heard, “Can’t You Feel The Love Tonight,”  one more time! Yet I remember thinking if I could only freeze them in time right now. It was the summer Amy had grown beyond and the boys and I had grown to be so close.  I can’t even hear that song now, or “Circle of Life” for that matter without remembering how sweet those boys were back then.  As I awaken from my memories as I am cleaning all of this out yesterday, I look at today. A time I truly feel very alone.  One of the twins refuses to speak to me now, the other so far away with his own family.  He does come around and he does call from time to time, but all the same, the kids grew up and left. I was left here, to clean up the memories.  When I think about it, perhaps this is why I didn’t want to write last night? I simply wanted to be quiet and probably for a moment feel sorry for myself as I pondered the meaning of life, the circle.

On a lighter note! I do know where I was a year ago right now! I was in Tulsa!  Drew, my first grandson, 2^nd grandchild was born!  His official birthday was yesterday, May 3. He is now ONE YEAR OLD! He is a beautiful little boy, having this natural joy about him. The kid ALWAYS has a smile! Very seldom have I seen him cry, at least when he is around me.  He is now 1!  I sent gifts via Amazon.com. But as is true when our loved ones live great distances, I couldn’t be there for his birthday. *violins play*  That tore me up! When I thought about it, I have only seen him like 7 times in his life. No one would know how sad this makes me because I try to be brave.  We are going to meet them in St. Louis in a few weeks. Amy and Chad are supposed to go too. Sure I’d love it if the other twin and wife could go, but it is what it is and it just isn’t. But this trip is about Drew, so I will simply focus on the fact this is HIS trip!  Emma’s birthday is tomorrow. I’ve been so caught up in Drew’s birthday, and the death of Chad’s grandma, that I didn’t get her a card. That is on the agenda for today!  It won’t make her by tomorrow, but at least the next day if I get it mailed this afternoon.

So the basement icky job and facing past memories is done. We had no help.  It’s so sad that no one is around to see how much we are trying to do to move on. I would have been there for my parents. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to understand.  No judgment as I try to realize they are doing what they have to, but it does hurt. I guess the things of theirs that went into the trash heap really don’t matter, after all, I doubt they even know that they even have it. A lot of stuff I had I had forgotten about too.  In the end, as God told me, He did give hubby and I extra strength to get it done, hubby more so than me even. I am always grateful for the gifts He does bring, like strength and a renter who lives in the house with the compassion that we needed help so he rolled his sleeves up and helped carry the really big pieces of furniture out. The things I really couldn’t lift to carry up the outside stairs. There’s always gifts if we will look.

Looking back I did have a little humor in my day.  We had to go buy a dehumidifier for this basement to get it completely dry.  Hubby insisted on taking my Navigator, stating it HAD to be washed. As we are going through the car wash, Pete in the back seat FREAKING out at the brushes and rollers, hubby opens the cover on the moon roof.  Well, for SOME reason the moon room was open! Or else the suction of the car wash lifted it enough that when he opened the cover it ALL came pouring down on me! My side must have opened! Here we are! Stuck in the middle of the car wash, it is pouring buckets of suds in on me, I am screaming, Pete is now terrified thinking surely this is the end, and hubby can’t go anywhere or do anything!  To say the least, the whole thing was just too funny! I am waiting for a hidden camera somewhere to release this moment to “Candid Camera” or something. I mean I was DRENCHED! All the way home I smelled like car soap!  Pete was hidden on the floor in the back and I don’t think he moved a muscle until we go home! He reminds one of the Cowardly Lion.  It was SO cold and every part of me looked like I had jumped in a large body of water. But you have to laugh.  Sometimes, you just have to laugh. It broke the emotion of my sentimental day of reckoning. 

Last night was spent oh so still. I spent a long time in the hot tub, rinsing off from car soap and obviously soaking sore muscles! Then I watched a very scary movie on LMN.  It starred Susan Day of famed, “Partridge Family.”  I always thought she was SO beautiful! On my day of memories I couldn’t help but notice how much she has aged and I looked at me……….it’s the circle of life I guess. *see photo below*

Today is more doing whatever it is we can to sell this place. Beautifying the property, almost 7 acres of it, power washing one of the rentals. Work, work! I’m giving it all I can now to just go…….I am SO ready to go!

I have fallen in love with my newest “dream” house. In my mind I have already fixed each room to represent me. I love to decorate homes. I love this house, even MORE than I loved the first “dream” house. But then why wouldn’t I?  This one has EVERYTHING!  Pool, wooded backyard, quiet, very quiet neighborhood, which this house sits on a golf course and is far enough it remains very private. In the meantime, for the first time in years and years I will have a place to ride my bike. For now tho, perhaps to keep me motivated to sell here, I like dreaming of what I am going to do with this house. I supposed it’s vain, or whatever, when I think times are going to get SO tough coming up, and probably we are on the threshold of those times already, but I need my dreams to keep me motivated. I still see that all-seasoned sun room overlooking the pool as the place I will finish my book. Another dream not forgotten, only postponed while I make it through the ending days of this chapter of my life.  A long chapter at that! I mean we have lived here now for 22 years. That’s a LONG time!  Finally, I can say, I am SO ready!

Speaking of memories, I came upon this picture yesterday. It’s from about 1987.  If the African-American guy looks familiar, he should. He used to do weather on Good Morning America.  But for the life of me I can’t remember his name?  To ANYONE that remembers this man’s name, a world of appreciation if you will email it to me. The only think I can think of is Mark……but I can’t remember his last name?  This was taken when I was working at the radio station. *yes Jane, you will get a kick out of this*  The other guy is my former boss, Eric.  The weatherman did some on-line work with our station, or I think that is why he was there if my memory serves me well?  Anyway, this is me when I was about 27 years old. I have decided to put this photo on my refrigerator as motivation to lose that weight I carry these days. The weight that came with 2 surgeries, quitting smoking, and being prescribed heart medication that slows your metabolism down.  These were the days I was just beginning some modeling too.

Today was the day of reckoning.  The day I had to face what was behind, and what lies ahead. The memories of yesterday feel so, so sweet to me.  I must convince myself tho to move forward!  There is a book to be written, a story that remains yet to be written, a journey to be walked to my destiny.  Perhaps my boys were preparing me that summer when all I heard was “Can’t You Feel The Love Tonight,” and “Circle of Life.”  This morning perhaps I am beginning to understand the circle of life. But then this is just a journey after all. Nothing stays the same. Perhaps I am beginning to embrace change?

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Have a beautiful day,

Sunshine

Good morning Soul Mate:  Wherever you may be. I’m walking the journey. And yes, I still believe there is a story waiting to be written……early chapters already so, later chapters to come. I still believe I will find you again one day, or perhaps you’ll find me again?  Whatever, it is up there somewhere. Of this I have no doubt. But you live life there, I live life here. If I could have anything now tho, know what it would be for us? To just be able to call one another, or write and check in and follow each other’s journeys.  A beautiful, special friendship shared. Two people who care enough we could call one another and say, “I am hurting, I need a friend. I need you.”  Yeah, I wish that is what we could share at the moment.  Why can’t we?  I send you love and light. And I wish you the most beautiful day filled with “Sunshine!”  All my love, kay?  Sunshine………..

Perhaps this shall be a short entry tonight. I continue to feel sad.  Yet at the deepest part of me I know this sadness will turn to gladness again, I just have to walk through whatever I am, and learn what I can.  Perhaps I am beginning to learn what it is I am meant to learn during this period of time.

I worked this morning till 11:00.  Everyday I seem to grow closer to my boss and Felicia.  I have to admit I am shocked how well this job is working out. The beginning was SO “ify” now, I can see that God did in fact send me there.  Proving once again, things aren’t always what they seem.  This morning she, my boss, had lots she wanted to talk to me about, business, stuff she is going through and the subject she likes best when it is just she and I, soul mates. She is SO intrigued with my beliefs, both spiritual and on this soul mate stuff.  Yes, she lives a story and that’s all I have to say.  The rest shall remain personal.  I can only share with her those things I have learned on my journey, not only from my own story, but all those others I have met along the way I walk this journey with, even those in the distance. I wish I had answers, but the only answers I seem to give is no one but our “twins” could teach us of love the way we all are seemingly learning it. And I wonder……does my own twin, “Soul Mate” learn these lessons as well?  To truly learn of love I think it has to be done in a separated condition to be honest. I mean love is about being unselfish, and that thing called unconditional.  How could you learn that without there being a whole lot of conditions that have to be learned to be unconditional?  Deep thoughts huh?  Shared with my boss, and my own heart as I begin to share what it is I think I am learning.

The morning flew from there.  She had me working with a publisher on a book she is interested in.  Gosh, is that yet another one of those “scarecrow” signs pointing this way? ->

I had full intentions of swimming on my way home but the sky was growing ominous and my dogs were outside. I rushed home to beat an incoming storm.  I had left the garage door open so they could get in, BUT, it was a good thing I came home!  Somehow the wind took the door I had propped open with that thingy at the top that holds storm doors open, and closed it shut. Pete in the garage, Lilly out of the garage. I think they were both shook up!  Lilly seemed to be upset by this.  All was well tho cause mom came home early and in plenty of time that they didn’t have to endure a storm.

I should have swam then, right? But I didn’t. I fixed myself some lunch, turned on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) where a movie had just come on. I noticed the time, it wouldn’t end until 4:00.  I was a goner!  Before I knew it the clock said 4:00.  BUT, I was SO determined I actually got my suit on and headed for the health club. I swam for an hour. *pats self on back*

The swim was so good for me with all that is making me feel so sad. This is where I began to learn what I need to learn and that is when it seems all is lost and there isn’t anything you can do, there is something you can do, and that is pray and let God have it. It never ceases to amaze me how I cry out to Him, or better yet probably “WHINE” to Him and He begins to fill me with wisdom on how to handle what is upsetting me. Most of the time it’s a gentle word to simply look to Him and He will provide a way.

For instance, there’s a LOT of work to be one around this property to have it sellable.  Especially in one of the rentals.  We have NO help, hubby or I. I will attempt to help him tomorrow, but I’m not that strong and I can’t lift a lot, especially with this cyst thing I am trying to baby.  As I was swimming that “woe is me” thing took over, knowing we have 3 kids, yes one lives 12 hours from here so that is excusable, but the other two don’t.  Yet, no one is around to find out what help we do need. I have no brothers or sisters, Dell has one brother but he is like 19 years older than me.  As I was feeling sorry for myself God began to show me something, He will make a way.  He will give to us what we need whether it be in extra energy as we begin the work tomorrow, or me extra strength to really be a help, I am believing it will be supernatural strength. As I was swimming laps I worked all this out in my mind, I could A: Fall to self pity, or B: Trust that somehow we will get it done. I chose B.

There’s a lot of other stuff similar to this in nature that makes me really sad at the moment, but these issues are being taken care of in the spiritual realm, probably mostly tho, my heart is being dealt with.  Yup! All this wisdom and understanding while swimming.

Tonight has been quiet. I’ve not so much as heard 3 words out of Dell. He’s been back in his domain the whole time. I ate my cereal for dinner in front of TV again.  LMN, I really shouldn’t turn it on!

I’m very tired, the swimming did wear me out. I just came in from the hot tub before I began writing where the sadness tried to creep up on me again.  But as I start to talk to God about it I remember I’m in a period of time where I am simply having to trust all that is seemingly happening, or not happening in my life.  It’s always darkest before the dawn, things are not always what they seem, and if you want to see the rainbow you have to endure the storm!  Yup, sad as I might feel, or melancholy as I may feel, I still think God is in the center of this moment of time and great things are getting ready to happen! Hey, it’s my year of jubilee, right?!  And we’ve only just begun!  I guess I am enduring the storm.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  You know I love the late nights and the early mornings when you’re here. It’s like you go to sleep thinking of me and wake up thinking of me.  Regardless of what is going on in my life when I see you’re so near, I know that this deep, deep connection I feel with you must be so real. I’m not sure you really want me in your life, after all I keep reading all those comments about the women you’re with some nights, but I figure I am living my life too, and not a moment goes by that you’re not on my mind, so perhaps you live this too? Besides, who but YOU could teach me all this stuff I’m learning about what love really is?  It seems right now I am learning the part about love is not jealous.  Okay, it’s tough sometimes, yet somehow it seems to me if you are coming home late, like 2:00 or 3:00am, reading, and then again early in the morning when you wake up, then surely you are experiencing what I am. A deep connection where you so wish things could be different, but no matter how hard you want it no open doors appear, yet.  We have to make “yet” the key word here.  I send you love and light and wonder where you are tonight, but I won’t wonder too much because when all is said and done, you’re here, in my heart.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine