I know I don’t write everyday like I once did. I also know I thought I surely would once I moved, after all, all of life would be complete as I went to the next step of this journey I am on, right?  But I find this has quickly become this time of stillness for me.  A place where I know in my heart God is asking me to be still, and to be filled up again.  What does that mean?  This is a time where He often keeps me quiet, where He teaches me.  In life there is a season to fill up, then there is a season to pour out.  For a long time I poured out, and now………I run back to Him, like a car that has run empty of gas………..I need filled up, and only in Him can I find this.

Yes, it’s still, it’s quiet and all those things, and at the same time, there are spurts of busy-ness too.   For instance yesterday was to be my last day of work. I supposed in some ways it was, but then it’s not as I will go back on December 7 for the interviews for whoever will be my replacement.  Incredibly enough, I think God had a plan for this as the most serendipitous thing happened as I was given the task of going through resumes and picking out whom I felt would be good candidates to interview.  I kept hearing the voice of the spirit as I was going through all 60 some resumes,  “Go to the back, go to the back.”  All resumes were alphabetical order…..there was obviously one at the back I was to pull.  Long story of which I will share one day, but I would find out later in the day this person had been on their knees praying for a miracle in the way of a job.  God is never late, He is never early either.  This resume was to be pulled, and without a doubt I know because I still hear that still, small voice urging me to not stop pulling resumes until I found this one.  It leaves me humble and all filled with faith to know that indeed…………God still speaks.  This person is now on the list of those to be interviewed on December 7 and when I called her to arrange it, she was in tears feeling as if God had heard her prayers.  I was in tears because I had felt the power of God all over this situation!

After work my boss arranged a dinner with some coworkers in honor of my leaving.  She isn’t happy about my leaving, and struggled with this dinner being a celebration, but on the other hand she wanted to thank me for all I have been to her for 2 years.  Wow.  For those that have read here for the past 2 years, there can be no doubt what a miracle this job turned out to be!  It was rough the first 6 months as I struggled not only with this new job I completely didn’t understand, but also with leaving my job of 20 years for this new job!  Why had I done it? Had I not heard correctly what the spirit led me to do?  Now, 2 years down the road without a doubt I KNOW I was right where I was meant to be. I learned SO much, I brought the love of God to my boss and to an office, and the favor of the Lord was poured out on me so that 2 years later, there is no doubt, God was always in the midst of that part of my journey.  I feel so amazed as I look back over the 2 years now behind me and am filled with wonder as to what lies ahead?  For now tho, I have clearly been told that for the next few months, it will be the fill up season.  And I will write.  And I will be led by the power of God for this is what I am destined to do.

Sort of scary to say those words!  It all seems so farfetched!  Not to mention impossible, and it’s like beginning to travel on a road where I absolutely can’t see up ahead to know what will lie ahead to bring it all into fruition.  But if God says it will be………..well after all the miracles He’s always done in my life He often told me of years before, well, I know it and trust what I am hearing. Even if it makes NO sense!

So back to dinner last night.  It was held at Red Lobster.  This has obviously become the rumored place to be my favorite restaurant.  I’d have to say it is.  All of my “going” away parties seem to be held there.  Jane came, after all she did work with me for over a year in this office.  We had worked together at the radio station 25 years earlier, and now, here we were, working together again for a short season.  Yes, she needed to be there, and I was glad she was.  The business manager of our department came too.  Wow. I was touched by this, but she told me when she heard I was leaving that I was such an inspiration to the place.  Sometimes I don’t think we know we make a difference, or at least I am one that doesn’t seem to know it.  The new guy from Houston in our office came too.  David and I have only worked together for about a month, but we became fast, fast friends and I feel as if I have always known David.  How does that happen?  He brought his partner with him last night too. It was my first time to meet him, and I could tell that Eddie and I could become fast friends too……and we probably will to be honest.  I sense that we will all remain friends, as I think my boss and I will. I have said I am having a Christmas Open House at my new place for everyone.  David said he’d be here in a heartbeat!  So did my boss. Now to plan a date.  My boss brought me flowers, Jane brought me candles.  Myron, another co-worker who couldn’t make it for dinner drove clear across town to give me the neatest post card.  On the front it says, “You’ve blessed me.”  On the back he wrote the most beautiful personal note about how my love of God and my praying nature is something he will never forget.  I was so touched.  I think I  cried on the way home because all I’ve ever really prayed is to be an ambassador of love for God the Father, and feel I fall so short of glory so often, and yet, an honorary dinner as last night seems to scream that I am seen that way. Yet in my heart, I really am humble and feel so not that way.  It was a beautiful dinner of which I realized how God brought me through, blessed me, and gave me favor my two years at the university.  Oh! To only represent His love on this earth is all I ever really ask for.

As one can tell, I am in a very spiritual place this morning, a beautiful place having spent the first 2.5 hours of the morning in praise, then prayer, then meditation. So how does that work?  First thing I do is turn on praise music.  How I wish I could play the guitar, write songs,  and sing, but I don’t, so I rely on some of my very favorite Christian tunes to do that.  And I sing, and I worship God in spirit. Then I begin to talk to Him……like I would a friend sitting in the room.  Then comes meditation. No, I don’t sit and cross my legs all funny and chant……..hummmm.........no, I simply get quiet and let God speak.  Sometimes, as this morning I will write out the things He is telling me.  A beautiful message that makes my private journal of things to come, or things I need to know.  By the time all is done, and I do a little Bible Reading, which is where I garner a lot of wisdom I believe, I will find 2 or 3 hours have passed.  I am filled, ready to go to the next leg of the journey, regardless that I can’t see past the next few steps, I know in my heart, God is guiding in the most beautiful of ways.  Then I begin my day.

And that is why my writing here in the journal has been limited. I am called at the moment to be still. I may come and write as He leads, but for the moment, me, Sunshine is in the place of filling up.  It’s a very awesome place to be as I learn so much………….and I release all the anxiety about what is next in my life.  Anxiety?  Why would I have anxiety?  Just look over the past 10 -15 years and all I can say is this is one heck of a journey! Filled with ups and downs and all sorts of turns and twists of which I often think I will fall off the side of the mountain and cease to exist, but you know what? I only find I grow stronger and stronger along the way as I learn that the journey I am on is just that. A journey………my real home is not here, but I’ve been sent here to learn so many things, and learn I have!  I have a feeling there’s a lot more ahead too!  But the greatest part of it all?  I am here as an ambassador. An Ambassador for God, and I think I finally have come to understand, I am an Ambassador of love.  Wow.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Have a beautiful day!

~Sunshine

Have a beautiful day my twin soul;  Deny as I may try to do, you still are and I have decided, always will be.  I talked about this with God this morning.  No matter how much love I have had in my life, which has always really been much, or how much I loved, or how filled I was with the greatest things possible, there was always that little sliver of something missing.  I was shown you in that vision long before we met, tho I didn’t know what it meant.  Always, something/someone was missing. I could feel you, but I didn’t know what it all meant.  Then, after the most dramatic entrance and tender leadings of the spirit that “it” was about to come into my life, you appeared, and I knew. Immediately, I knew!  It wasn’t because you were some musician from a group that made music I once loved.  It was because it was you.  Made no sense, but all these years later, almost 9 years now, I never once again had that sense that “something” was missing.  It had been found when you finally were brought into my world.  Yeah, only to disappear again, but I have peace with that too. I know that out there somewhere, you will always think of me as I do you. I still believe that one day we will finally find one another again, and I know that it will then be right, so please don’t ever wonder if you can ever make it right………it already is. I’m where I am meant to be, and I am following the number one love of my life, who will always come first, which is God.  And you are where you are meant to be too.  But there will always be a special unexplainable love between us.  It is so real.  Do I believe you are really here reading the words.  Yes.  It’s a gift. A free gift given you, given me.  Never forgotten, but life goes on in the form of a journey that is meant to be walked the way God leads…….and my prayer is every day you are led in love and light.  And blessed. May you be so blessed as you find your way home.  Have a beautiful day my friend.  ~Just me…………..

 

My first day of not going to a job somewhere and trying to be motivated and do the things I need to do.  A day of focusing and denying those things I’d like to be doing…….and yet still not getting done what my goals were.  But it’s okay, cause there is always tomorrow now.  Well, except I think I have to work one more day this week, but my boss never called, so am I already forgotten?  Weird times. In many ways, weird times.

So I got all of my on-line stuff started, hoping I’m not being scammed and will earn a little money.  I actually had to take a 50-point quiz on one of the things I’m trying to get going. I got a 47 out of 50, I think that’d be an A, or perhaps a high B. Doesn’t matter, the message came back,  “Congratulations!  You are now officially MSC certified!”  So now I wait for jobs to come along, or something like that. I guess I still have to write a bio, which should be a breeze for me, right?  Then the other potential income opportunity done on-line from home was a missed opportunity for me most of the day as I played phone tag with the “career coach”, but I think it’s okay as they made it sound like you could make thousands per month and I’m skeptical enough to believe if they paint such grandiose pictures, it’s probably pretty much some sort of scam.  But at the risk of real potential, I will follow through.  Here’s the weird thing tho, I’m not wanting to make a “FORTUNE” and buy the nice houses and cars and all those things they show you in a short video people are doing! I simply want to make enough to pay monthly expenses, and be able to complete my first book.  See, this book is the opened door for me to do what I always dreamed to do and that is be a motivational speaker and take the love of God to whomever will listen.  But to get to that place, you have to have some sort of income.  So perhaps the first on-line possibility, where they admit you won’t make a fortune, but will supplement monthly income is in fact the safest of bets vs. the “We earn 10K per month and live where the doctors and attorneys do!”  There is more in life than money………..unfortunately tho, it takes money to achieve our dreams sometimes, if for no other reason than to have housing and eat. *sighs*

So that was my morning clear up until 1:00pm.

Then it was off to the country/craft stores to buy candle bulbs for my welcome candles in all these windows I now have, and to check out a new workout facility I just discovered within 3 miles of my house.  Impulsively, I fear I joined on a whim. It’s so close and it has a pool.  I need to get back in the pool.  So I joined. I will meet with a trainer at 8:00am tomorrow morning to weigh in, measure in, etc., and set me on a goal type chart.  Ugh!  I SO didn’t need to spend more money, which if I am dedicated and go everyday for the next two years it will be okay…………but if I don’t?!  I am sure thinking I did this on impulse and perhaps have buyer’s remorse tonight. But, I have a 21-day guarantee if for any reason I am unhappy, my money will be refunded.  So there is a way out.  And tomorrow, I will begin the process of getting back in shape and hoping I like the new club.

It was so quiet in my world today. I didn’t get anything written on the book because my on-line stuff took longer than I anticipated. But now that I have completed most of the beginning stuff, I hope tomorrow goes better for writing.

I continue to be really anxious in where I keep sensing the world is headed………….I just hope it’s something I am going through and is not some of those pre-warnings I get, like when God told me to get out of the stock market a couple months before it crashed a year ago.  I’m back in, but know it will be short-lived.  I’ve known this for awhile, I’m just being very still to listen to what I believe God is showing me.  Still, I’m skittish…..the best way I can describe it. Like a time bomb waiting to explode, I feel there is something brewing.  Could be 6 months, could be a year………….oh never mind.  This is just so not of love and light, and yet perhaps it is.  I am working through what I perceive to be an internal type warning of something……..I just can’t put my finger on what it is, nor what it is I am supposed to do about it.  The only thing that comes to mind is how I need so desperately to continue to look up and trust God.  That is the only place that I can currently find the love and light.  Oh, and of course in my house.  The presence of the Lord is always so near in this place.

And with that I will close. I supposed tonight was a lot of chatter………..as I work through whatever it is I am currently going through, or learning what I must learn, or being prepared for what is coming.  I only know that at the moment I need to be still, listen to what God is speaking to my heart, and follow where that voice leads.  So often it doesn’t make sense, but then when you think about it, faith doesn’t make sense either because you’re believing in something you can’t see. But in my heart I know it is faith that opens the windows of heaven.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

~Sunshine

GNTS:  Not a lot of words tonight………….just a quiet and gentle letting you know that during the day today I did think of you.  It seems to be slipping further and further into the abyss, the memories of you and I, and yet if it is really you here, still, it is always going to be a part of you, and a part of me.  Even if it is 50 years from now…………LOL, okay, 10 years from now, I still feel one day, we will find one another again.  And lest we forget, if we were meant to separate on this journey………then one day, we’ll be together again, even if on the other side.  And the journey goes on……….until that day it is meant to be…..here or there………until that day.  Goodnight        ~just me

And now, life should slow down………..shouldn’t it?  I’m no long employed in a job, Thursday was my last day. Well, except my boss still wants me to come in at least one day a week to just keep her abreast of everything until the new person begins.  I have said yes to this week, and probably will do the following week if the weather continues on to be Indian summer as this weekend was. How beautiful!

Other than my spirits haven’t been the best.  I think I was fighting that flu Skylar had and this country to me seems to be at some threshold of political disaster. I’m frightened by all the hatred I see.  Speaking of which!

The shooting in Texas at Ft. Hood is beyond words of horror.  Here these brave men and women fight for our freedoms and have to worry about being shot up on their own military base where they live when they’re not off fighting for us?  I was so saddened for the families, after all I am now a military mom myself with Joel in the Army and Chad serving in the Army Reserves as well, just returning a few months ago from Afghanistan, so yes, you can say I have my limited understanding of how these families must be feeling.  What I didn’t realize was how close to home it was about to come for me.  I tried for two days to get a hold of Joel after the shootings, just to see how he was doing.  For two days he never returned our calls, either Dell’s or mine.  Finally we called Emma and couldn’t get a hold of her either.  Later on Saturday Joel finally called back. As I’ve so often stated, “He’s just not himself anymore.”  I know beyond a doubt that God called him into the Army as a Chaplin, and I know Joel is doing what he was destined to do, but it doesn’t make the really hard parts of the job any easier.  He told us he had gotten a call that morning at 2:00am.  He and another solider were sent on a 5-hour drive to tell one of the victims family that their husband/dad/son had been killed.  Yeah, immediate tears for me as Dell began to tell me how long that 5-hour drive was for Joel.  He first had to go to the wife’s house, then the mom’s house, then the dad’s as his parents were divorced.  I can’t get into details other than to say all Joel kept saying was it wasn’t good. This soldier was dad to two little tykes, 29-years old.  Yeah, I believe there is a plan and purpose for all of us and when your time is up, regardless of where you are it is time to go home, but the human side of me hurts for the inexcusable actions that led to the death of this man.  And Joel saw it first -hand.   My heart broke for him as he so quietly told his dad the story.  I think back to when Joel was 7 and 8 years old and how sensitive he was.  Surely this was one of the most horrendous things he’s ever had to do.

So where is my spirit of love and light?  Well…………….it’s a struggle this weekend.  I am angry about a lot of things I’m trying to deal with and God whispers to me I am allowed to rant and rave and when I am through, then He will speak truth to my heart.  Just when I think it’s over, I read some other stupid, stupid evil thing and I start the ranting again!

Like last night!  I was up till 3am trying to deal with all these emotions.  I get on line to read what?!  A fawn colored English Pit Bull was found abandoned on the side of a busy road in the city by two good Samaritans late last night.  It was obviously all chewed up, dropped off and left to die.  They showed the dog being taken into the Human Society where a veterinarian rushed in to try to save the dog.  Immediately the vet knew that this had been a dog used for back yard fighting or alley fighting.  The dog had several wounds and scars that dated back the veterinarian said to almost 5 years.  His legs had been broken at least two times, and the fresh wounds from a fight he obviously lost last night were gushing blood.  The vet tried to save him, stating that the last hour of this poor little guy’s life was the most humane he probably ever knew. But in the end he couldn’t be saved, he had to be euthanized.  They had a video clip of the rescue and after he had been put down…..ending the piece by showing a little puppy waiting to be adopted from another rescue that was the same color as the one that had just been put down.  I sat there tears streaming down my face.  IDIOTS!  How can people be SO cruel?  I was livid wanting to go out and take matters into my own hands!  Dog fighting?!  PULLEZZ!!!  And here it is 2:30am!!  I’m sobbing in my recliner as I seek to find the light in a world that has gone mad.  Perhaps it’s hormonal or something, but it just seemed to be one thing after another this weekend.

Until today.  I was better and not quite so emotional after I told Dell about the dog that was killed and sobbed as I tried to get the words out.  “How and what can I do to change it?” I screamed at him.  He sort of listened to me and headed outside to do whatever he needed to do during our Indian summer.  After Dell leaves and I gather my senses about me again,  God speaks quietly to me,  “When you are through ranting and raving I will come and share words of wisdom with you.”  I’m just not sure I’m ready to hear words of wisdom.  I think the human part of us sometimes just wants to rant and rave, or at least for me I need to get it all out sometimes.  And God’s patience seems to be so gentle and kind and understanding.  When I thought about it, I felt blessed……..and I went about my day to prepare for the kids to all come over and have dinner here.

Which I like living here.  Jason called me on Friday to see if I would have a home-cooked meal on Sunday.  “Of course I will!”   I’m so close to the kids now it’s so awesome that they will come and share this time with me. Of course Amy and Chad were right on it too!  So with all my ranting and raving early, I got over it as I needed to be cooking a big meal for my kids and grandkids.  Remember I didn’t head to bed till 3:00am and got up at 8:30am, so to say the least I was exhausted!  Still I cooked and made a wonderful meal of Bar-b-que Chicken on the grill, hashbrown casserole, fresh green beans, and salad.  Doesn’t sound like a lot of prep, but it was.  I can’t complain tho because I LOVE, LOVE my new kitchen, my new appliances, and my new house all around.  I needed both Chad and Jason’s help anyway tonight. I bought a new receiver last night so I could run the satellite from my fiber optics system and now have my meditative music on non-stop in my new house without having the TV on.  Jason had to hook it all up for me.  Then I needed Chad to help me hang the wallpaper border that Jane and I didn’t have enough of before I went to Florida. With Chad being 6’7, he’s great to have around for those jobs!  Tonight as I write I now have my music going, which will be non-stop now anytime you are in my house, and the wallpaper border is finally finished.  I’m getting there in my new house…………….I love it.

Tomorrow will be weird.  I continue to believe that God has shown me the next few months I am to write.  Perhaps this is why He is wanting me to get out all that ranting and raving this weekend so that I am more in the spirit of love and light I need to be to write out this journey of faith I have been on.  Wow, when I began writing the “soul mate” journey thing I sure did think it’d end a different way than what it has…………..but perhaps in the end, that is the beauty of the story?  Love.  Real love.  We will see.  My plan tomorrow is to get up at normal time, work out, do some research on this on-line job someone is trying to get me involved in, then spend two hours writing.  I am trying to see it as my job that I need to report to and if I do, then I will stay focused.  But boy, am I ever going to have to be motivated!  When I stop and think I am officially “NOT” working at a place, but doing that thing my heart desires to do most, writing, I wonder if I will make it and be successful.  Surely God would not call me to this place, and give me the faith to go for it if success was not on the other side of the mountain I must climb?  Surely!

And with that, at 10:17pm I shall head to bed.  I have a big day tomorrow, my first day of my new job……….tho it’s at home, I still have to report and be accountable…………to God and to me.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight

~Sunshine

GNTS:  Okay, I am going to play a song tonight I heard the other day on the music system at the grocery store.  Sometimes I will hear a song and these memories of you come flooding through my core being.  So much of this song seemed to be all I feel for you and what has been.  I met you on a Saturday, the last time I saw you was on a Saturday. It’s always been Saturday except for that time you came out and sang that favorite song to me where my heart melted and I knew I’d never be the same……….that was on a Wednesday,  June 14, 2002 to be exact.  But Saturday, Saturday I know in my heart we will remember………………we will always remember.  Goodnight my dear muse, in my own very special way I still miss you beyond words.           ~just me

 

Ahhhh………..finally!  A moment of quiet and a time to reflect on all that is happening in my world. My lavender calendar burns, meditative music playing in the background, and complete quiet in my new house.  Pete and Lilly sprawled out near my feet.  I have come to really cherish these moments.

The past couple of days have once again been on the go. Well, at least Monday was, along with the weekend.  Halloween found me at Amy’s house.  Poor Skylar was sick.  Amy had taken her to emergency care that afternoon as she had run such a high fever during the night.  They did a strep test which came back negative. There was discussion of the H1N1 virus, but the doctor highly doubted it, even tho there were so many cases in my new county.  Skylar was feeling better, her fever down, everyone sighed a breath of relief and wrote it off as some virus Amy had herself had a few days earlier.

We met late in the afternoon at Amy’s house and took Skylar, Bree, and baby Elizabeth out for the trick or treat thing, it being Elizabeth’s first adventure of such.  Chad’s mom went with us too, as did Pete and Lilly. Something these two dogs have both come to love on Halloween night. Of course kids run up and want to pet them, of which Pete and Lilly absolutely eat up!  I’ve never really celebrated Halloween for my own personal reasons, but as of late, allowing Amy to raise her kids the way her convictions flow, I find myself celebrating more than I ever have.  I am enjoying it as Amy’s neighborhood, filled with younger families really get into it.  Half way through tho Skylar could hardly stand, she was chilling, obviously her fever had returned.  Chad’s mom took her back to the house as Amy, Susan, Jason, Dell and I with Bree and Elizabeth continued on our way.  We ended sooner than normal due to cooler temps and returned to Amy’s for a spaghetti dinner compliments of Chad’s cooking.  We did the traditional movie watching of “Hocus Pocus”.  Poor Skylar tho.  Her fever was near 104, and even with Tylenol we couldn’t get it below 103.  That just wasn’t right. I felt so bad for her, she never even asked for any of her candy.

On Sunday Dell and I were redesigning our lighting in the kitchen when late in the afternoon Amy comes in with Skylar.  She had taken her to emergency care again after her fever just wouldn’t break. This time they did the prelim test they do for H1N1 and sure enough, Skylar was positive.  Amy was running to the store to get her the prescribed “Tamaflu” which apparently MUST be given within 48 hours. Luckily,  we were within that time period, but pushing it. Skylar stayed with me while Amy ran her errands. It was decided then and there Chad would stay home with her on Monday, I’d keep her today and tomorrow (taking a family illness day my next to last day of work) and Amy would stay with her Thursday and Friday.  She isn’t allowed to go back to her school (daycare) for at least 7 days.  I keep thinking that Skylar was around Bree, aged 2, and baby Elizabeth, aged 8 months now.  If Amy gets it she’d miss a bunch of work, and since Chad is military, he really doesn’t have a lot of room to miss.  I needed to take the most time keeping her, and since I am quitting my job, Thursday being my last day, hey, I have TONS of sick time still coming that I’d lose anyway.  My boss was wonderful about it.  But then I tried to officially quit 2 weeks ago and so I think she’s remembering that.  Everyone is sort of afraid of H1N1 and it seems no one wants to argue when it comes to family members having it.

It’s weird times.  For the first time in however long I can remember I feel as if I am nowhere, with no plans.  Just sort of floating in some sort of wind so unsure of where it is I will land.  Me!  20 years of the same job in a high school where so many in the community knew me. I became some sort of icon in the high school simply because I had so much public contact.  Then one day I left.  No more an icon I was soon to find out as now two years out, most have graduated and the younger ones still there never really had the time to grow to know me.  Then it was on to the university for two years.   Because I was only there 20 hours per week I can’t say I really grew to know too many, tho I do believe I made a big impact on my office, or at least my boss. She’d admit that too.  I was so surprised the other day when I did send out my official letter of resignation to the 5 people I felt it would effect, and then received a few emails back saying what a blessing I had been in that building.  I think I wrote this the other night but it continues to be true, I felt as if anyone hardly knew me.  Guess sometimes we can touch people’s lives and never really know.

On the way to work Monday morning I had one of the MOST powerful prayer times I’ve had with the Father for a  LONG time.  The hour-in-a-half drive allows me that time. It was almost spiritual in atmosphere as the moon was full, and falling as the sun was rising in my rear-view-mirror. The moon before me, the sunrise behind me and God is illuminating to me the answers to some of the questions I’ve kept asking.  Writing.  I need to take the new few months to be still, write, and finish this book.  It may not end up being what I thought it would be…….I think it’s something even more in depth than the journey of faith that related to the one I call soul mate.  Oh, no doubt he had a huge part in shaping who I am today, simply by appearing in my life, which if you think about it wasn’t really his doing at all!  It was fate and divine providence or however you want to describe it.  It happened and was the most transforming thing that ever happened to me, EVER, but the story doesn’t stop there. It’s what it awakened in me I am finding is the real story………and now, it will become some sort of story/book/novel, or something. In a faint vision I see me already writing, and it will be one of those “if you build it, they will come” sort of things. I will simply sit and begin and something tells me, it will flow.

Then the next thing is where do I go from there?  How to market it?  How to sell it?  I have decided tho it’s all about timing and if this truly is God’s desire for me, in that 11^th hour, it will all fall together. For now He simply tells me to be still, write, seek Him, and I will be in “the plan.”

But it makes NO sense! I need an income coming in!  Don’t I?  It is so hard to fight that natural, what we’re supposed to do thing according to the world’s standards, and what God is calling us into.  Whew!  That is the journey of faith part for me!

So today was quiet as Skylar and I had to stay home the WHOLE day!  I didn’t even put make up on today.  It’s the first time I think I’ve actually never left this house since we moved here August 29.  Skylar was feeling better, but still, I made sure to keep her quiet by movies, etc.  As she watched movies I did finances, and I signed up for some of those “work at home on the internet” type jobs.  If I could earn just a little, that seems fitting to me.  (And there I go again, figuring it all out in my feeble mind.)  Perhaps doing something like that does make sense in the end as it might compliment what God is asking me to do.

I bought a new bedroom set the other day as I want to take the bed I sleep in now and make a nice spare bedroom. Since I’m away from my hometown these days my hope is people will come and stay with me, so I felt a new bedroom suit was necessary.  I still need to order my sofa, and would have done that today but was subjected to the house while Skylar recuperates.  She has a doctor appointment tomorrow so I am hoping to stop by the furniture store on the way.  And then the hardwoods will be ordered this week.  After that……NO MORE spending! Well, until I get the bids on the new master bedroom suite.  But I am jumping way ahead of myself.  For now, I am not to make any plans. I am to be still, simply listen to what God is whispering to me,  and not try to figure it all out.  I am simply at the moment blowing in the wind, a Holy Spirit wind I believe……….a gentle wind of sorts as I find I simply don’t know which way to go, and yet, have the most incredible sense of peace that it is in this moment my destiny is actually beginning to fall into place.  Is it some sort of surrender I wonder?  Where I don’t know which way to go and yet taking “some” sort of job just to have an income doesn’t seem right……….. Ahhhh………….faith.  Great things happen when you believe in what can’t be seen, but trust it all the same.

And with that I will head to bed.  I was in the hot tub for a few minutes before writing.  I’m relaxed now, feeling as if I got quite a bit accomplished today in the house and in my spirit.  For now, I just am…….and you know, I think that’s the place God just might use me more than He ever has.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight~

Sunshine

GNTS:  It’s a beautiful place to be, just being me.  I still wish you and I could have just said let’s keep in touch…….let’s talk!  Let’s not cross any lines but be there for one another, but you know, in all the twin soul stories I know there always seems to be one that just can’t get to that place…………and for whatever reason, you never could.  But that’s okay, I think after all these years you still come here to read, and I see you’ve been here and in some sort of really special way, it is like we do touch.  I know I told you I pray for you every day, because I do, but I also pray for your wife because I think that is so important too.  She is so dear to you and that must mean she is a very special person……so I remember her from time to time too and pray so many blessings on her as well.  Of course there are times I still wish I was her, but then I remember that my life was given to the Lord a long time ago and I must remain where He calls me to be.  As I tell Skylar all the time, “Love is a great big thing and you can hold so very many people in your heart in so many ways.”  I think I learned that when you awakened me, that cold, rainy February late afternoon…………..2001.  And life really began.  Goodnight ~  just me.

 

It’s been so long since I’ve written. Oh, it’s not that my heart hasn’t been here, but my life is so crazy at the moment. So very crazy……… Why did I think when I finally moved on the journey to a new house and a new chapter,  life would slow down and allow me more of the time I need?

Working at the university continues to take the majority of the week for me. On Mondays it’s been an 11 to 12 hour day.  Driving almost 180 miles to work (round trip total) is crazy, it really is! I know lot of people do it every day, but I’m not a lot of people.  I’m me and me isn’t crazy about spending so much time on the road.  Soon tho, it will come to an end.  This past Thursday was to be my last day but my boss begged me to please stay a bit longer.  Her mother passed away when I was in Florida the beginning of the month and I just felt I needed to be there.  Now I have submitted my letter of resignation and this coming Thursday, November 4 is to be my last day.  I mean it this time tho there has been a little bit of discussion that I may work one day a week until she hires someone. *sighs* 

This brings me to this journey of faith thing I am on. What’s next?  How scary to quit and not have an income coming in nor benefits. Dell can put me on his benefits, but all the same I’ve been so independent for so long…………..surely something is in the works for me.  I know it is.

I have had one call about a job. This is SO, SO, SO not me, BUT!  One of the school corporations about 15 minutes from me, in the actual downtown city area is desperate for bus drivers.  Okay, can you see ME as a school bus driver?  However, here is the part that gets my attention!  The hours are 6am – 8:30am, then 2:30pm – 4:30pm.  The pay is $3 more per hour than I am making now and offers FULL benefits.  I LOVE, LOVE working with high school kids and always  have!  This particular route would be for the high school. I’d have all holidays off, Christmas, Spring Break, etc. etc. and of course summers off.  When off at 8:30 I’d come home and my goal would be to write a few hours a day.  It all sounds so wonderful and perfect for me for a short time, huh?  But why doesn’t it feel right?  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something feels a bit amiss.

I applied for a couple secretarial openings as well with a few school corporations that did have openings.  My friend in the Lt. Governor’s office happened to call work this week. When he heard that I was interested in one job at a school corporation he promised he’d make a call to some higher up above person within the corporation.  That made my day!  I figure when you have the policy aid to the Lt. Governor calling a school corporation on someone’s behalf surely you’ll get an interview?  But as of now I still haven’t heard anything. I think that’s okay tho.  You know these days I’ve come to the place of understanding that what’s meant to be will, and what isn’t won’t, no matter if someone as high up as Obama made the call himself!  God is much bigger, knows what His plans are and well…………….that is what will be, and the truth is, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

And I will say that within my spirit and heart I get this feeling I am to take the next few months off, go back to that real deep place of prayer/meditation I am called into from time to time and write.  Is this finally the time God has set apart for me to complete my first book?  And why do I keep seeing it in my spirit? I see it, but now I have to bring it out.  Perhaps the next few months as winter comes and everything falls asleep I finally will find it is the time for me.  It needs to slow down!  I need to slow down.

I continue to LOVE, LOVE my new house. I have done so much in here that each and every day it becomes more me.  The energy of the house and I seem to be falling into one another and I am so grateful for this place.  As I drive away I ooh and awww over the house.  One day I will post videos of all I have done (just for Lise), but I am waiting to get it all done.  It’s coming Lise, I promise! J  At the moment I’m waiting for one more quote for the hardwood floors I will put in the downstairs.  What an ordeal and time constraint this has been!  I’ve narrowed it down to two different woods now and am just waiting for the 2^nd bid to come in.  I continue to wait for the bids to come in on the new master bedroom suite as well.  Because the master bedroom is upstairs I was insistent when I bought the house I had to have a main level master bedroom, but you know, the longer I am here the more I realize that the stairs don’t bother me as I thought they would. I may hold off on the addition till a year from now perhaps, depending on what $$ figure comes in once the contractors get them back to me.  I still want to have the in-ground pool put in next summer, but will get through winter before that happens.  I still don’t trust the economy and find myself doing the, “be still and listen to what the spirit is saying” before jumping way far ahead with all of my “wants.”  There truly is a difference between wants and needs, ya know?

So much has happened and yet there is no way for me to catch up on the past however many days it’s been since I’ve written so I think I’ll just catch up from today, which has been the most odd and God revealing day.

It began when I decided to fill out a credit card application on-line for this king-sized bed I’d like to buy. This company often has 1 and 2 – year free interest so I think it’s worth it to open the card.  When I applied it asked for social security number, driver’s license number, and address.  It was one of those things where it says you will have your answer in 60 seconds.  No sooner did I hit the submit button than it came back and said,  “Our information doesn’t match, in order to confirm this is you, please tell which county  XXXX (the street I lived on 27-years ago) is located, it then listed 7 different counties from around the state. I answered the question and another screen popped up,  “Your information doesn’t match ours, to make sure this is you, answer this question:”  Recently Joel XXXXX (my son’s last name) moved. To which city did Joel move?  Once again they listed 7 different cities and the one he moved to last April was listed, I marked it accordingly.  And once again another screen popped up,  “Your information doesn’t match ours, to make sure this is you, answer this question:”  How old is Jason XXXXX (my other son’s last name)?:  And they had 7 different answers. I answered it and this time a screen popped up that said,  “Congratulations!  You’ve been approved! Your credit card should arrive in the mail in the next 7-10 days.”  Oh wonderful, another credit card!  Although I will use it to buy my new bed, BUT, how scary is it that they know SO much about me?  (I figure the wrong information that didn’t match is my new address as apparently it isn’t in the national database, yet!)  Think about it tho! They know my sons, where they live, how old they are, they know where I lived 25 years ago, or whoever does these credit card approval forms!  I happen to be a bit freaked out that I am in some national computer data base where ALL of my personal information is stored.  This is scary of the worst kind! I am talking Bible prophecy stuff here, you know, at the end of the book!  Where the world leader knows everything about everybody?  Sci-Fi?  At one time I would have thought so, but THIS happened to me!  Scary stuff people! *deep breaths*

So I left to go do errands I had to do.  And once again, another very odd thing happened.  I told Dell later,  “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore!” Isn’t it funny, sometimes things happen that make you look back over how things lead up to where God really does prepare us for the oddest of things.  So here’s the story:  When I was staying with Jane earlier in the week we went to WalMart.  When I checked out I decided to get some cash as I tend to often not have cash with me, using my credit card for everything I do and then paying it off at the end of the month. But that night I suddenly decided I needed to carry a little cash. I went to get $20 but at the last minute I felt this urge to get $40 instead.  That was Wednesday night. I hadn’t touched any of the cash, and actually forgotten I had it. So today I go a different way than normal to do the errands I needed to do.  I spent some time in a department store, then left to take Dell lunch.  Suddenly I felt this unexplainable urge to put gas in my car. It was pouring down rain, I had ¼ tank of gas and had already decided to just wait to get to my little rural town after doing my errands to get the gas, but now I find myself pulling into BP for some reason that doesn’t even make sense to me.  I pull up to the pump. On the other side of the pump is a white van. I get out of the car when I see an African American guy open up the back and all this stuff fall out. I see a suit jacket, shoes, clothes.  I sense his frustration. I laugh,  “You just lost half your car!” I say to him as I get ready to swipe my card. He chuckles at me and before I know it he comes over to my side of the pump, “Excuse me, do you go to church?”  He asked me.  I’m a bit nervous as I realize I’m in the city now and this, “outgoing, don’t know a stranger” personality I have needs to not be quite as open.  “Yes, I do.” I say, still a bit nervous.  He reaches in his back pocket, pulls out his billfold, and says, “I just got out of prison a while back,” as he pulls out his prison ID card,  “We got into it with our landlord a few days ago and they kicked us out, we’ve been staying in a hotel room but we’re out of money and have no place to go, that’s why all the clothes are in the back.  I’m not trying to rob you, or I’m not going to buy drugs or alcohol, I wouldn’t even ask you for help, but I have two kids and my wife and we need money to try to get another room.  I lost my job a few weeks ago and unemployment hasn’t come. Please ma’am can you help me?”  I thought he was getting ready to pump gas too.  “Well, let me pray about it for a minute…” I said to him. As I did he grabbed my hand in his and said, “Let’s pray together, I’ll pray with you.”  Why did I get so uncomfortable at this point?  “No it’s okay……..” I knew in my heart what I had to do, even tho I still was a bit unnerved.   “Did you already get your gas?” I asked him.  “Yeah, I had just enough to put a little in.”  “Okay,” I began as I turned and got into my purse.  “I don’t have much, but here you go.” and handed him the money.  “God bless you ma’am, God bless you so much!”  I spoke a few words of life to him about how God always meets our needs.  He spoke a few words of life to me as I could see he was holding on for dear life to all the faith he could.  He turned around again and repeated the “God bless you.”  Hoped in his van where I could see his wife with her head laid back in the front seat and sped away.  Where to I have no idea, but I knew God was doing something with me in that moment. I felt so humble.  So unsure of all I was feeling. Half afraid, and yet that I was protected from harm. I also felt that God knows he can use me and finds a heart that is filled with compassion, because it is.  How blessed am I?  $20 to me is nothing…….and yet to someone else $20 is the difference between trying to keep your kids warm in a car and having a place to sleep. I drove away with such a different perspective from that gas station as I realized God DID send me into that station at just that moment.  Not only that, but it seemed to me He was already working this out Wednesday night at WalMart!  He knew that on Friday one of His children was going to be at the bottom and so in need, and He would send me at just the right moment to give the money He had me get for this man and his family.  Wow!  What a lesson for me, not to mention a faith builder of seeing how God does work way in advance.  In the process tho, I think I am also being shown that I do have to stop being so friendly and outgoing.  As I said, “I’m not in Kansas anymore!”  Lessons learned in the oddest of ways.

In my humble, almost speechless moment it was on to take Dell lunch then onto the furniture store.

Don’t ask me why but Pete and Lilly decided this past Monday that there was something in my sofa they smelled and wanted. They dug CLEAR to the springs in one section of the sofa!  This means a new sofa on top of EVERYTHING else! *sighs*  But, this too would prove to be more than a shopping trip for a new sofa!  Actually I had gone to this store, stumbling on it accidentally while looking for a different store last Tuesday. When I went in I was greeted by Debbie.  It was an IMMEDIATE connection and we became fast friends!  Have you ever just met someone and instantly loved them?  This was what happened between us.  Before I left that day she made me promise I’d call her for lunch, we HAD to do lunch because she had stories she wanted to tell me.  I promised her I would.  I’ve since shopped for sofas other places and like what she has the best. I took home the sample material to make sure it’d match in my living room.  I had to return the sample today and get a quote from her on the cost.  Well, today was no different than Tuesday!  We got to talking and 3 hours later (yes 3 hours) I discovered it was 5pm and I had to go!  Like me she is so very spiritual in nature and on some journey of which she is so unsure where it is all leading.  How AWEOSME it is for me to find someone I can spend hours talking spiritual stories with!  But come one, 3 hours?!!! LOL!  Yes, with me it is SO very possible!  As I was talking with her today I realized that she is one of those people I was meant to meet, and if you asked her, she’d say the same thing of me!  I even said this to her today,  “I knew when God moved me to this new area that there were people waiting that I was to meet, and you were one of those people!”  She agreed with me too. We began talking how tomorrow there will be more people waiting to meet us on this journey we are all walking.  It is so mind boggling to know that somewhere in my tomorrows are people I’m just waiting to meet.  Without a doubt, Debbie was one of those people.  And yes, I am probably going to be buying a sofa from her because it just feels right.

Which leads me to tonight. I was so ready to write tonight I just couldn’t hardly wait to light my lavender calendar, turn on my meditative music and reflect from the craziest of days. One where God just seemed to be opening my eyes to SO much around me!  And while this may not be a love and light thought, it is what it is and the world is sure getting darker and darker out there!  When you get on the internet and suddenly have pages popping up that seem to know all about you, well that’s prophecy of Biblical proportions!  And when you see families struggling as I saw today, I think I intuitively know this is only to get worse and worse.  Yet I ended the day knowing that God has the most synchronized plan for my life and no matter how dark it gets out there, if I look to Him, there will always be the most beautiful light to lead me on.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

~Sunshine

GNTS:  It still remains.  I may be living my life and giving all I have on this journey to where I am called to be for here and now, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, and of course, everyday pray for you!  I once promised you I would always pray for you and that will never cease to be.  As time goes on why do I realize how fleeting this journey of life is?  Do I know if I will ever see you again?  In my heart I do know. *closes her eyes and sees the truth in her spirit* But without a doubt I do believe on the other side things will be so different than it is here. I know that is where our real home is……………and when we are finally there, perhaps we will sit and have coffee and discuss all we learned while apart on this journey of life.  And all will be well and we will realize why we did the things we did.  Replace tonight’s song’s name with yours and yeah, it’s yet another song about you. *winks*  Goodnight my special someone, so far away, so in love with another, and yet, a connection that never ceases to amaze me.  ~just me.

 

 

Tonight finds me feeling a bit more inspirational than I have in a very long time.  I’m not sure really why as by all accounts I should be falling into bed with exhaustion after the last week of non-stop running, getting home at 5:30pm last night, and then up at 5:00am this morning to drive the wretched long drive to work, but for some reason, I feel really inspired at the moment.  I like these times.

I guess I should first share the story of the tidal wave pool, and where I left off last night from vacation memories.  It was last Friday. The last day of vacation.  The heat was so oppressive in Florida while we were there, Friday was no different.  Typhoon Lagoon, a water park by Disney was the perfect solution to the heat.  I loved, LOVED the pool that was not only a wave pool, but a tidal wave pool! This 15-20 foot wave came about every 4-5 minutes.  Chad, my son-in-law who is 6’7” swam out to where it came out at the full perfect wave before crashing half-way in the pool where those of us that were chicken were swept away with some of the best body surfing I’ve done in my life.  I would watch Chad be swept to the top of the wave, where he looked so tiny in comparison.  Oh how fun it looked to be able to be pulled to the top of such an enormous wave, but I learned of myself in that moment that no matter how much I LOVE waves, I am still a chicken at heart. Nope, I’d remain in the sweeping away part after the wave broke and body surf till my heart was content.  I spent almost an hour riding in the big one, after watching Chad be sucked to the top before breaking.  And then it happened. It must have been a bigger wave than all the others as this one took me further than I had yet gone toward the shallow end and *poof* rolled me to the bottom of the pool which was really rough concrete.  It tore the skin off of my right knee, and let me tell you, it HURT like the dickens!  I got out of the pool right away as I was bleeding and I figured all the other people didn’t want me in the pool that way!  OMG!  By the time I got out and to Amy, blood was dripping down my leg.  I had no choice but to head to first aid.  How embarrassing was that?

When I got there the nurse was fixing up a little girl probably about the age of 12 with the same injury I had.  She must have been swept in by the same wave I was!  She wasn’t as brave as I was and tears were streaming down her cheeks as the nurse was treating her.  Her dad looked at the blood coming down my leg and said to me,  “I’ll tell you the same thing I told my daughter, you just DIDN’T get out there far enough!”  I supposed he was right.  The little girl got a sucker from the nurse and off she went bandaged.  Then it was my turn. I felt a bit silly actually as I kept telling her I’d never of come to first aid but I figured Disney didn’t want me in the water park with blood. She laughed and treated me with the same stuff she had the little girl. *ouch*  I came out with a butterfly bandage.  When I think about it, I didn’t get a sucker!  Oh well.  I knew my swimming in the tidal wave moment was over.  I couldn’t imagine what my knee would feel like if it happened again. I decided to go to the lazy river and float.  The paradise of the mile-long river in a tube with all the beauty of exotic trees and waterfalls seemed like a better option.

After we were through at Typhoon Lagoon we quickly changed in the 100 degree, 100% humidity and moved on over to the Magic Kingdom for a final run of magical times.  Skylar now old and tall enough to ride Splash Mountain was determined to get on that ride one more time!  Amy and Chad took her that direction while Dell and I took Breezy on to Fantasy Land to ride “Winnie The Pooh,” “It’s a Small World” and “Peter Pan’s Flight.”  Breezy now two is so amazed at all the wonder these rides have to offer. (The girls at the Magic Kingdom)

My very favorite Disney character is Tigger......and I got a hug and a photo opt with him!

And then it was back to the condo to get ready for the long trip home. *sighs*

I was happy tho as Joel and Emma were going to be in Chattanooga with the kids.  We would meet on Saturday night and have dinner with them on our way home. It gave me something to look forward to. I had gotten Drew and little Abigail gifts at Disneyworld.  Abigail and Elizabeth each got their “Mickey Mouse Ears” with their names on the back.  Amy started this tradition when Skylar was born so now it is a MUST that all newborns get their ears as soon as one of us are there.  Here’s a photo of Abigail, 4-months old with her ears.

 

 

 

We ended up spending the night in Chattanooga.  Joel and Emma came back to the room for a few minutes, but we were all exhausted. (Some photos of the cousins having fun)

 

On the trip home I realized how weird it was going to be going home.  I love my new house, I honestly do, but only being here for a mere 5 weeks, it just isn’t quite home………..yet.  It was weird not driving to my home town.  It was even more sad because Nickie (20-year old cat) would no longer be home to greet me. I know Pete was missing him too as I noticed he ran around the house looking for something. I’m SURE he was looking for Nick, scared of him as he was.

But life goes on and it was back to work this morning.  I honestly had promised myself I was going to call in sick today…………but as is true to nature for me I just couldn’t do it. If I’m not sick I go to work. It’s just the way it’s always been in my life.  Character is what we do when no one is looking………except God.  I think I learned at an early age that to pretend to be sick when I’m not only leads to one thing……………actually getting sick in the near future when I really do need a sick day.  Character is something I guess I learned really early in life, or perhaps I’m learning that I want to do the right thing as much as I can while on the journey.  Perhaps I could get away with it, but would it be the right thing to do as a witness and Ambassador of God’s kingdom?  So I went to work.

I think it was a good thing.  My boss lost her mom while I was in Florida and she’s not doing too good. She won’t be in the rest of the week, but actually is sick. I think she has what I had in Florida with the sore throat, etc.  We talked this morning as she emotionally poured out all she was feeling.  She still continues to believe God sent me to her and I think I have to agree as looking back I still can’t believe I left my job of 20-years to work part-time at such a cut in pay.  But I felt led to, as if it was the next step on the journey.  Now I guess I know why.  She’s lived a twin soul story in her life, and let me tell you, just watching her story I have learned SO much of my own twin soul story!  Wow.  She thinks I was sent to her, but perhaps it was the next step for me to learn so much along the way.  But times change and life goes on and the journey never seems to leave us where we are for too long…..and my time has come to leave her now.  So as I calmed her spirit down with words of love and life for her grieving process I tried to tell her that my time to leave had come and that the 22^nd of the month would be my last day.  “OH NO SUNSHINE!  You can’t do this to me now!  Not with all that is going on in my life.  Please no, don’t go now!”  We do have a new guy coming in from Houston next week to take Felicia’s place who took a huge promotion at the university.  My boss won’t be around to work with the new guy and she needs me to be there for him.  I told her I’d stick around a few more weeks, but the drive was getting to me and I needed to really figure out my next steps.  What else could I do tho?

The day seemed to fly at least and before I knew it I was back home the 83 miles and feeling so inspirational. I actually got the dogs and went out and walked in my new neighborhood for the very first time.  It’s only one street with a cul-de-sac at the end, houses lining the walk. For a moment I actually missed my acres and acres of woods I use to do meditation hikes in, but it was sure easier to walk on pavement vs. grass and hills.  Do I sound homesick?  Perhaps just a little.

And that leads to tonight. I decided to update the journal just a tad, and allow the creative feeling I have tonight to flow.  I had lunch with Felicia today. We talked about how lost and displaced I feel at the moment as I am so unsure where I will find a job and what is next.  She interrupted me and said, “I think it’s time you finish your book.”  Was it the way she said it?  It was almost like some sort of reprimand to stay focused on where it is I need to go.  Sometimes that happens tho……….messages come from the strangest places when we least expect them.

And with that I think I will head to the hot tub.  Yes, I am tired beyond belief, but feeling as I do tonight I think I shall enjoy my quiet moments with God before falling into bed.  So much going on in this head of mine, but I don’t think that is so unusual.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

~Sunshine

GNTS:  I so wish I could share with you all that I have learned along the way. I think I’ve tried in so many ways by these little notes to you at night, but then some of the things I’ve learned I feel as if I need to keep buried in my heart too. And then of course there is that constant “mystery” that surrounds you. The unanswered questions I always wonder if I will ever know the answers to.  But these days I keep the mystery alive in my heart and actually have come to cherish it because it is that which causes me to grow more and more along the way.  You once told me I had a great life goin’ on of which I thought you were nuts at the time…………..but all these years later I have learned that yeah, I do have a lot of great things in my life that I took for granted for so long……………but I don’t anymore as I find a heart of gratitude in the smallest of things truly does matter in the end.  I hope you are filled with gratitude for the things you are blessed with too.  And tho you are there and I am here, I am so very grateful that somehow, somewhere, we do share something so very special.  Goodnight you,  just me.

 Rather than a song tonight...............I will share a moment I had in Florida of finding someplace I knew so well.............

 

It’s so quiet at the moment.  I couldn’t figure out why then Dell reminded me for over a week we have had people around constantly.  He’s right.  Not that I minded at all, I mean it was Skylar and Bree, and Amy and Chad.  Not to mention the constant barrage of people we were around, morning, noon and night as we went from one amusement park to another.  But I’m getting way ahead of myself after a week of not writing due to lack of internet connection, and the struggles of trying to type messages out on my phone only to lose them.  So I will slowly try to catch my life and heart up.

To begin with I think this is the first time I’ve felt “sort of” homesick.  After being in Florida for a week, coming home just doesn’t seem the same. But then why would it? I mean I am in a new house I hardly know.  I love the house I do, but tonight as I sit to write, I realize how “displaced” I feel. *sighs*  I know what is missing the most I guess….. Nick.  My 19-year-old-cat who would have been 20 November 13.  He died while I was gone.  So I think that is the absence I am feeling.

I know, I know, he was “just” a cat, but to have an animal be a part of your life THAT long I am finding is really leaving a void.  He died on Wednesday.  Jason had been in to check on him every other day since I left on Friday, which seemed like good timing to me.  When Jason came in that Wednesday evening I had called him to see if “Nick” was okay. Looking back I think I must have had one of those “feelings.”  When I called Jason was on his way.  “Please Jason, call me back and let me know if he’s okay.”  I am SURE I knew in my spirit he wasn’t.  A few minutes later Susie called,  “Jason said Nick isn’t breathing right. He’s going to bring him here and have me look at him and then we’re going to take him to emergency care.”  She said.  “No Susie, don’t take him, there’s nothing they can do. They’ll just put him down.”  She wanted to at least see if he had a hair ball or something.  I was sick to my stomach.  I wanted it to all be okay because I felt guilty leaving him!  When I left him on Friday I kissed his fragile head, told him I loved him and tried to do with motions that said so……..after all he was now deaf and his eye sight was failing as fast as he was losing weight.  Poor old decrepit guy!  I think I intuitively knew it was the last time I’d see him, but I wanted to convince myself that wasn’t true.  He had to be okay until I got home! He HAD to be!

Jason called back a few minutes later. I knew he was putting him into the cat carrier and to Susie to see if she could help. I know how helpless he felt.  I heard Dell’s phone ring.  I figured it was Jason updating Dell.  I finished my conversation with Chad and Amy and ran into the bedroom of our condo where Dell had just hung up.  “He’s gone Sunshine……He died in Jason’s arms as he was trying to put him in the carrier.”  I sat down and began to sob.  “Noooo…………………..I wasn’t there for him!” I said through tears.  By now Amy had run in as had Skylar.  Amy got Skylar out of the room while I buried my hands in my face and sobbed.  So much death it seems I’ve faced the past however many years it’s been since my mom died.  One more.  My aged cat who slept with me, and followed me around in his prime years.  20 years!  Amy tried to assure me this was some great designed plan.  “Mom, I think he chose to go when you weren’t home so you wouldn’t have to see him!”  Why did that make me feel a bit better?  “But I SHOULD have been there for him!”  I think that was what was bothering me most!  “Did he suffer?” I asked Dell.  “No honey, he didn’t.”  He tried to assure me.  Jason said when he came in he was lying in the middle of the floor sort of meowing…………but he didn’t think he had been there for long.  He said he picked him up and when he did he just went limp.”  Now I am really crying.  Dell called Jason back and gave him instructions on how to bury him.  At least he made the move and would be buried in our new back yard.  “Dell, can’t we please freeze him until I get home.”  “WHAT?!!!” Amy said to me!  “Mom! You can’t freeze that cat!”  I just wanted to see him one more time, and do the burial myself.  Everyone vetoed me on that idea.  My memories would have to be of the Friday I said goodbye to him and told him I loved him.  Do we really ever know when it will be the last time?  With Dell’s instructions Jason did the burial.  When I talked to Jason later, knowing Jason had faced the worst of it all, he told me he had placed 3 bricks on the grave at the edge of the forest in our backyard so I’d know where he was and could visit his grave.  I cried some more…………but knew that this is one of the hardest parts of life we all face.  The death of someone/something we love.  And with that, I proceeded to take everyone to a seafood buffet dinner to thank Chad and Amy for all the help and endless 80-mile trips to our old house to help us move.  I wasn’t that hungry………………..but I was also filled with a resolve not to ruin it for everyone else.

I supposed Skylar made the most sense to me because on the way to dinner as she was riding with Dell and I, I explained to her how Nick was gone and had gone to heaven.  “He’s going to be with Jesus?”  She asked.  “Yes, honey, he is.”  Then she said,  “Meemaw, where does Jesus live?”  I told her in heaven.  “No Meemaw! He lives in my heart and if Nick is with Jesus then he now lives in my heart too.”  No more words need to be said!  I think she explained something to me I never really understood.

Other than my sadness for losing my cat the rest of the Florida trip was challenging,  nice, special, and anything BUT relaxing!  The biggest thing was the heat wave they were having while we were there!  Everyday held temperatures in the mid to upper 90s with humidity levels to match!  The first day there we did the magic kingdom.  It was so hot it was almost hard to enjoy, but because of Skylar and Bree…………we did.  On Monday we headed for the beach. We chose Daytona Beach as further north was having some thunderstorms.  It was so hot tho you HAD to be in the water, and with the girls, that meant me sitting on the surf’s edge while Skylar and Bree ran around me.  It wasn’t the most relaxing time I’ve had on a beach, BUT, all the same it was the beach, hot as it was.  The highlight of the afternoon was when a school of dolphin swam real close to us and we could see them jump.  Dolphin, one of my favorite creatures in the world!  What a thrill!! That night we headed to St. Augustine which was a disappointment for me. I love this ancient city but we discovered that October is “out-of-season” and all the little shops were for the most part closed.  Even the ghost-walks were closed from what we could see. Few people were around. It was almost eerie…………and I wondered if the economy had hit this place full force.

On  Tuesday we did “Disney’s Blizzard Beach,”  a water park that specializes in the most incredible waterslides and a wave pool.  I opted out of the waterslides!  Chad did one that is built atop a HUGE what appears to be a mountain with look-alike snow caps.  You have to take a ski-slope up to do the slide.  It times you as you come down.  Chad was going 57-miles per hour when he hit the pool at the end.  Nope!  Not for me!  My favorite thing was the lazy-river. Over one mile of floating on a tub under waterfalls, and amongst the most incredible greenery possible.  I’d lay back and look at the bluest of skies with white puffy clouds and palm trees lacing the view.  The water of which I floated in was so peaceful and clear I truly felt as if I had really found paradise.  I LOVED this experience!

On Wednesday we did “Disney Studios.”  My favorite thing was doing the “American Idol Experience.”  They have 7 shows throughout the day and the grand finale show at 7:00pm that night. I went to the first show, cast my vote for the 16-year old kid that won our show.  The rest of the day there were other winners too.  I was determined to make the grand finale show that night and we were 2^nd in line.  Got first row seats and enjoyed the show beyond belief!  Once again I voted for the 16-year old boy!  He was OUTSTANDING!  He won the whole thing!  This means he can go to ANY audition for American Idol across the country and bypass ALL the lines. He goes directly before Simon, Randy, and Paula (even tho I know she is no longer there.)  Let me tell you!  This kid is from Boston and I will guarantee you that he will probably be big stuff!  My 2^nd favorite thing at this theme park is the “Little Mermaid Voyage.”  It’s a show that combines real life characters and animation, along with things like rain as you sit and watch the show. It’s an incredible experience.

On Thursday Dell and I parted from the kids as they headed to Universal Studios. By this point I had enough amusement parks and knew I had one more day of them on Friday.  I really wanted to go back in time so we headed to Bradenton, and Ana Marie island.  My parents owned a house in Bradenton about 10 minutes from Ana Marie Island.  This is where I spent all of my holidays as a child and where I believed Santa came in over the Gulf.  The first thing on my list of things to do was go see the house.  I was devastated tho.  I’m not sure but the house almost looks desolate and is in possible foreclosure.  My heart sank!  Such memories of this place as I stared at the carport and remembered the years my mom and dad gave me a pair of roller skates for Christmas and I skated all over this carport. Boy did I think I was hot stuff with my red pom pons!  There was a lady standing next door smoking a cigarette so I got out of the car to see if she knew what was happing with this house.  She had been around for 2 years and never seen a soul.  She sort of thought it was deserted!  She told me I should check on it with a realtor.  I took pictures and was determined to find out.  I actually have hopes of buying this house back and if it was in foreclosure I COULD do it!  Oh was I excited!  It turns out this lady was the cleaning lady for the house next door.  Darn! I thought she was the owner and would know.  I got all the photos I could and drove away.  Memories…………….but can you ever really go back?  For some reason I didn’t think so as we left the neighborhood I so dearly love.

I then tried to find the trailer my great-grandmother lived in which was in a senior trailer park across the street.  I never could find it which made me really sad.  I can SO see it in my memory, but why couldn’t I find it when there?  Is it still there or has it been replaced by something newer and better?

I decided to head to the beach.  The beach I spent SO much time growing up on. The beach I grew to love the beach so much at!  The Gulf Of Mexico!  We went to the first beach that was crowded beyond belief!  Even in the off season!  But remember, this was the day that reached 102.  We got settled in when Dell complained he didn’t like it here. I knew of a different beach so we took off for that one.  He liked that better.  We swam for a long time………..and he took off to hunt seashells for the kids. I put my beach chair I drug from home IN the water and sat for 2.5 hours.  Memories of childhood rushing through my thoughts as I wondered what life was all about in the end and where it is I am headed.  So many thoughts and dreams I continue to have.

And with that I will break. So many more thoughts from the week, and my adventure the next day at “Typhoon Lagoon” where they have a pool that has a tidal wave of 15-20 foot that is released every 4-5 minutes!  Oh yeah!  Me, who LOVES waves was in heaven, but I ended up in first aid!  But more on that tomorrow night.

I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow which means getting up at 5:00am, driving 83 miles to work for the day then back home the 83 miles.  I SO don’t want to do this, and the truth is I have been sick ALL week while in Florida! I survived on Advil, Mucinex, and an attitude that sickness wasn’t going to stop me!  It was easy there because it was so hot, but here…………at home where the temps are now below freezing and it’s been rainy and icky, I just hope I can survive as well as I did in the heat and the salt air atmosphere.  I just hate the drive.  What else can I say.

I will now head to the hot tub where I will try to regain some meditative time that I’ve so lost the past week while on the go so much, and be still and just listen to my heart.  I am one that SO needs “me” time, and even tho at the beach a few days, and around water most of the time, well, there still wasn’t a lot of “me” time, so the hot tub will help me find “me” again…..

More on my week and hopefully some photos tomorrow night.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

GNTS:  Tonight’s song is one I heard over and over last week and for just a moment thought about the past almost 9 years. " I want to be part of your world" or something like that.  But perhaps it’s better dreaming it than being it.  Something awakened me to this possibility Valerie Bertenilli said about her ex-husband, Eddie Van Halen.  Funny how you can learn lessons in the strangest places.  Still, it is what it is………….and it is.  So this song is for you.  Goodnight my far-away stranger that I know somehow so well in my heart, even in the distance and time span that just goes on forever.....

  

Good morning........

I am writing on my Blackjack phone from the Sunshine State. We arrived here Saturday night. We did the Disney Magic Kingdom thing yesterday with the girls and Amy and Chad. As always a magical time.........cept I woke up wih a horrible sore throat on the trip down and now am so full of congestion and a sluggish feeling I am struggling to enjoy the trip! And as it seems in my life for so long, there isn't time to slow down or stop as I am certain my body needs.

As a matter of fact I am all but convinced I'm probably sick at the moment because I am physically worn out. *sighs* We have Disney tickets for the whole week, but I told 4ell this morning I'm not up to another 12 hours of magical fun walking through another park. Therefore I am heading out for a beach somewhere. As I always say....."Throw me on the beach and I can heal from anything!" I know this to be true. So today will hold a day of paradise for me where my spirit will become tranqil and perhaps my physical body will FINALLY slow down as I listen to the waves and seagulls sing.

Unfortunately the wifi in our condo doesn't work so I am forced to writing on my phone which for me is oh so slow.......so I think I will try to just do little thoughts along the way..........

As the faith, love and light lead me on.

Sunshine.......

Have a beautiful day TS..........For now I will just say it is there.........day and night it remains. But I do honor where your life is and the place your heart was given,,,,,,,,,,so why can't I convince my heart to really let go? Is it really that strong of a connection?

Tonight finds me writing from my deck. My new deck. It’s the first time I’ve sat outside and written as I am tonight. My table is set up overlooking the pagoda where huge wisteria have grown over the top to make it look almost as if it is covered.  The fountain I moved with me is flowing with the most restful sounds of water as my satellite radio playing my favorite meditative music can be heard lightly in the background of water falling. Basically it’s a moment of peace for me. A moment that I am finding to be more rare these days.  Soon I will take pictures of my new patio and the pagoda to share what it is I overlook these days.  Funny, I still have the sounds of summer all around me. Perhaps I don’t have the toads I did at the old place, and yet, I still get that sort of sound.  Because the interstate doesn’t run through my front yard anymore as it did before, I believe it’s more quiet here.

The past few days have once again been so busy and covered up I found myself too tired to even think about writing. I keep telling myself this is all going to slow down before I know it!  I will finally be all moved in, everything unpacked and in its rightful place,  I will have quit my job at the university and won’t be doing all this maddening driving, and well, before I know perhaps life will resume back to normal.  Whatever that may mean?  Or so I hope!

I’m still contemplating going back to school next on the journey. I probably should work, but it seems I continue to search for something I’m just not quite finding.  At one time I would have felt so restless with this feeling of uncertainty, but restless these days seems to have been replaced by some sort of calmness and a spirit of peace.  Since I actually jumped off the cliff by selling family property and moving to the unknowns, it seems I found peace. Is that from moving forward………finally?  Yeah, maybe.  So whatever it is I am searching for at the moment I think I’m enjoying the journey!  It’s all like some sort of looking for sign posts along the way and KNOWING that something is up ahead I just can’t see, yet.  The journey of faith.

I guess I haven’t really talked much about that journey of faith lately, which is actually related in some sort of unexplained way to the soul mate journey I’m on and have been since 2001.  Since I met this man so long ago I continue to weigh out exactly what it all meant?  Or perhaps I weigh out where he was coming from, still finding his actions so unexplainable.  I can weigh it this way (puts hands up as to weigh something) where he said so many things to me and a friend of mine that basically states he felt it as I did, and yet, his actions never really quit were that of his words or gestures, so I weigh it that way………………….and I come up with the same things I have come up with for almost 9 years now………………..mystery!  What does it all mean from his viewpoint and his heart?  And I laugh………….”Sunshine, mystery is good!”  He once said to me as if he understood so many things I didn’t.  Perhaps he did.  Perhaps in his 10 years ahead of me on his journey he just seemingly seemed to know what I didn’t.  Now that I am almost at the age he was when we met, perhaps I understand a bit more than I did back then simply because I have so much more experience on the journey?  But back to the journey!  Sometimes I get SO mad at him!  That’s honest, I do.  He could have at least let me know along the way, or at least tried to have more of an open friendship where we spoke on the phone now and then……..rather than leaving the door cracked.   I say cracked because he ALWAYS, ALWAYS found a way to make sure that door wasn’t closed. He always wanted me to know that he was still thinking of me, even if it was 3 years later from the last time, he always wanted me to know.  Perhaps he never really wanted the door closed either.  Surely he feels this connection I do. I mean who am I that after all this time he’d remember me too?  And I ramble! As I always do when I think of him or speak of him.  I wonder if it will ever go away, but I think after all this time I finally realize, it won’t.  So the next best thing is how to make it enhance your life and I think I’ve found the way to do that.  I cherish it for what it is.  And it remains.

Dell and I went to a wedding reception Friday night.  A guy that works with him got married in Florida a week ago. His family had this reception for him. We ended up sitting with another guy Dell knows and works with on occasion. His fiancé was with him.  They were quite a bit younger than Dell and I but these days I find I don’t feel so much of an age gap with anyone. Whether they be younger or older, it doesn’t seem to matter. I just learn so much from everyone these days because I think I’ve finally learned to be still and just listen.  Amazing what you can learn.  Anyway, back to this young couple.  Something came up on how long Dell and I were married.  When we said 33 years I think they were taken aback.  “Do you plan to renew your vows?”  He asked us.  Without thinking I immediately said, “NO WAY!”  Now that was bad!  All 3 of them looked at me as if I had said the “F” word or something.  “No, why would I?”  I tried to cover it real quickly. I felt bad for Dell because I think it sort of hurt his feelings.  “Dell’s a great guy…” I continued on,  “But for me, I think being married this long isn’t about romance or any of that. It’s living with my best friend.”  I guess it sufficed everyone as the young kid said, “Yeah, my grandpa said the same thing when I once asked him if he’d renew his vows to my grandma.”  I went on about how marriage changes through the years, but to myself I felt it so sad.  My thoughts were something like, “Yeah, I got married under a swingset in his mom’s back yard with streamers hanging down……I really didn’t think about it being vows, just some game we were playing……..”  I also knew that if I had to do it again I never would so how could I renew something I never did?  I realized at that point that I still have a long way to go on this healing thing, although these days I do respect Dell more than I ever have and know life without him wouldn’t be good.  He is good to me and the bestest friend anyone could ask for.  I guess I do miss the romance thing, but perhaps that’s where my writing skills will come in handy? I can write of romance and make up the most glorious stories in my head.  Perhaps I should become a romance novelist?  LOL.

The reception turned out to be nice and I was glad to get a break from unpacking and decorating and thinking of all I have to do yet.

Then on Saturday Dell and Jason went to a tractor show that Dell has been dreaming of going to for a year.  It was about 1.5 hours from our new home, whereas where we used to live it would have been almost 3 hours.  It was nice Dell had Jason to go…….the father son thing was even better for Dell.  Susie and I on the other hand decided to find some country/craft stores in that area.  As I said to Susie,  “I really don’t want to go to a tractor show, I think I’d rather have dental work done.”  She laughed at me and agreed.  She is starting to really get into this primitive/country/rustic decorating like I am.  It’s wonderful because she is beginning to love to go to the stores and look at my Country Sampler magazines.  We really had a great time! We got SO lucky!  Chad’s sister-in-law is from the area and told me of this teeny-tiny town in the middle of the hills that is nothing but primitive store after primitive store.  OMG!!!  She was SO right! It was so quaint and almost a step-back-in-time.  Susie, Elizabeth and I had a ball! (Elizabeth, grandbaby #4).  We shopped and walked until I about dropped.  Before either of us knew it we have passed 3.5 hours and we needed to head to pick the guys up.  This town was so desolate my cell phone didn’t work.  It was SO great and I found some neat things for the house.

Tomorrow is back to work. That means I will wake up at 5:00, try to be on the road at 5:45am.  I’ll work all day and head home. The good news is I think Jane is coming home with me. We’ll do some stuff in the city on Tuesday, she’ll stay again Tuesday night and ride home with me Wednesday morning. Then I’ll stay with her Wednesday night, work the ½ day Thursday, come home AND………………….get all ready to go to Florida!  You know, I am SO ready to get away for a week, spend some time at Disney, lay out on the beach, listen to the waves, mediate, touch God, touch my own heart, be still and listen, and seek what is next on this journey.  This journey of faith.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

~Sunshine

GNTS:  I confessed a lot in the above statement of this journey of faith, which somehow is about you in so many ways………but it’s all true.  It’s been up and it’s been down, but in the end it remains.  I’m so glad you once told my friend I was “SO SPECIAL.”  It was then I knew  it remained for you, crazy as it all may seem, how special it was that we did find one another along the way……..even if you are living your life, and I am living mine, that special connection we share remains….and life is beautiful knowing that I found that special someone along the way…………………….Goodnight ~just me.

*Please excuse any typos tonight…………it’s late and I really need a moment of hot tub time before bed.

 

I’ve been so bad about writing lately. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, because my heart longs to be here every night, it’s just that I continue to find myself coming and going.  I have been so bad about my spiritual times with God too as of late, and it’s not that I don’t long to have those times back either, it’s just that I am coming and going all the time! *broken record*  It needs to slow down! I promised myself in my new house it would, but thus far, I am breaking my promise.  Surely as I finish “unpacking,” decorating, and making it “home” I will find the time to do what my heart longs for.

It’s really hard too working at the university still.  A 3 hour drive on Monday, and working 8 hours really wipes me out!  I come home and all I want to do is be still.  But my kids continue to be so happy I am here they usually come around.  On Tuesdays when I don’t work I try to get everything done that needs done. This past Tuesday I finally got my dining room organized,  that was while the security system technician installed the new security alarm.  They tell me the new county of which I live has virtually no crime, so I’m probably one of the few that installs a security alarm, but since I was broken into a few years ago, I will always have a security alarm from now on out.  So as he installed, I organized the dining room. Now all I have left for the most part is the upstairs. 

On Wednesdays I try to leave super, super early, like by 5:45am.  That puts me at work by 7:15am……work all day, stay at Jane’s overnight, then up and back to work on Thursdays for half a day.  If I have business in my hometown, I do it on Thursday afternoons after lunch with Jane.  Then home. Friday, it’s trying to get done all I didn’t get done during the week.  And of course, catch up on rest time from all I did during the week. *sighs*

Work has been particularly crazy this week. My boss knowing I am leaving I think is pushing even harder to get everything done.  I find myself tired and perhaps a bit grumpy from the 1.5 hour drive just to get to work.  A job I can’t say I’m really crazy about, but feel as if I am there for a greater purpose. If you asked my boss, she’d tell you that was for sure.  Now tho, she says we’ll always be friends, so she’s okay with me quitting.  I just need to give that final date.  Why does this scare me?  The loss of benefits perhaps? The uncertainty of where I am going next? It sure has me pondering!

Last night after Jane and I hit one of our favorite craft/country stores and went to dinner, Jane asked me if I’d help her with her homework for a Bible Study class she is taking. I’m excited that she is doing this!  We spent a couple hours going through her questions and me explaining so many things to her to try to really help her grasp the concept of what the word of God is really teaching.  The Bible is SO alive to me that if you get me going, you will find I never shut up and I go on and on about stories that fascinate me SO much!  Poor Jane!  Here she thought she was intruding on me to help her, but little did she know how MUCH it helped me!  Because I have had so little spiritual times lately, it put a fire in my heart.  She assured me when we were finished that this was why she wanted me to help because she knew she’d understand it if I helped her.  But the thing was I learned as much too!!  It really was a very awesome time with God at the center.

It really got me thinking!  My faith in God is so great that even tho I have some trepidation about leaving the university, when I look up I realize that God has something else planned!  As I was driving to work this morning, still fired up from all I had shared with Jane last night, it dawned on me I REALLY, REALLY would like to go back to school……..Bible school.  Really!!  There is one about 30 minutes from my house now!  Or perhaps head to the city university and take some psychology classes?  Perhaps both places?  I know that there are a lot of grants out there for older students, perhaps I could find some funds to not only send me back to school but to pay me for doing it. They tell me they’re out there.  Would this be feasible?  And what would I do with a theology degree?  I can’t see pasturing a church!  Nope, I think I’m too out of the box for that! But I would love to do spiritual counseling?  There’s something I’m just not seeing, but perhaps what that something is………is………………I’m supposed to be writing.  Perhaps these classes I envision taking would enhance the writing?  And I ramble………….

I’m looking…………always looking to get to where it is I am supposed to be going; tho I have a feeling I am already where it is I am meant to be on the way to there. That really does make sense, honest.

My drive home today was very long. It was rainy and dreary and the interstate was cram-packed.  I slowed down a bit, listened to some talk radio, some Christian music, and then some “classic hits” radio station where “Stairway To Heaven” was on.  Quite a variety for a 1.5 hour drive. I was just glad to be going home.  Before I left town after lunch with Jane, then a trip to another one of our favorite craft/country stores, where I spent WAY too much money, I remembered what I had forgotten to do when I was in town.  I had to go buy my 19-year old cat food.  I have to buy the expensive prescription food you can only get from a vet’s office.  From the country store it would mean I would have to drive right by my old family property.  I felt sick to my stomach, but decided I had to do it.  Know what?  I drove by not feeling one bit sentimental as I passed the long lane back to the houses I once owned.  I honestly had no pangs of sadness or regret. I realized how much I love my new house, as well as living where I do now. It was almost as if it was a gentle way of realizing how much I have now moved on.  It felt so good to be free!  That was coupled with the dream I had the other night of my mom, where she appeared in the dream and was mad at me because I had moved on without her.  I kept explaining to her she was more than welcome to come with me, but I couldn’t stay.  I don’t remember how the dream ended, but I think, I moved on. Perhaps it was my way of truly being free……….finally.

I finally arrived home after the long drive, hung some of my new things I bought on my shopping trips with Jane, felt so at home in my new place, and realized what a very gentle, peaceful spirit I have right now, of which I keep telling God thank you!  So much, thank you!!  And my doorbell rang………..

It was the first of two contractors I have contacted to get bids on adding on a master bedroom suite.  Oh my gosh!  Was he gorgeous or what?!  Eyes that saw right through you, and a smile to die for!  I got his name from Amy, who works with his mom.  He and a partner came in as I began to tell them what I was envisioning, and what I hoped would be my budget.  Well, obviously I had to lose some of my envisioning, or spend WAY more money than I want to on this project!  But you know, he was SO cute, I was disappointed in a good way! *laughs*  Actually he and his partner are going to go back and draw up some plans with a final estimated cost.  He’ll get back with me when I get back from Florida.  The next guy who will bid will be here Tuesday evening.  LOL, Jane will be here for that consultation, and Jane has experience!  Too bad she missed tonight’s meeting!  I REALLY, REALLY liked these guys, and NOT just because they were candy for the eyes!  They really had ideas and seemed to listen to what it was I wanted.

Speaking of Florida!  Yes, crazy as this sounds, and with life as crazy as it is at the moment, I am going to Florida.  I will leave a week from tomorrow for a week. This is the trip we have had planned with Chad and Amy and the girls for almost the whole year!  We have 4 days of Disney tickets to use, I need the beach, and well, I probably need to get away too.  If only for a week, I think the break will do me good.

And with heavy eyes, I think I will close, drag myself up the stairs and fall into  bed. Having not been home for a couple days I am reminded how wonderful it is to sleep in my own bed.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

GNTS:  I seldom dream of you anymore, but if I do, man, they are so clear and meaningful to me! I had a dream of you last night.  You are always so close and you seem to appear to remind me of so many things.  When you are near, I always feel as I always did when you were near me in real time.  Even tho I really don’t know that much about you, why do I feel as if I know so much?  Have I created some sort of illusion or is this something that can’t be explained?  I only know that no matter how hard I try to “let go” or “not let go” it really doesn’t matter because in the end, it continues to be.  Could words really explain what I feel so deep, deep on the inside of something I don’t understand?  Probably not, but when the dreams come, in the dream, I seem to completely understand it. It’s warm, it’s peaceful, it’s the most real thing I’ve ever known………and then, I wake up, only to feel it from within, tho from without it seems so unbelievable.  And that is what I would say to you tonight……….. if only………………………….Goodnight ~just me.